HH Bhakti Vikasa Swami (ACBSP) referred to the current nuclear family as a "nuclear family bomb", set to go off due to the many aggravations of the present age. This is an accurate comparison considering what the average couple must face, such as the high cost of living, environmental pollution, the threat of war and increasing violence and social unrest, western medicine, bad government, blurred gender roles, the lack of extended family support, poor training and bad association.
Realizing the amount of stress brought about by these things should generate a good amount of sympathy and patience with our spouses and others, including ourselves. Also the following are suggestions to help defuse some of the tension:
DIVISION OF DUTIES
For smooth running of any social body, families included, there must be a division of labor and responsibilities. It helps to sit down with your spouse and discuss exactly what you feel are your duties in accordance from what you have heard from guru and scripture as well as what you expect from each other or what you hope the other can handle responsibly. For example, some one needs to be in charge of the family budget, and oftentimes a lady is given her own household budget to keep things running while the husband may be concerned with family finances overall.
Things can go a lot smoother, also, if we learn how to relate properly with one another. So many people grow up today with poor role models of how to be a good husband, wife, parent or friend. We've also been programmed by modern society to become so self-absorbed, we are hardly aware of the needs of another. One reader wrote, "After I was married awhile, I began to see so many things wrong with my husband. He didn't seem to match up to be that 'perfect husband' I'd dreamed about. Far from it. And the more I thought about this, the more unhappy I became. Then one day it occurred to me that the problem may not be so much because of my husband as it was due to my own lack of preparation during childhood and my teen years to be a good wife to him. He was just responding to my own bad behavior." This is the sign of a devotee. Rather than looking at the faults of others, she is fortunate enough to look for her own.
SPENDING TIME TOGETHER
As often as possible, husband and wife should find time to be together as a couple, even if its just driving to a store together. That gives time to talk and appreciate one another's company once again.
“My dear beautiful wife, you know that because we are householders we are always busy in many household affairs and long for a time when we can enjoy some joking words between us. That is our ultimate gain in household life.” Actually, householders work very hard day and night, but all fatigue of the day’s labor is minimized as soon as they meet, husband and wife together, and enjoy life in many ways. Lord Krishna wanted to exhibit Himself as being like an ordinary householder who delights himself by exchanging joking words with his wife." --KB60
My daughter and her husband are a good example. They regularly take time to do things together as well as give one on one time for each little one with each parent. They call it "bonding time". I call it a "love cushion".
SUFFICIENT REST
It's a rough world out there, so whenever one's husband is at home and needs a break, try to prevent anyone or anything disturb him. It's time to take the phone off the hook, redirect those drop-in visitors, stop doors from slamming and chairs from skidding, and even take those noisy bangles off if it can create a more restful atmosphere for your beloved.
Make sure to get sufficient rest yourself also. Many people are so sleep deprived they don't even realize how much a problem it can be and how taking care to rest properly can make any problem a lot less hopeless.
EXTENDED VAISNAVA FAMILY SUPPORT
These are the people you can trust the most, depend on for assistance and get support. One Indian man related to me how his extended family come together every evening to sing bhajans and share prasadam. The ladies of the household help each other with the cooking, child care, and practical know how.
It is said that, “The law of the child is to listen and learn. The law of the adult is to work and experience, and the law of the mature person is to share the wisdom." Grandparents are especially valuable. They may impart much wisdom to their descendants while helping with their upbringing, since the mother and father of the children are often too busy or immature to do this alone.
Furthermore, the very presence of grandparents- as well as other community elders- eases the chances of spousal abuse so prevalent in the nuclear family model. Abuse generally takes place in private, but for a couple overseen by the husband's family, the husband and or wife have someone to answer to if he or she misbehaves. Experienced, elderly Vaisnavas
WORKING TOWARDS INDEPENDENT LIVING
There is a serious lack of close-knit, extended family and Vaisnava community because of the industrial-dependent communities most of us westerners currently live in. Corporate employment, for example, has the tendency to separate people rather than keep them together. But it doesn't have to be like this. One can think big while working with reality. An example is the ever growing population of "urban homesteaders." Many of them, who are striving toward simple living skills within their present circumstances, may be found on the net, showing how to create home and local businesses, compost and garden and live simply and frugally even while still in a city.
Prabhupada often emphasized the importance of learning to live this way, gradually becoming independent by owning land: "Indian people are little clever. They would come from the village to the city alone, not with family. They earn money and send to the family. And whenever they like, they go away. They're not dependent. And if you bring family, you have to work. That system is still going on. The village men, they come but they do not bring their family. Family remains in the village. He earns, he lives some way or other and sends money there, and the wife who is intelligent. He (she) accumulates the money and when there is enough money he (she) purchases land, investment. So... In after few years, when they have got enough land, they do not come back. They produce their own necessities. Very nice. Hare Krishna. As soon as they are self-sufficient from the land they no more work. That's a good idea. Remain in the village with family."
