The most magnanimous Lord Caitanya "was an ideal sannyäsi, and when He was at Puri His feminine devotees could not even come near to offer their respects. They were advised to bow down from a distant place. This is not a sign of hatred for women as a class, but it is a stricture imposed on the sannyäsi not to have close connections with women. One has to follow the rules and regulations of a particular status of life in order to purify his existence. ...The ideal sannyäsi was Lord Caitanya Himself, and we can learn from His life that He was very strict in regards to women. Although He is considered to be the most liberal incarnation of Godhead, accepting the most fallen conditioned souls, He strictly followed the rules and regulations of the sannyäsa order of life in connection with association with woman."
-Bg 16.1-3p
Also an excerpt from a letter from a sannyasi to a female disciple: "As far as external dealings are concerned, there are fundamentally no outlets for 'friendly' exchanges between a sannyasi and a woman."
So what's a woman to do? Her initiating spiritual master is a sannyasi and there's no chance of intimate service. Prabhupada replies that Krishna's concession for women is the pati guru, the husband guru: "Your duty is to keep peacefully with your husband, and his duty is to follow strictly the principles given to him by his spiritual master. You have got to live, so live cooperatively." …Srila Prabhupada speaking to his female disciple in Fiji, 1976
WIFE SERVING THE HUSBAND/ DISCIPLE SERVING THE SPIRITUAL MASTER
Rather than miss out, a woman serving her husband is comparable to the fortunate disciple who receives instruction, personal service and chastisements directly from his guru, especially since a husband is less likely to withhold correction than a sannyasi with a female disciple. From these, good qualities develop, and a wife can serve her husband in personal ways which are not possible with sannyasis. Doing such menial service does not make her a doormat, either; when we see a male disciple serving his male guru in such a way do we consider him a doormat? Rather, a wife serving her husband gets the same benefits that a male disciple serving his guru does, regarding sense control, service mood and so on.
Compare each of the following pairs of quotes regarding the duties of both male disciples and married wives:
RENDERING PERSONAL SERVICE
"The words guru-susrüsayä mean that one should personally serve the spiritual master by giving him bodily comforts, helping him in bathing, dressing, sleeping, eating and so on. This is called guru-susrüsanam. A disciple should serve the spiritual master as a menial servant." SB 7.7.30-31p
"It is the wife’s duty to serve the husband, to keep the house clean, cook nicely, and make her husband comfortable when he comes back from work. " SB 3.22.3p
LEARNING SENSE CONTROL
"From the very beginning, a brahmacäri is trained to sacrifice everything for the benefit of the guru....In this way he learns how to control his senses." -SB 7.6.9p
" Devahüti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses...Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity." -SB 3.23.2-3
CONTROLLED EATING
"One has to study the Vedas under the guidance of the spiritual master and undergo many austerities and penances while living under his care. A brahmacäri has to live in the home of the spiritual master just like a servant, and he must beg alms from door to door and bring them to the spiritual master. He takes food only under the master's order, and if the master neglects to call the student for food that day, the student fasts. These are some of the Vedic principles for observing brahmacarya." -Bg 8.28p
“In India the process is that husband and wife, that after the husband eats, the remnants are taken by the wife. The wife does not eat along with the husband. That is the old system....The husband is supplied by the wife all kinds of good dishes, and when the husband is satisfied, some foodstuff is left, and that is taken by the wife.” -Bg 4.19-22 lecture, 8/8/66, NY (Note: Taking what "is left" doesn't necessarily mean directly off his plate. Although that is one form of remnants it is not the only one. She may simply take what is left in the serving pots after distributing the prasadam to her husband and others.)
APPRECIATING KRISHNA'S GIFT
Serving a husband, making sacrifices, humbly complying with his instructions...all these are very purifying and life changing for a woman. And from these, material benefits are derived, especially the gift of children.
A woman with children is like a cow with a calf. As the cow gives milk, so also motherhood helps a woman give more and, by Krishna's perfect arrangement, such sacrifice furthers her purification.
MAKING HIM FEEL LIKE NUMBER ONE
Appreciating these gifts means don't take your partner for granted! It is a very common mistake for women to put their children, home, extended family and friends and community service before the needs of their husband.
Yet, the marriage relationship is the foundation for happy family life. It means listening to him when he is speaking, doing things for him, offering respect, being neat and clean in his presence, and greeting him with a smile.
It means appreciating what he does, and if he messes up, dwelling on his good side, his good intentions. It means praying for him, forgiving him and loving him because he is Krishna’s.
Before he gets home, take time to freshen up and set the home in order. Turn off the computer and give him undivided attention, thinking ahead about his needs and comfort.
Make a fuss on your anniversary and his birthday. Graciously wear the adornments and ornaments of a chaste lady such as bindi and sindhur and always remember the Lord's teaching that: “One who is the devotee of My devotee is my real devotee." -NOD12
COOPERATING AS MAIDSERVANT AND SERVANT
"This is ideal of human civilization. The every woman should try to become maidservant of her husband, and every man should try to become the hundred times servant of Krishna. This is Indian civilization, not that 'Husband and wife, we are equal rights.' That, in Europe, America, the movement is going on, 'Equal rights.' That is not Vedic civilization. Vedic civilization is the husband should be a sincere servant of Krishna, and the wife should be a sincere maidservant of the husband." -SB 7.9.24 lecture, 3/2/76, Mayapura
-Bg 16.1-3p
Also an excerpt from a letter from a sannyasi to a female disciple: "As far as external dealings are concerned, there are fundamentally no outlets for 'friendly' exchanges between a sannyasi and a woman."
