“A regulated householder does not indulge in unrestricted sex life and other sense gratification...Restricted, unattached sex life is also a kind of yajna because the restricted householder sacrifices his general tendency toward sense gratification for higher, transcendental life.” -Bg 4.26p
OBLIGATION VS AGITATION
It has been suggested, however, by an anonymous devotee, that although on the one hand a man wants to be self controlled, a strong husband for his wife as described above, on the other hand, he should be honest about his own needs and why he entered household life- for sex.
First of all, not only does this kind of thinking misunderstand the purpose of the grhastha asrama, but his suggestion of taking shelter of one's wife for the purpose of sex alone will only serve to feed the flames of lust. Actually, it is proposing that a husband just give in to the pressure or dictation of his senses.
It is better to have patience. Relationships take time. In traditional India, a young lady served her husband before living with him. In the example of Devahuti and Kardama Muni also, it was after the wife satisfied her husband by her loving service for a long time that he reciprocated. Not only that, Kardama was able to gladly share with Devahuti his immense mystic opulences he had acquired by his long penance performed in the meantime. Similarly, by following the regulative principles strictly, a man can feel satisfied over time by his wife's good qualities and loving service; he naturally feels pleased to reciprocate, especially by giving her children.
Actually, at that point it becomes obligatory; it becomes his duty which then makes his action in the mode of goodness, rather than action in the mode of passion.
"Kardama Muni married a wife. Why he shall not give her children? The wife reminded him that she must have some children. So he must satisfy the wife and give her some children, that is the duty of a husband." -letter, 3/23/69, Hawaii
The point is, Devahuti served her husband quite diligently for some time before making such a request, and her husband felt very satisfied and had genuine compassion for her. The husband felt good about the relationship and felt good about himself afterwards.
SACRED SEX
One may love to eat salad, and one may eat a salad every day without difficulty. Yet, if one is unable for some reason or other, to have salad very rarely, how special it becomes! In the same way, sex can become a very special and sacred act. Prabhupada has given the rule to regulate it for once a month until pregnancy occurs. There are many quotes, but here are a few about considerations and preparations for that important time.
"Married life is not for sex indulgence. The principle of marriage is on the background of getting good children. So the householder is allowed to have sex life once in a month, just after the menstrual period. The menstrual period prolongs at least for 5 days, so after this 5 days, one can have sex life provided he desires to get a child. And as soon as the wife is pregnant, no more sex life, until the child is born and is grown up at least for 6 months. After that, one may have sex life on the same principle. If one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life. "-letter, 9/20/68, SF
"Semen is meant to be discharged when one has a home, a wife and the intention to beget children, otherwise there is no injunction for discharging semen. " -SB 4.8.1p
"Before engaging in sexual intercourse, both the husband and the wife must consider their mental condition, the particular time, the husband's direction, and obedience to the demigods. According to Vedic society, there is a suitable auspicious time for sex life, which is called the time for garbhädhäna. " -SB 3.14.38p
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FOR GOOD CHILDREN
"Generally, according to Vedic civilization, the wife is trained to be satisfied in all conditions, and the husband, according to Vedic instruction, is required to please the wife with sufficient food, ornaments and clothing. Then, if they are satisfied with their mutual dealings, good children are born." ---SB 4.1.6p
A SUITABLE PLACE
In SB 3.23.11 Devahuti asked her husband to "please think of a suitable house for this purpose" for arousing passion, since their present home was completely in the mode of goodness. He created, therefore, a grand castle in the sky that could travel. Similarly, people traditionally are known to go off together on a "honeymoon" or a special place after their wedding. It appears that Kardama and Devahuti set that standard, although they had wisely waited until their relationship was deeply connected.
