Updated 2/15/2015
(Part IV of "Guarding the Fort")
A good husband protects his wife like treasure. How? Here are some important ways:
PROTECTION BY DIRECTION
A good leader has to have a plan. The main plan should be how to become Krishna conscious in this lifetime and help our dependents also as far as possible. “So it is the duty of the king, it is the duty of the government, it is the duty of the father, it is the duty of the guru, it is the duty of the husband to see that his subordinate is being trained up in Krishna consciousness in this life, so that there will be no more death.”--SB 1.16.10 lecture
Of course, it's difficult to lead when still in training. Many of us have had no proper role models in the matter of managing family life. That will remain so until more devotees take family life serious enough to stick with it and thus gain experiences they can pass down to others. Yet, it's a leader's duty to see that everyone in his unit are on the same page, working for the same goal. While the wife's input is invaluable and should always be highly respected, it must be clear to everyone in the family unit- or for any successful corporation for that matter- that someone needs to make the final decisions after all due consultation, and according to Vedic injunctions, the ultimate decisions for the family as a whole is generally the prerogative of the husband.
Otherwise, the family is like a ship without a captain, just sailing around, tossed by the waves without any particular goals or destination in mind. This is very frustrating in the long run for everyone involved, as well as dangerous. It is often suggested, therefore, to have regular family meetings to figure out just what you want to accomplish as a family together both spiritually and materially, short term and long term. These goals may be clarified as time goes by, but the main thing is to have them.
DIRECTION BY EXAMPLE
A wife can have little faith in her husband if he tells her to be Krishna conscious and so on, but he himself does not chant his rounds, read diligently, render service to his spiritual master, attend the temple programs or lead the family worship. There's no power of conviction in such direction...nor will it receive respect. Therefore: "The pure devotees of the Lord, like Brahmä and persons in the chain of disciplic succession, do not do anything to instruct their subordinates without acting accordingly themselves." SB 2.9.40 purport
PROTECTION BY PROVISION
"It is therefore a man's duty to keep a woman under his control by satisfying her, giving her ornaments, nice food and clothes, and engaging her in religious activities. Of course, a woman should have a few children and in this way not be disturbing to the man."- SB 4.27.1p
PROTECTING BY RESPECTING
Above all, a woman is protected when she feels valued by her husband. Her thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes are treated with respect. That doesn't have to mean agreement, either, just good manners. A Vaisnava should give all respect to others, what to speak of another Vaisnava. Vaisnavas are not ordinary. Among the innumerable living entities in this material world, one who has even a little attraction for Lord Krishna is very special.
"According to Manu-smriti, if the women of a family or community are happy, then peace and prosperity will flourish. But if the women are ill-treated, misfortune will befall everyone.
"Women must be honored and adored by their fathers, brothers, husbands, and brothers-in-law, who desire (their own) welfare. Where women are honored, there the gods are pleased; but where they are not honored, no sacred rite yields rewards. Where the female relations live in grief, the family soon wholly perishes; but that family where they are not unhappy ever prospers."
Otherwise, a wife is in great danger. Even if she were to always remain at home, even if she knows her duty is to remain chaste, she becomes vulnerable due to not feeling valued by her husband; her attention may wander to someone who does show that respect. It doesn't matter if she is married. There are plenty of men in the world- devotees included- who have no shame in marrying another man's ex-wife (and often even live near his presence!)
"A woman, however powerful she may be in the material world, must be given protection, for as soon as she is unprotected she will be exploited by Raksasas like Ravana (or those influenced in that way)." -SB 9.10.11p
"So, woman...they should not be ill-treated. Just like a father gives protection to the children--it does not mean it is ill-treatment, there is no question of--but protection.. Otherwise, apalaiva. They can be victimized by any man, powerful--because man is powerful....(Lecture, SB 1.15.20, LA, 11-30-73)
It helps to remember that the wife is not another male buddy nor coworker but a hyper-sensitive, living being that cannot handle the coarseness and harsh interactions men sometimes dish out to each other (SB 9.14.37). Treat her like a lady, and she may have impetus to behave like one.
