THE DESIRE TO MARRY Normally, people have a desire for companionship throughout life; it is a necessity in fact for most, and marriage is the lawful way for a man and woman to fulfill it. Since most people require the help of this grhastha asrama created by the Lord, its a good idea to understand its purpose and how to execute it. In this regard, this post will focus on the importance and benefits of arranging early marriages for women.
CONSIDERATIONS FOR ACCEPTING A WIFE
Kardama Muni said, "Certainly I have a desire to marry, and your daughter has not yet married or given her word to anyone. Therefore our marriage -according to the Vedic system -can take place."
Kardama Muni accepted Devahüti because she had fixed her mind upon marrying him, and she had had no previous "boyfriends" or marriage. "But what's the big deal?", one may argue, "Why must he be concerned about this?". There is good reason, however, for such a consideration:
Prabhupada explains, "The psychology is that woman, the first man she meets and if she is kept carefully, she becomes staunch lover. This is psychology. There is good psychology in maintaining the society. Therefore a woman, especially in India, especially in Bengal, before attaining puberty, she was married. Not to meet the husband unless she attains puberty. But she remained at father's house, but she must know that: 'I am married. I have got husband.' This psychology. Then she becomes very chaste. Because she thinks of her husband, and becomes more and more devoted. So this arrangement (is) that woman must be married before puberty."-(Bg1.40 lecture, 7/28/73, London)
"A chaste wife is one who never had any connection with men before her marriage. Once a woman is given the freedom to mingle with all kinds of men in her youth, it is very difficult for her to keep chaste. She generally cannot remain chaste. " -SB 4.26.16p
Knowing these facts convinced Kardama Muni to accept her.
SOME ADVANTAGES OF EARLY MARRIAGE
There are a great many advantages to marrying very young rather than later. Here's a few to start with:
1. First and foremost, the girl's chastity is maintained, as mentioned above. It is easier for her to be devoted to one man and one man only, and her husband also will no doubt greatly value a heart that's undivided.
"As soon as a woman attains the age of puberty, she immediately becomes very much agitated by sexual desire. It is therefore the duty of the father to get his daughter married before she attains puberty. Otherwise she will be very much mortified by not having a husband. Anyone who satisfies her desire for sex at that age becomes a great object of satisfaction. It is a psychological fact that when a woman at the age of puberty meets a man and the man satisfies her sexually, she will love that man for the rest of her life, regardless who he is. " --SB 4.25.42p
2. Another very important aspect is this: early marriage is psychologically satisfying for both boys and girls: "Although a girl was married early she did not stay with her husband immediately, but was gradually trained in so many ways how to cook, clean and serve her husband in so many ways—up until the time of her puberty. So all the time there was no anxiety because a girl would know—I have got a husband, and the boy would know I have got this girl as my wife. Therefore when the boy and girl would come of age there was no chance of illicit sex-life. And the psychology is the first boy that a girl accepts in marriage, that girl will completely give her heart to, and this attachment on the girls side for her husband becomes more and more strong, thus if a girls gets a good husband—one who has accepted a bona fide spiritual master and is firmly fixed up in his service, automatically the wife of such a good husband inherits all the benefits of his spiritual advancement." -letter, 7/28/73, Bhaktivedanta manor
Girls who are not protected in this way, generally end up mixing with the opposite sex anyhow, but irresponsibly, thus postponing their lives, maturity and self realization.
"In Vedic society, no girl was allowed to remain independent and unmarried. Independence for women means they become like prostitutes, struggling to capture some man who will take care of her. In this way the so called independent woman has to work very hard to make herself attractive by artificially wearing cosmetics—mini skirts and so many other things." --letter, 7/28/73, Bhaktivedanta manor
3. Since a young lady has not yet become "set in her ways", it is easier for her to adapt to her husband. "A woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband." (SB 9.3.10p) Conversely, the longer a woman is independent, the more she must struggle to mold herself to a husband later in life.
4. A similar consideration is that she still has much youthful energy to meet the demands of household life and child rearing. One may argue that she is not mature enough to handle the job, but being older does not necessarily mean one will be a better mother. Both start out not knowing what to do. A younger woman, however, is more likely to have both her mother and mother-in-law still alive and still capable to give her assistance as well as pass on a wealth of important practical knowledge. Her chances also for being available to her own grown up children greatly increases, and she can become a grandmother also, not too old that she or they miss out on such a relationship.
5. Childbearing years are relatively short and the older one is, the less likely she will conceive and the more at risk is her health and the health of the children born to her (unless you think lots of unnatural intervention is OK)..
KANYA DAYA-A FATHER'S OBLIGATION
Considering how much love a good father has for his daughters, no one else could be as qualified as him to find them suitable husbands.
