The grhastha asrama is like a fortress (SB 5.1; 5.1.18; 3.14.20) wherein husband and wife protect each other by practicing Krishna consciousness together and elevating themselves spiritually, thus subduing their most powerful enemies, the senses. This is the purpose of the grhastha asrama.
Yet, often the question is raised, what can a person do if their spouse wants sex which is breaking the regulative principles? Here's part one of an ongoing discussion as well as helpful suggestions.
SAYING "YES" TO LOVE AND "NO" TO ILLICIT SEX
First of all, for a man with a happy home life and respectful, undivided attention from his wife when he needs it, sex is less likely to be missed. Otherwise, in today's world, sex may be all that he may expect, since wives are often heavily involved outside their homes.
Bhagavän: But actually, our women are so qualified in so many ways, but these girls who simply work in the city can do nothing. They can’t cook, they can’t clean, they can’t sew.
Prabhupäda: All rubbish, these modern girls, they are all rubbish. Therefore they are simply used for sex satisfaction... - morning walk, 5/27/74, Rome
Such women make better girlfriends than wives because a satisfying home life usually includes nice prasadam on time, an orderly household and knowing how to manage everything so not to burden the husband with unnecessary anxiety and expenses. And it means that his children are not strangers because they haven't been left at a day care center all day in their childhood.
It means his wife is able to greet his homecoming with a smile, because she took little breaks during the day to ensure she'd be her best when he is home.
But more importantly is that, although she may dress attractively and serve her husband very pleasingly with a comfortable refuge, palatable dishes, sweet words, submissive behavior, affectionate glances and attractive feminine gestures, at the same time she herself holds firmly to religious principles. What a disappointment if he is sexually agitated, but she falls to the same level.
Again, this is more likely to happen if the man is made to feel neglected by his wife. In that case, she may feel much more obliged, because if he can't even get that kind of satisfaction, it's only a matter of time before he decides he's better off without her or seeks comfort someplace else. He may be comparable to someone who may be very hungry, but not only does he not get a decent meal, he can't even get dessert!
Yet, often the question is raised, what can a person do if their spouse wants sex which is breaking the regulative principles? Here's part one of an ongoing discussion as well as helpful suggestions.
SAYING "YES" TO LOVE AND "NO" TO ILLICIT SEX
First of all, for a man with a happy home life and respectful, undivided attention from his wife when he needs it, sex is less likely to be missed. Otherwise, in today's world, sex may be all that he may expect, since wives are often heavily involved outside their homes.
Bhagavän: But actually, our women are so qualified in so many ways, but these girls who simply work in the city can do nothing. They can’t cook, they can’t clean, they can’t sew.
Prabhupäda: All rubbish, these modern girls, they are all rubbish. Therefore they are simply used for sex satisfaction... - morning walk, 5/27/74, Rome
Such women make better girlfriends than wives because a satisfying home life usually includes nice prasadam on time, an orderly household and knowing how to manage everything so not to burden the husband with unnecessary anxiety and expenses. And it means that his children are not strangers because they haven't been left at a day care center all day in their childhood.
It means his wife is able to greet his homecoming with a smile, because she took little breaks during the day to ensure she'd be her best when he is home.
Again, this is more likely to happen if the man is made to feel neglected by his wife. In that case, she may feel much more obliged, because if he can't even get that kind of satisfaction, it's only a matter of time before he decides he's better off without her or seeks comfort someplace else. He may be comparable to someone who may be very hungry, but not only does he not get a decent meal, he can't even get dessert!
King Purañjana said: "I do not understand why my household paraphernalia does not attract me as before. I think that if there is neither a mother nor devoted wife at home, the home is like a chariot without wheels. Where is the fool who will sit down on such an unworkable chariot?"
And the great politician Cāṇakya Paṇḍita said:
mātā yasya gṛhe nāsti
bhāryā cāpriya-vādinī
araṇyaṁ tena gantavyaṁ
yathāraṇyaṁ tathā gṛham
“If a person has neither a mother nor a pleasing wife at home, he should leave home and go to the forest, because for him there is no difference between the forest and home.” The real mātā, or mother, is devotional service to the Lord, and the real patnī, or devoted wife, is a wife who helps her husband execute religious principles in devotional service. These two things are required for a happy home. (SB 4.26.50 purport)
"Actually, a woman is supposed to be the energy of the man. Historically, in the background of every great man there is either a good mother or wife. One's household life is very successful if he has both a good wife and mother. In such a case, everything about household affairs and all the paraphernalia in the house becomes very pleasing. Lord Caitanya Mahäprabhu had both a good mother and pleasing wife, and He was very happy at home. Nonetheless, for the benefit of the whole human race, He took sannyäsa and left both His mother and wife. In other words, it is essential that one have both a good mother and wife in order to become perfectly happy at home. Otherwise home life has no meaning. Unless one is religiously guided by intelligence and renders devotional service unto the Supreme Personality of Godhead, his home can never become very pleasing to a saintly person. In other words, if a man has a good mother or a good wife, there is no need of his taking sannyäsa—that is, unless it is absolutely necessary, as it was for Lord Caitanya Mahäprabhu." (SB 4.26.15 and purport)
LOVE IS PROTECTIVE
Since women are described as the fire and men the helpless butter, we also need to cultivate an awareness of our own power, taking care how we behave around our husbands (what to speak of other men) and careful about keeping ourselves pure.