A happy marriage, therefore, dictates mutual respect between husband and wife. Here's a wonderful example from the life of Tulasi devi retold by Amala Bhakta prabhu:
"Tulasi easily stole the heart of her husband, and Sankhacuda also attracted Tulasi's heart. After Tulasi garlanded her husband with pärijäta flowers, which prevent disease and old age, she placed a precious jeweled ring on his finger and offered him rare beautiful gems. Bowing down to his feet with devotion, she repeatedly said, 'I am at your service!'
"Sankhacuda smiled. He then presented Tulasi with clothes he had obtained from Lord Varuna's house...a precious necklace of jewels, an armlet he had gotten from Svähä (Agni's wife), armlets from Chäya (the sun god's wife), earrings from Rohini (the moon god's wife), finger rings from Rati (Cupid's wife), conch ornaments from Visvakarmä, as well as excellent bedding adorned with pearls and jewels. After further adorning her, he placed her feet on his chest and said, 'I am your servant.'"
HH Bhaktivikasa Swami (ACBSP) also commented, "When, the husband also, he has to see how to treat his wife. I saw one letter: One highly educated lady in our movement married, and she told her husband before the marriage, 'Look, you know, I can't get into this thing of washing your cloth and all this kind of thing'--she told him. Anyway, he didn't insist on that, but she described that after the marriage, he treated her so protectively and caringly that she automatically wanted to do that. She did it--does it. So, it's a two-way thing. It's not simply that the men order women around and this and that, but they also have to see for their benefit."
It may be added here that since not all men are of the same nature and all of us come from different backgrounds, a lady reading this may roll her eyes and think, "Wouldn't that be great to have a husband like that?" She may be in a very difficult relationship, especially in the beginning of a marriage, since love and trust and knowing how to deal nicely with each other as husband and wife has not yet been firmly established. Well, here's a tip: If your spouse does something that offends you and you keep calm about it, then they do not have the bad reaction from you to deal with. No crying nor getting nasty in return is there to distract him, and this in turn frees you from further entanglement (SB 1.17.22). That's because the karmic reaction you were destined to suffer falls back on him. Then all that's left is that he has to face his own behavior. If he's fortunate, he'll recognize that he has some personal issue to work on. Otherwise, it may take more time- usually for both of you- to learn self control. After all, we are students of yoga. This can only be made easier by sticking to the Krishna consciousness process.
(Part IV of "Guarding the Fort")
A good husband protects his wife like treasure. How? Here are some important ways:
PROTECTION BY DIRECTION
A good leader has to have a plan. The main plan should be how to become Krishna conscious in this lifetime and help our dependents also as far as possible. “So it is the duty of the king, it is the duty of the government, it is the duty of the father, it is the duty of the guru, it is the duty of the husband to see that his subordinate is being trained up in Krishna consciousness in this life, so that there will be no more death.”--SB 1.16.10 lecture
Of course, it's difficult to lead when still in training. Many of us have had no proper role models in the matter of managing family life. That will remain so until more devotees take family life serious enough to stick with it and thus gain experiences they can pass down to others. Yet, it's a leader's duty to see that everyone in his unit are on the same page, working for the same goal. While the wife's input is invaluable and should always be highly respected, it must be clear to everyone in the family unit- or for any successful corporation for that matter- that someone needs to make the final decisions after all due consultation, and according to Vedic injunctions, the ultimate decisions for the family as a whole is generally the prerogative of the husband.
Otherwise, the family is like a ship without a captain, just sailing around, tossed by the waves without any particular goals or destination in mind. This is very frustrating in the long run for everyone involved, as well as dangerous. It is often suggested, therefore, to have regular family meetings to figure out just what you want to accomplish as a family together both spiritually and materially, short term and long term. These goals may be clarified as time goes by, but the main thing is to have them.