If enough devotees think like this and network together, we will soon see varnasrama communities, perhaps backed at first, while striving for self sufficiency, by wealthy city dwellers who share the same vision. Currently, there are many donors supporting big city temples and opulent deity worship, but Krishna or Bhaktavatsala, would be far more pleased if His devotees are given facility and encouragement to live the way He intended.
WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
In the modern world, friends are often thought of as people to party with, enjoy sense gratification with. Better friends are those who are there in a time a need. And the best way to be a friend is to return the favor whenever called upon.
And this has been mentioned before, but is worth repeating: both husband and wife need at least one good friend who they can safely confide in. It is great fortune to have someone like that. In any case, there is always Krishna. He never gets tired when one needs to reveal one's mind to Him, but at the same time it's good to have someone acting as a sounding board and to acknowledge our thoughts.
CULTIVATING SELF REALIZATION
Greater than all these considerations so far, for taking the edge off life in the material world, the most important thing is self realization or Krishna consciousness, that's because so often we see that even the best of plans and intentions don't always work out. But that's because Krishna may have other plans for us. He plans how we may advance in our hearts.
For one thing, when a husband is having a hard time, the wife can make it her service to Krishna to tolerate (or vice versa). As this all-important service attitude or transcendental position blossoms, we become less affected by the good or bad reactions that must come, but without it- respect towards another will be distasteful and artificial and so-called love will be seen for what it really is.
This equality towards happiness and distress is a matter of becoming self-satisfied, accepting Krishna's will while understanding that material adjustments serve only to prolong our material existence (Bg 5.22). Maharaja Prthu was therefore advised: "My dear King, do not be agitated and anxious because your sacrifices have not been properly executed due to providential impediments. Kindly take my words with great respect. We should always remember that if something happens by providential arrangement, we should not be very sorry. The more we try to rectify such reversals, the more we enter into the darkest region of materialistic thought." -SB 4.19.34
Adverse situations are actually the other side of Krishna's mercy, meant to bring His devotees closer to Him, and the more helplessly dependent a devotee feels upon the Lord, the more inclined He is towards the devotee. One's heart must be kept open towards Krishna in all circumstances. One sincere soul put it this way: "Our attitude can either be broken, free from material desires, or wounded. One who is broken by the sufferings of material existence is compared to a crushed flower. If you smell a flower it has some scent, but if one pinch it or crush it, the scent is deeper and sweeter." Until we come to that state, free from all ideas of material enjoyment, the Lord can't use us very much.
Continuing to harbor material desires has the opposite effect. Our hearts becomes wounded, hardened, angry, bitter, self-pitying, envious and very unhappy. We fail to take responsibility for ourselves by pointing fingers at God, authority, Iskcon, our unfortunate spouse....anyone but ourselves. This is the opposite of the surrendered heart that feels so much deserving of more punishment, but grateful for the little suffering only,that was endured in comparison. Instead of thinking, "Why should I have to put up with this!", one feels the reality of smallness, like a mouse that realizes, if it has any power, it comes from association with the tiger, namely one's association with guru and Krishna. That subordinate mood thinks, "Krishna has put me in this situation for a reason. Instead of wanting my way, let me follow Krishna's plan." In that state, "more tolerant as a tree or humbler than grass" becomes possible, willing to give without the concern of what is given back. An unknown Christian author gave this perspective:
We resist, with great vehemence,
The thought of being treated as another’s doormat.
Our hearts cling with the utmost ferocity
To our right to not-be-walked-on.
We refuse to submit to the slightest hint of ill-treatment
Or that which would bruise our self-esteem.
Why do we despise being doormats?
It’s in the ability to lie harmless and placid,
In the ability to rest completely inconspicuous,
In the ability to not shrink from the thunderstorm,
And in the ability to be hidden beneath silent snow all the winter long;
It’s in the ability to be stepped on day after day
And in the ability to be muddied and dirtied by the shoes of others when the floods come
And at whatever point you are willing to submit
And be flattened into the cut of a lowly, unassuming doormat,
Willing to be lifted and placed under the feet of anyone and all whom the Master chooses--
You will have the key to spiritual life.
That’s doormatability.
The key to such ability is the awakening of a service mood. A service mood doesn't mean thinking less of oneself (pure spirit) either, it means thinking of one's self less. It means detachment from the false ego or false conception of who one is.
For such an attitude, the Lord awards many blessings. A compassionate mood awakens instead of something hateful, realizing that difficult spouses tend to have been poorly prepared growing up and lack the skills to deal with anger, frustration, stress and so on. They often are at a loss in these areas and therefore require wise handling. This encourages healing because when people witness our steady commitment they reciprocate the same. "Love is loves reward."