So what's a woman to do? Her initiating spiritual master is a sannyasi and there's no chance of intimate service. Prabhupada replies that Krishna's concession for women is the pati guru, the husband guru: "Your duty is to keep peacefully with your husband, and his duty is to follow strictly the principles given to him by his spiritual master. You have got to live, so live cooperatively." …Srila Prabhupada speaking to his female disciple in Fiji, 1976
"Especially instruction are given to men. All literatures, all Vedic literatures, they are especially meant for instruction to the men. Woman is to follow the husband. That's all. The husband will give instruction to the wife. There is no such thing as the girl should go to school to take brahmacäri-äsrama or go to spiritual master to take instruction. That is not Vedic system. Vedic system is a man is fully instructed, and woman, girl, must be married to a man. Even the man may have many wives, polygamy, still, every woman should be married. And she would get instruction from the husband. This is Vedic system. Woman is not allowed to go to school, college, or to the spiritual master. But husband and wife, they can be initiated. That is Vedic system."--SB 1.3.13 lecture
WIFE SERVING THE HUSBAND/ DISCIPLE SERVING THE SPIRITUAL MASTER
Rather than miss out, a woman serving her husband is comparable to the fortunate disciple who receives instruction, personal service and chastisements directly from his guru, especially since a husband is less likely to withhold correction than a sannyasi with a female disciple. From these, good qualities develop, and a wife can serve her husband in personal ways which are not possible with sannyasis. Doing such menial service does not make her a doormat, either; when we see a male disciple serving his male guru in such a way do we consider him a doormat? Rather, a wife serving her husband gets the same benefits that a male disciple serving his guru does, regarding sense control, service mood and so on.
Compare each of the following pairs of quotes regarding the duties of both male disciples and married wives:
RENDERING PERSONAL SERVICE
"The words guru-susrüsayä mean that one should personally serve the spiritual master by giving him bodily comforts, helping him in bathing, dressing, sleeping, eating and so on. This is called guru-susrüsanam. A disciple should serve the spiritual master as a menial servant." SB 7.7.30-31p
"It is the wife’s duty to serve the husband, to keep the house clean, cook nicely, and make her husband comfortable when he comes back from work. " SB 3.22.3p
LEARNING SENSE CONTROL
"From the very beginning, a brahmacäri is trained to sacrifice everything for the benefit of the guru....In this way he learns how to control his senses." -SB 7.6.9p
" Devahüti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses...Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity." -SB 3.23.2-3
CONTROLLED EATING
"One has to study the Vedas under the guidance of the spiritual master and undergo many austerities and penances while living under his care. A brahmacäri has to live in the home of the spiritual master just like a servant, and he must beg alms from door to door and bring them to the spiritual master. He takes food only under the master's order, and if the master neglects to call the student for food that day, the student fasts. These are some of the Vedic principles for observing brahmacarya." -Bg 8.28p
“In India the process is that husband and wife, that after the husband eats, the remnants are taken by the wife. The wife does not eat along with the husband. That is the old system....The husband is supplied by the wife all kinds of good dishes, and when the husband is satisfied, some foodstuff is left, and that is taken by the wife.” -Bg 4.19-22 lecture, 8/8/66, NY (Note: Taking what "is left" doesn't necessarily mean directly off his plate. Although that is one form of remnants it is not the only one. She may simply take what is left in the serving pots after distributing the prasadam to her husband and others.)
APPRECIATING KRISHNA'S GIFT
Serving a husband, making sacrifices, humbly complying with his instructions...all these are very purifying and life changing for a woman. And from these, material benefits are derived, especially the gift of children.
A woman with children is like a cow with a calf. As the cow gives milk, so also motherhood helps a woman give more and, by Krishna's perfect arrangement, such sacrifice furthers her purification.
MAKING HIM FEEL LIKE NUMBER ONE
Appreciating these gifts means don't take your partner for granted! It is a very common mistake for women to put their children, home, extended family and friends and community service before the needs of their husband.
Yet, the marriage relationship is the foundation for happy family life. It means listening to him when he is speaking, doing things for him, offering respect, being neat and clean in his presence, and greeting him with a smile.
It means appreciating what he does, and if he messes up, dwelling on his good side, his good intentions. It means praying for him, forgiving him and loving him because he is Krishna’s.
Before he gets home, take time to freshen up and set the home in order. Turn off the computer and give him undivided attention, thinking ahead about his needs and comfort.
Make a fuss on your anniversary and his birthday. Graciously wear the adornments and ornaments of a chaste lady such as bindi and sindhur and always remember the Lord's teaching that: “One who is the devotee of My devotee is my real devotee." -NOD12
COOPERATING AS MAIDSERVANT AND SERVANT
"This is ideal of human civilization. The every woman should try to become maidservant of her husband, and every man should try to become the hundred times servant of Krishna. This is Indian civilization, not that 'Husband and wife, we are equal rights.' That, in Europe, America, the movement is going on, 'Equal rights.' That is not Vedic civilization. Vedic civilization is the husband should be a sincere servant of Krishna, and the wife should be a sincere maidservant of the husband." -SB 7.9.24 lecture, 3/2/76, Mayapura