Many women are either terribly naive about this (Antya 2.118), or else they are deliberately intent on bringing about a man's falldown. In any case, it should be understood that a man can become agitated just by seeing a woman's under garments, therefore a thoughtful wife is careful to hang them discreetly. And rather than wandering throughout the house in lingerie with her hair loose, she has enough respect for her husband to dress nicely when he is home. Ideally, a woman should have separate quarters for lounging and dressing, along with a private bathroom.
IF THE HUSBAND IS VERY AGITATED
Despite a wife's best efforts, however, some men are affected more by passion and ignorance and not so much on the brahminical platform. For such a man, besides the usual recommendations for increasing his association with advanced devotees, good sadhana and regular hearing of Srimad Bhagavatam, especially in holy places like Sri Mayapur and Vrndavana dhams, the following have also been recommended:
MORE CHANTING
Prabhupada: "Sense enjoyment means not advanced in Krishna consciousness. As soon as one is advancing in Krishna consciousness, his sense enjoyment spirit will be reduced... The test is, how you are advancing in Krishna consciousness is the proportionate diminishing of sense enjoyment. That is the test. Just like cure of the disease means diminishing the fever, temperature. This is the test.
LOVE IS PROTECTIVE
Since women are described as the fire and men the helpless butter, we also need to cultivate an awareness of our own power, taking care how we behave around our husbands (what to speak of other men) and careful about keeping ourselves pure.
Many women are either terribly naive about this (Antya 2.118), or else they are deliberately intent on bringing about a man's falldown. In any case, it should be understood that a man can become agitated just by seeing a woman's under garments, therefore a thoughtful wife is careful to hang them discreetly. And rather than wandering throughout the house in lingerie with her hair loose, she has enough respect for her husband to dress nicely when he is home. Ideally, a woman should have separate quarters for lounging and dressing, along with a private bathroom.
IF THE HUSBAND IS VERY AGITATED
Despite a wife's best efforts, however, some men are affected more by passion and ignorance and not so much on the brahminical platform. For such a man, besides the usual recommendations for increasing his association with advanced devotees, good sadhana and regular hearing of Srimad Bhagavatam, especially in holy places like Sri Mayapur and Vrndavana dhams, the following have also been recommended:
MORE CHANTING
Prabhupada: "Sense enjoyment means not advanced in Krishna consciousness. As soon as one is advancing in Krishna consciousness, his sense enjoyment spirit will be reduced... The test is, how you are advancing in Krishna consciousness is the proportionate diminishing of sense enjoyment. That is the test. Just like cure of the disease means diminishing the fever, temperature. This is the test.
Devotee (1): What if that fever is not being diminished?
Prabhupäda: Then he should try to chant Hare Krishna mantra, instead of sixteen rounds, sixty-four rounds. That is the way. Sixteen round is the minimum. Otherwise Haridäsa Thäkura was 300,000. So you have to increase. That is the only remedy. If one has got determination, he will make progress without any trouble. That determination is very difficult, that determination, "I must be Krishna conscious fully." That determination. (Morning walk,5/14/75, Perth)
MORE THAN ONE WIFE
Polygamy has also been mentioned as another recourse, although at present it is grossly undervalued:
Prabhupada: And as soon as one girl is pregnant, she should be separated.
Hrdayänanda: From the husband.
Prabhupäda: At least for one and half years.
Upendra: At the moment of pregnancy? From the moment of pregnancy one and a half years?
Prabhupäda: Yes. Pregnancy is understood at three months. From that month till further, sixteen months at least, she should not come to be near husband. That is eka-kadi (?). The child does not live... And they are not inclined to come unless a man induces. So the man, if he has got more than one wife, so man will not disturb her. And she will take rest for the next eighteen months. So after ten months she will give birth to the child, and for six months continually she will take care of the child. Feeding the child with breast milk, the child will be healthy. If the child can take mother's milk for six months at least continually, he'll become healthy for life.
Upendra: Where do they send that mother?
Prabhupäda: Where they'll take care.
Upendra: If the man sends the woman away, where does she...?