DIRECTION BY EXAMPLE
A wife can have little faith in her husband if he tells her to be Krishna conscious and so on, but he himself does not chant his rounds, read diligently, render service to his spiritual master, attend the temple programs or lead the family worship. There's no power of conviction in such direction...nor will it receive respect. Therefore: "The pure devotees of the Lord, like Brahmä and persons in the chain of disciplic succession, do not do anything to instruct their subordinates without acting accordingly themselves." SB 2.9.40 purport
PROTECTION BY PROVISION
"It is therefore a man's duty to keep a woman under his control by satisfying her, giving her ornaments, nice food and clothes, and engaging her in religious activities. Of course, a woman should have a few children and in this way not be disturbing to the man."- SB 4.27.1p
PROTECTING BY RESPECTING
Above all, a woman is protected when she feels valued by her husband. Her thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes are treated with respect. That doesn't have to mean agreement, either, just good manners. A Vaisnava should give all respect to others, what to speak of another Vaisnava. Vaisnavas are not ordinary. Among the innumerable living entities in this material world, one who has even a little attraction for Lord Krishna is very special.
"According to Manu-smriti, if the women of a family or community are happy, then peace and prosperity will flourish. But if the women are ill-treated, misfortune will befall everyone."Women must be honored and adored by their fathers, brothers, husbands, and brothers-in-law, who desire (their own) welfare. Where women are honored, there the gods are pleased; but where they are not honored, no sacred rite yields rewards. Where the female relations live in grief, the family soon wholly perishes; but that family where they are not unhappy ever prospers."
Otherwise, a wife is in great danger. Even if she were to always remain at home, even if she knows her duty is to remain chaste, she becomes vulnerable due to not feeling valued by her husband; her attention may wander to someone who does show that respect. It doesn't matter if she is married. There are plenty of men in the world- devotees included- who have no shame in marrying another man's ex-wife (and often even live near his presence!)
"A woman, however powerful she may be in the material world, must be given protection, for as soon as she is unprotected she will be exploited by Raksasas like Ravana (or those influenced in that way)." -SB 9.10.11p
"So, woman...they should not be ill-treated. Just like a father gives protection to the children--it does not mean it is ill-treatment, there is no question of--but protection.. Otherwise, apalaiva. They can be victimized by any man, powerful--because man is powerful....(Lecture, SB 1.15.20, LA, 11-30-73)
It helps to remember that the wife is not another male buddy nor coworker but a hyper-sensitive, living being that cannot handle the coarseness and harsh interactions men sometimes dish out to each other (SB 9.14.37). Treat her like a lady, and she may have impetus to behave like one.
A happy marriage, therefore, dictates mutual respect between husband and wife. Here's a wonderful example from the life of Tulasi devi retold by Amala Bhakta prabhu:
"Tulasi easily stole the heart of her husband, and Sankhacuda also attracted Tulasi's heart. After Tulasi garlanded her husband with pärijäta flowers, which prevent disease and old age, she placed a precious jeweled ring on his finger and offered him rare beautiful gems. Bowing down to his feet with devotion, she repeatedly said, 'I am at your service!'
"Sankhacuda smiled. He then presented Tulasi with clothes he had obtained from Lord Varuna's house...a precious necklace of jewels, an armlet he had gotten from Svähä (Agni's wife), armlets from Chäya (the sun god's wife), earrings from Rohini (the moon god's wife), finger rings from Rati (Cupid's wife), conch ornaments from Visvakarmä, as well as excellent bedding adorned with pearls and jewels. After further adorning her, he placed her feet on his chest and said, 'I am your servant.'"
HH Bhaktivikasa Swami (ACBSP) also commented, "When, the husband also, he has to see how to treat his wife. I saw one letter: One highly educated lady in our movement married, and she told her husband before the marriage, 'Look, you know, I can't get into this thing of washing your cloth and all this kind of thing'--she told him. Anyway, he didn't insist on that, but she described that after the marriage, he treated her so protectively and caringly that she automatically wanted to do that. She did it--does it. So, it's a two-way thing. It's not simply that the men order women around and this and that, but they also have to see for their benefit."
It may be added here that since not all men are of the same nature and all of us come from different backgrounds, a lady reading this may roll her eyes and think, "Wouldn't that be great to have a husband like that?" She may be in a very difficult relationship, especially in the beginning of a marriage, since love and trust and knowing how to deal nicely with each other as husband and wife has not yet been firmly established. Well, here's a tip: If your spouse does something that offends you and you keep calm about it, then they do not have the bad reaction from you to deal with. No crying nor getting nasty in return is there to distract him, and this in turn frees you from further entanglement (SB 1.17.22). That's because the karmic reaction you were destined to suffer falls back on him. Then all that's left is that he has to face his own behavior. If he's fortunate, he'll recognize that he has some personal issue to work on. Otherwise, it may take more time- usually for both of you- to learn self control. After all, we are students of yoga. This can only be made easier by sticking to the Krishna consciousness process.