This is not an easy task for someone still struggling with material desire. One may at times feel devoid of any love- especially in a troubled marriage. But instead of praying to change the situation; let us pray to change our consciousness, pray for pure loving devotion to Krishna's lotus feet. As a result, Krishna supplies intelligence how to deal with any situation, along with strength, patience, courage and mystic opulence.
At other times one will see the direct intervention of the Lord.
OVERCOMING WEAKNESSES
Finally, there is one more thing worth mentioning. It is so subtle, most people are not aware of. It is our attitude, our view of men and ourselves, by which one unwittingly ends up in a troubled marriage. Many men's rights groups are springing up the address the kinds of propaganda that have been made against men and marriage and the puffed up concept of womanly life (Bg 16.7p) that has been pushed for decades by the feminist movement. Via education and the media, now many misconceptions are being challenged. A radio talk show host, Dennis Prager, for example, noted:
"As every wise person and wise culture in history has known, it is impossible to attain any happiness without conquering one's nature. This is, of course, equally true for boys and girls, men and women. However, along with feminism arose a belief in the superiority of female nature. One result of this has been the suppressing of many male instincts -- both negative and positive -- along with little or no suppression of negative female instincts."
Also being revealed are how greatly men have been weakened by negative attitudes towards them and artificial laws and facilities given to women, thus leaving their crude, self-indulgent wives out of control. As a result, there are so many women today who claim to have been "abused" in their marriage when quite the opposite is true. And often they speak with a certain amount of pride about being a "survivor". Yes, she may have survived her imaginary abuse, but what good is it if she remains a fool? Nowadays, if a husband even tries to address his wife's misbehavior, she may mistakenly think herself the victim and scream,"Abuse!" Out of fear of losing his kids, home, sometimes even his life, a man therefore keeps silent when in reality she is manipulating him in such a way she has become a family terrorist. Worse is the widespread concept that women have some sort of impunity from responsibility. In other words, more attention should be paid to the social environment.
Women, too, are now waking up to these facts. "Women's Rights...and Wrongs" is one example. All these things demonstrate how the Bhagavatam purports and other sources of Vedic wisdom are infallible in their statements depicting women left to serving themselves.
"Because of her nature, a woman can respond to even a slight offense from her husband by not only leaving him but even killing him if required. To say nothing of her husband, she can even kill her brother. That is a woman's nature. Therefore, in the material world, unless women are trained to be chaste and faithful to their husbands, there cannot be peace or prosperity in society." -SB 9.14.37p
"Women are self-interested by nature, and therefore they should be protected by all means so that their natural inclination to be too self-interested will not be manifested. Women need to be protected by men. A woman should be cared for by her father in her childhood, by her husband in her youth and by her grown sons in her old age. This is the injunction of Manu, who says that a woman should not be given independence at any stage. Women must be cared for so that they will not be free to manifest their natural tendency for gross selfishness... This is not a criticism of women but a practical study of their nature. Such natural instincts of a woman or a man are manifested only in the bodily conception of life. When either a man or a woman is advanced in spiritual consciousness, the bodily conception of life practically vanishes."-SB 6.18.42p
Interestingly, this is a highlight of the new wave of feminism that has arisen today, recognizing that women are not the victims they were once thought to be. It acknowledges their capacity for not only good, but also great evil.
THE PEACE FORMULA
Recognizing this is important because as long as we identify with our material body, it is not that we may completely shed the demoniac nature we were born with. No, it is always lurking in the back ground. What we can do, by Lord's grace, however, is learn to transcend it. We can choose not to follow such propensities, but to follow Krishna's plan by which a service mood awakens. Instead of being interested in our rights, we'll become more interested in what is right, what is pleasing to Krishna (Bg 5.29).
Also by examining our real situation in this temporary world, one will not be overly attached to it nor waste time working for that "perfect situation". It is better to strive towards a loving relationship with the all merciful Lord Krishna, Who alone can give protection to ourselves and our families and awaken our compassion and cooperation with others. Krishna Himself sets the proper mood:
"I am not very much interested in family life or love between husband and wife. By nature, I am not very fond of family life, wife, children, home and opulences. As My devotees are always neglectful of all these worldly possessions, I am also like that. Actually, I am interested in self-realization; that gives Me pleasure, and not this family life.” -KB 60
"Always neglectful" doesn't necessarily mean neglecting or abandoning household life altogether. The Lord didn't, when He spoke these words. Instead, they point to Krishna's instructions in the Bhagavad gita to continue to perform our duties but with detachment in our hearts, with self realization that transcends bodily designation. In this way we can find peace amidst a world of disturbances and help others to do so, too.
A Sense of Humor Helps, Too!
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