Prabhupäda: Our aim is not to give help, but not... Generally she goes to the father's house." (Room conversation, 8/1/75, New Orleans)
Polygamy is controversial even among devotees. Some are afraid unscrupulous men will be taking advantage of this concession as well as the problem of not being able to maintain each wife properly. Krishna, for example, provided separate quarters for each and every wife. That is an important consideration. Also polygamy is currently unlawful in many countries.
Still, polygamy should not be disregarded altogether. Look at the life of ex-President Clinton. There wouldn't have been such a fuss if he had been allowed to have more than one wife. He certainly had the facility to maintain them. Also, since there are more women than men in the world along with the fact that normally women want a husband, it starts to make more sense, especially if there is a shortage of devotee husbands. Therefore, Prabhupada often spoke favorably about it.
"People have become so degraded in this age that on the one hand they restrict polygamy and on the other hand they hunt for women in so many ways. Many business concerns publicly advertise that topless girls are available in this club or in that shop. Thus women have become instruments of sense enjoyment in modern society. The Vedas enjoin, however, that if a man has the propensity to enjoy more than one wife—as is sometimes the propensity for men in the higher social order, such as the brähmanas, ksatriyas and vaisyas, and even sometimes the südras—he is allowed to marry more than one wife. Marriage means taking complete charge of a woman and living peacefully without debauchery. At the present moment, however, debauchery is unrestricted. Nonetheless, society makes a law that one should not marry more than one wife. This is typical of a demoniac society." -SB 4.26.6p
GIRLFRIENDS
If all else fails, in Vedic culture a man is allowed to go to a prostitute. Thus a married wife can remain pure. A married wife is not meant for illicit sex. "Sex life with one's wife is equal to prostitution if the regulations are not properly followed." SB 3.14.33p
Srila Prabhupada remarked, "Because marriage means not for sense gratification....To get nice son, that is the idea of marriage. Not for sense gratification. Those who are after sense gratification, according to Vedic scripture, they are, I mean to say, recommended to go to the prostitute. Therefore in Hindu society, still, there is a prostitute class. They are allowed..."- Room conversation, 9/24/68, Seattle
Historically, not all types of prostitution are abominable. For example, in "Memoirs of a Geisha", the women were highly trained and talented to satisfy a man expertly without gross sexual interaction. Regarding the prostitutes of Dwaraka city, Srila Prabhupada states they provided a necessary service for the upkeep of society. "Men who are not satisfied at home require such concessions, and if there is no prostitute, then such low men will induce others into prostitution. It is better that prostitutes be available in the marketplace, so that the sanctity of society can be maintained." -SB 1.11.19p
Yet, this does not apply to any man who makes a vow to his spiritual master during initiation- "No illicit sex." One who is not serious about spiritual life should not get initiated. Such men can have girlfriends. An initiated man cannot. In order to qualify himself as a preacher of the holy name, Srila Bhaktivinoda gave this stern reminder:
"Grhasthas and vanaprasthas are forbidden to go to prostitutes or to women other than their wedded wife, and also to engage in unrestricted sex life with their own wife. Brahmacaris and sannyasis are absolutely restricted from association with women. Any man guilty of such offenses is disqualified from being an employee of the Nama Hatta." (Sri Godrum Kalpatavi by Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur)
THE PROSTITUTE WIFE
It is the duty of a chaste wife, also, to follow the vows of her intiated husband. (SB 7.11.25). But sometimes the wife, too, may become overly agitated, and a man needs to know how to protect himself.
"Diti... was pressed by Cupid for sexual satisfaction. She caught hold of the clothing of the great brähmana sage, just like a shameless public prostitute....
PUTTING MAYA OFF
We can learn from Thakura Haridasa one important way to deal with these problems. "When Thäkura Haridäsa was tempted by a public prostitute at the dead of night, he avoided the allurement because of his perfection in Krishna consciousness. That is the difference between a Krishna conscious person and others. Kasyapa Muni was greatly learned and enlightened, and he knew all the rules and regulations of systematic life, yet he failed to protect himself from the attack of sex desire. Thäkura Haridäsa was not born of a brähmana family, nor was he himself brähmana, yet he could protect himself from such an attack due to his being Krishna conscious. Thäkura Haridäsa used to chant the holy name of the Lord three hundred thousand times daily." -SB 3.14.30-31p
Haridasa was so absorbed in his Krishna consciousness, in his duty, he had no time for maya and the prostitute also became purified as a result. Similarly, we can put off maya by keeping always busily absorbed in Krishna's service, speaking about Krishna and everything related to Him while meditating on His lotus feet, which helps us avoid meditating on the objects of the senses. Even during a passionate approach, speaking about and glorifying the Lord's holy name near our significant other gently reminds him (her) of the Lord and immediately surcharges the atmosphere with Krishna's transcendental presence and protection.
For progressing devotees, it can be as simple as that.