Now your good behavior gives your husband impetus to improve himself. In other words, we can take difficulties as opportunities for spiritual growth for both partners rather than being one sided, which is usually the case in most marriages today. It's either a dominating or self centered woman and dominated man or vice versa. But one has to be willing to take the humble position initially to help balance the other. A good wife will take it as her duty to help her husband in this way as well as herself. Keeping calm is prerequisite to good intelligence for handling any situation (SB 5.13.24)
PROTECTION WITH AFFECTION
"We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Naryana. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus she becomes beloved and well protected. Just as one saves his money and places it under his own personal protection, one should similarly protect his wife by his own personal supervision. Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always in have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife." -SB 4.26.17p
Prabhupada also remarked, “(In Vaikuntha) there is embracing, there is kissing, everything is there, but there is no sex life because they have got another thing, param drstvä nivartate—so sublime, so sweet, so transcendental that they are simply absorbed in Krishna thoughts. That is the perfection of Krishna consciousness.” (Vaiyaseka prabhu, Radha-Damodara Vilasa, 11/68, LA)
SLEEPING TOGETHER WITHOUT SEXUAL INTERACTION
This remains a question among devotees. Some say they cannot do it. It's too agitating or just too difficult to sleep properly. There is evidence both for and against sharing the same bed. Krishna for one thing, set the ideal in a detached way, and Srila Prabhupada wrote:
"An ideal householder should learn from the behavior of Lord Krishna how to rise early in the morning, however comfortably he may be lying in bed embraced by his wife." --KB 70
Yet, Prabhupada remarks, "These things are strictly prohibited for public seeing. These things... Everyone knows that when there is man and woman or husband and wife there is..., but not to be publicly exhibited. According to Hindu system—we have seen it—the wives go to the husband at night and nobody could see. Everyone... When everyone has gone, all elderly people has gone to sleep, then the wife goes. And he (she) comes early in the morning so that nobody can see when she has come out from the husband. This was the system. And at daytime no wife was allowed to see the husband, especially young wife. So this sex affair, according to Vedic civilization, is strictly regulated." -SB 6.1.56 lecture. 1/3/71
For this reason, many from old ISKCON days were taught that temple grhasthas sleep separately. "Grhasthas live outside the temple, for in the temple we do not allow even husband and wife to live together." (Adi lila 7.38 purport) That's because so many other renunciates, especially brahmacaris, often must live in close vicinity.
Yet another reason for separate beds, which would in this case be temporary, is when the mother has a nursing baby she sleeps with. She can tend to her baby without disturbing the husband, and it's safer for the baby.
A WORD ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Just observe someone with out of control anger and see how ineffective it is and the problems that develop. The wife- and the children also who are witnesses- will live in a state of fear which in turn creates duplicity and dishonesty. When we give in to anger and go out of control, respect is also lost.
Prabhupada remarked about raising children that if you cannot manage them properly without beating them, then you should be beat, what to speak of dealing with one's wife.
“The strong man’s strength should be applied to protect the weak, not for personal aggression.” Bg 7.11p
Just as we vow to give up illict sex, intoxication, etc. by good association we can learn how to give up unlawful anger.
"To restrain the urge of anger is compulsory for those who are thirsty for devotional service. Anger arises when a man's lust is unfulfilled. When one is angry the result gradually leads one to ruination. It is said in CC Madhya 19.14: 'Because a devotee of Lord Krishna is desireless, he is peaceful.'"