GARBHADHANA SAMSKARA
"Garbhädhäna-samskära means when the father is going to give birth to a child, it is not a secret affair. It is open affair. 'Now this is the good, auspicious day, and today the father will implant the seed of the son in the womb of the mother.' There is great function. That is called garbhädhäna-samskära. And there are witnesses, all the brähmanas, that 'This day, such and such time, this king or this person has begotten this child.' Just like when the child is born, it is recorded in the government book, similarly, when one is going to give birth to a child, that is also recorded. ..When the mentality of the father and mother is completely Krishna consciousness, so that when there will be sexual intercourse, the mentality of the child will be Krishna conscious. This is the garbhädhäna-samskära." -SB 1.16.1 lecture, 12/29/73, LA
"Before the birth takes place, or before father and mother unite, there is a ceremony called garbhädhäna-samskära, which must be adopted. This garbhädhäna-samskära is especially recommended for higher castes, especially the brähmana caste. It is said in the sästras that if the garbhädhäna-samskära is not practiced among the higher castes, the entire family becomes südra. It is also stated that in this age of Kali, everyone is südra due to the absence of the garbhädhäna-saàskära. This is the Vedic system. " -SB 4.31.10p
TIMING
"Lord Shiva, being very kind to the ghosts, sees that although they are condemned, they get physical bodies. He places them into the wombs of women who indulge in sexual intercourse regardless of the restrictions on time and circumstance. " SB 3.14.24p
ATTRACTION
Just as Arjuna could not fight without his anger being invoked by Krishna, sex life requires one's passions being aroused: "Sex life is especially meant for having good children. The circumstances for creating good children are mentioned in käma-sästra, the scripture in which suitable arrangements are prescribed for factually glorious sex life. Everything needed is mentioned in the scriptures—what sort of house and decorations there should be, what sort of dress the wife should have, how she should be decorated with ointments, scents and other attractive features, etc. With these requisites fulfilled, the husband will be attracted by her beauty, and a favorable mental situation will be created. The mental situation at the time of sex life may then be transferred into the womb of the wife, and good children can come out of that pregnancy. Here is a special reference to Devahüti's bodily features. Because she had become skinny, she feared that her body might have no attraction for Kardama. She wanted to be instructed how to improve her bodily condition in order to attract her husband. Sexual intercourse in which the husband is attracted to the wife is sure to produce a male child, but sexual intercourse based on attraction of the wife for the husband may produce a girl. That is mentioned in the Äyur-veda. When the passion of the woman is greater, there is a chance of a girl's being born. When the passion of the man is greater, then there is the possibility of a son. Devahüti wanted the passion of her husband to be increased by the arrangement mentioned in the käma-sästra. She wanted him to instruct her in that way, and she also requested that he arrange for a suitable house because the hermitage in which Kardama Muni was living was very simple and completely in the mode of goodness, and there was less possibility of passion's being aroused in his heart." SB3.21.11P
NOT MECHANICAL
Neither did Kardama Muni lose control over himself when he loved Devahuti. But that does not imply that one must act in a mechanical way. A devotee can behave like an ordinary karmi in such an endeavor because his detachment is within. He may appear to be enjoying himself while performing his duties, but the focus is on giving happiness to one's deserving partner for a higher cause (Bhagavad gita 7.11). There is a service mood and a loving reciprocation instead of just scratching an itch. If a man is not satisfied at heart, just lusty, it is not the same. The fact that he "wants" means lust.
One lady, however, being overly anxious about following the recommended time, place and other ritualistic concerns, was having difficulty conceiving. The things mentioned above are all helpful and important, but we shouldn't get into anxiety about them either. Conception should be a very happy affair. In the Padma Purana, Lord Vishnu even described that a chaste wife can "act like a prostitute" at the time of bona fide cohabitation. When the mataji was advised to relax, therefore, and instead think about how to please her husband at that special time, soon afterward she conceived a son.
Thus, there must be a healthy balance, since we don't want to become overly attached to sex life either. We should be attached to our duty, to our service to Krishna and the spiritual master. The rules and regulations may appear troublesome, but the results of following them are purifying and thus they give a greater, lasting sense of satisfaction (Bg 18.37) and well-being and happier home life.
Thus, there must be a healthy balance, since we don't want to become overly attached to sex life either. We should be attached to our duty, to our service to Krishna and the spiritual master. The rules and regulations may appear troublesome, but the results of following them are purifying and thus they give a greater, lasting sense of satisfaction (Bg 18.37) and well-being and happier home life.