QUESTION: How can I be submissive to my husband if he' s unqualified to lead me?
BVKS: Well, why does sastra say that women should be submissive? Anyone can say my husband's unqualified and on that basis not be submissive. It's an easy way to kind of get around. If there's any serious problem then you should . . . like I'm saying, young grhasthas need guidance from older grhasthas. But that basic principle should be there. Now, if your husband's having spiritual difficulties or whatever . . . In many cases the wife is stronger; then she should, instead of thinking, "Oh, my husband's unqualified, let me kick him out or kick him in the face," or whatever, then she should by sweetness try to bring him around to the proper standard--not by fighting with him. If he has a problem, you have to try to help him; but then you should see how you can help him. If you dictate to him, he won't accept it. You have to, like Prabhupada was saying: The man has that psychology, he wants to feel superior. So by service, submission, then he feels very pleased, and then he can take your advice if given in a sweet way. Or even if you don't say, he may feel so ashamed that he'll behave properly. Or otherwise you just may have to tolerate.
Prabhupada's father was a pure devotee, and his daughter, Prabhupada's sister, who was initiated by Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura--Prabhupada's father married her to a meat-eater. So she wasn't able to change him. But she served him, and went on with her Krsna consciousness on the side. But if you just say, "Well, my husband's unqualified, this, that," then you just get divorce, which is worse than having no husband. If you have a husband, then he's supposed to bring some income and provide for the family and all these things. And if you don't have that, then you're just out on the street.
I know that by saying this it may not be very popular, but whatever I am saying, this is what I heard from Prabhupada--what Prabhupada is saying and what I've practically observed. The training is different in the modern age. There's the idea of social equality on all levels. But Prabhupada was very strong on this point: that although men and women are both spiritual souls and have equal opportunity for spiritual advancement, socially they have different roles. Prabhupada said that if you want to be equal, then why don't you arrange it that one time the wife has the baby and next time the husband has the baby. But it's not possible. By nature's arrangement, the woman has to be dependent on the husband, because she has to hold the baby, she has to feed the baby. So she requires a husband; she has to be dependent on him.
And in the modern age they have this idea: They stick the kids in some kindergarten, and the wife goes off to work. And then they provide for them in that way. But then the children don't get looked after properly. The children need attention from their mothers, especially young children. They need to have food cooked by their mothers, not just some taken out of the freezer and put in the microwave. They need constant attention. And women also, by their nature, they are inclined to bring up children. You see young girls, they play with dolls, isn't it? Because that propensity is there from the beginning. So what is prescribed in the Vedic culture, it's not something artificial. They say it's simply made for artificial dominance of brahmana cast over lower cast, and artificial dominance of men over women. But it's the system given by Krsna for the benefit of everybody. That's why we see that women in Vedic culture, they can be learned, they can do so many things, but their principal role is as wife and mother. I always recommend to devotees that before they get married, they spend a little time in India--not just hang out in a snack bar in Vrindavan, but live with the people, see how they live. It's a good education.
QUESTION: How to learn to see the husband as an authority when all these years we were equal?
BVKS: So, once Prabhupada was describing some things about the traditional roles of women and all these things. (A woman disciple) said: "Prabhupada, I wasn't brought up like that; I was brought up in a different culture."
So Prabhupada didn't force her, but he said: "Still, if there's something good in this culture, then why not try to adopt it?"
So Prabhupada never tried to force this on people, because he knew it's never going to happen by force. But at the same time, he described these principles and he wanted his devotees to move towards this for their own benefit. We have a lot of problems in our society with divorce and remarriage and all these things. So there are scientific principles by which man and wife can live together, of which the underlying principle is that the wife should take a submissive role in relation to the husband.
HH Bhaktivikasa Swami ki jaya!