So, it is a matter of continued purification but also education. Uneducated men may know nothing better: "If you become lenient, then she will be troublesome. So in India still, in villages, whenever there is some quarrel between husband wife, the husband beats and she is tamed. In civilized society, 'Oh, you have done this?' Immediately some criminal case. But in uncivilized society they don't care for court or civilized way." rm conversation, 4/12/69, NY
An educated man, on the other hand, has more options. Krishna implied this while joking with Srimati Rukminidevi: "I sometimes create a situation with My wives which is not very happy. Because I was trained in a village in My childhood, I am not well acquainted with the etiquette of urban life. I do not know the way to please a wife with nice words and behavior." (KB60) There are many things a man can do besides resort to wife beating. Evidently, it was possible even five thousand years ago for a man to learn this. But as the rest of this blog indicates, there are many things a wife can do to keep her husband peaceful. Sastra gives emphasis on the woman to learn this.
In either case, Bhismadeva named the number one qualification that separated a human being from an animal was to not become angry. -SB 1.9.26p
KIND BUT FIRM
Benjamin Franklin wrote, “I do not know which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands or commanding wives.” In other words, a man may be too heavy with his wife, but another man may be too lenient. In both cases the woman feels unprotected. One wife complained, "I wish my husband was more assertive, would take charge." There has to be a balance. The best advice is to be kind but firm. This means not of the world, but at the same time also in the world. When there's material attachment, anger is generated. When there is material detachment, duty is neglected. This is all solved by attachment to Krishna's service which is also detachment from material desire:
"A man should not be attached to a woman, nor should a woman be attached to a man. Both man and woman should be attached to the service of the Lord." -SB 3.31.41p
Furthermore, there is the danger of the husband being overly attached to the wife for sex enjoyment. He shouldn't become lenient for that reason. "Unfortunately, if the man becomes attracted to the woman simply for sex enjoyment, then family life becomes abominable." SB 4.27.1p
GRHASTHA, NOT GRHAMEDHI
"Regardless of whether one is a householder or a renunciate, the important point is that of relevant inquiries. A sannyäsi is bogus if not interested in relevant inquiries, and a grhastha, or householder, is bona fide if he is inclined to put forward such inquiries. The grhamedhi, however, is simply interested in the animal necessities of life". - Srila Prabhupada
"The husband's duty is to give the wife all protection, even from the material maya, and the wife's duty is to see to the personal comforts of the husband. In this way the husband and wife in cooperative spirit should execute Krishna Consciousness. " -letter, 1/16/69, LA
Protection cannot exist unless the husband and the wife also are diligent in spiritual cultivation. "I am getting reports from outside that some of our family disciples, they are not very much attending temples regularly. So if they do not attend temples, do not take to the service, then gradually they'll become grhamedhi...So as soon as one becomes grhamedhi, he becomes blind to see what is self-realization... Stick to this point, Krishna. Then you'll be happy."
A helpful meditation from Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura's Saranagati:
(1) na korolun karama, geyana nahi bhelo,
na sevilun carana tohar
jada-sukhe matiya, apanaku vanca-i,
pekhahun caudisha andhiyar
O Lord, nothing further remains that may be called "mine." Father, friend, brother-You alone are all these to me.
(2) bandhu, dara, suta, suta-tava dasi das
sei to' sambandhe sabe amara prayas
My friends, wife, sons and daughters are now Your servants and maidservants. Whatever care I take for them is only as they are related to You.
(3) dhana, jana, griha, dara 'tomara' boliya
rakha kori ami matro sevaka hoiya
Declaring that my wealth, family members, home, and wife are truly Yours, I continue as a mere servant to dutifully protect them.
(4) tomara karyera tore uparjibo dhan
tomara samsare-vyaya koribo vahan
For the purpose of Your service I will earn money and bear the expense of maintaining Your household.
(5) bhalo-manda nahi jani seva matro kori
tomara samsare ami vishaya-prahari
I know nothing of what is good or bad; I simply render my service. I am but a watchman set to guard the properties of Your household.
(6) tomara icchaya mora indriya-calana
shravana, darshana, ghrana, bhojana-vasana
I exercise my senses only according to Your direction, and thus I desire to hear, see, smell, and taste.
(7) nija-sukha lagi' kichu nahi kori ar
bhakativinoda bole, tava sukha-sar
I no longer do anything for my own pleasure. Bhaktivinoda says, "Your pleasure is the essence of everything."