"The father's duty will be finished when the daughter is given to a suitable boy to take charge. That is marriage system. Marriage system is that it is necessary, necessary for social equilibrium. And it is the duty of the father to get the daughter married to a suitable boy. And when she is married, then the father's duty is finished. Unless she is married, the father's duty is not finished. This is Vedic culture. It is called kanyä-däya. Kanyä means daughter, and däya means obligation. Kanyä-däya". SB 1.16 lecture
"In the shastra, I do not know exactly what is that shastra, but they say that if the girl, before marriage, has menstruation, then the father has to eat that menstrual liquid. Means it is…very strict… …Duty of getting the girl married rests on the father, in absence of the father, the eldest brother. The girl must be married. That is it. It is called daya, kanya-daya… …Kanya-daya means to get the girl married is a daya. You cannot refuse it. It is incumbent, You must do it". -morning walk, 2/9/76
"So there must be good population. So to have good population the women should be very chaste. That is the basic principle of Vedic civilization. And to keep the women chaste, it was the function of the responsible father, or in the absence of the father, the elder brother… so he must get the woman, the girl, married. It is compulsory… …It is called Kanya-Daya. Kanya-Daya. Kanya-Daya means it is very obligatory that the father must get the daughter married. This is dharma." Bg lecture 1.40 lecture, 7/28/73
"Kanya-Daya, daya means by law the father is bound to get his daughter married, by law. He cannot escape the responsibility. This is father’s duty… …Because without father the daughter cannot be properly married. Daughter or son… …without father, mother, simply by lusty desires, that selection may be wrong and that becomes actually happened. Therefore there is divorce." Room conversation 7/7/76
KANYA DANA - THE GIFT OF A GIRL
“Dan means, literally, 'gift.' Kanya is a young girl, a virgin. The most sacred form of marriage ... in India has been kanyadan, 'the gift of a girl.' The concept has a prominent place in ancient Hindu lawbooks, and is known everywhere today, as well. The 'love match --well known in India as the Western way of making marriages--is considered scandalous and immoral, especially in Mithila.
“When a man's daughter comes close to puberty, he begins the search for a husband for her. It is his responsibility to take the initiative; grooms' families bide their time, waiting for offers. The idea behind kanyadan is that a virgin is the best gift a man will ever have to give; he seeks to give this precious gift, therefore, to a worthy recipient. He likens this gift to a gift to the gods; 'My daughter's husband is Vishnu to me,' said one Srotriya.” --Carolyn B. Heinz, Kanyadaan
"As stated in the Vedic scriptures, the first-class process is to call the bridegroom to the home of the bride and hand her to him in charity with a dowry of necessary ornaments, gold, furniture and other household paraphernalia. This form of marriage is prevalent among higher-class Hindus even today and is declared in the sästras to confer great religious merit on the bride's father. To give a daughter in charity to a suitable son-in-law is considered to be one of the pious activities of a householder. There are eight forms of marriage mentioned in the scripture Manu-smrti, but only one process of marriage, brähma or räjasika marriage, is now current. Other kinds of marriage-by love, by exchange of garlands or by kidnapping the bride-are now forbidden in this Kali age. " -SB 3.22.16p
FIRST CLASS MARRIAGE IS ARRANGED BY THE PARENTS
"Formerly, at least in India during my time, marriages did not take place because the boy and girl liked each other. No. Marriages were decided by the parents..." -Srila Prabhupada
"A girl likes boy, and a boy likes girl. 'That's all right. Now let the marriage take place.' They do not see what will be future of this girl and the boy. Never. Therefore everyone is unhappy. Six months after marriage, divorce. Because the marriage took place on superficial liking, no deep understanding... " SB 1.15.46 lecture, 12/24/73p
THE MATCH MAKING ART
For the future happiness of the couple, matchmaking took several factors into account:
FAMILY CONSIDERATIONS
"A child generally follows the principles of his maternal uncle's house. Naränam mätula-karma means that a child generally follows the qualities of his maternal family. If the maternal family is very corrupt or sinful, the child, even though born of a good father, becomes a victim of the maternal family. According to Vedic civilization, therefore, before the marriage takes place an account is taken of both the boy's and girl's families." -SB 4.13.39p:
"'We always try to marry our daughters up. It's best for the families. We don't want to take a daughter-in-law from higher up because she'll be used to being treated highly and used to having lots of things; she just won't fit in.' In other words, such a daughter-in-law will not be able to serve her in-laws well because she will feel superior to them.
“Although 'marrying up' is the norm, the contracting families' status difference is often small or even fictional. Families like to contract with families with similar backgrounds, standards, and ideas" -Lindsey Harlan, Religion and Rajput Women
"According to the Vedic system, marriages between ksatriyas and ksatriyas or between brahmanas and brahmanas are the general custom. If marriages sometimes take place between different classes, these marriages are of two types, namely anuloma and pratiloma. Anuloma, marriage between a brahmana and the daughter of a ksatriya, is permissible, but pratiloma, marriage between a ksatriya and the daughter of a brahmana, is not generally allowed." - SB 9.18.5p
ASTROLOGICAL HELP
"According to the Vedic system, the parents would consider the horoscopes of the boy and girl who were to be married. If according to astrological calculations the boy and girl were compatible in every respect, the match was called yotaka and the marriage would be accepted. Even fifty years ago, this system was current in Hindu society. Regardless of the affluence of the boy or the personal beauty of the girl, without this astrological compatibility the marriage would not take place. A person is born in one of three categories, known as deva-guna, manusya-guna and raksasa-guna. In different parts of the universe there are demigods and demons, and in human society also some people resemble demigods whereas others resemble demons. If according to astrological calculations there was conflict between a godly and a demoniac nature, the marriage would not take place. Similarly, there were calculations of pratiloma and anuloma. The central idea is that if the boy and girl were on an equal level the marriage would be happy, whereas inequality would lead to unhappiness. Because care is no longer taken in marriage, we now find many divorces. Indeed, divorce has now become a common affair, although formerly one's marriage would continue lifelong, and the affection between husband and wife was so great that the wife would voluntarily die when her husband died or would remain a faithful widow throughout her entire life." SB 9.18.23p
MARRIAGE BETWEEN EQUALS
"Marriage and friendship are proper between two people who are equal in terms of their wealth, birth, influence, physical appearance and capacity for good progeny, but never between a superior and an inferior." SB 10.60.15
MARRIAGEABLE AGE
"There must be compulsory marriage of young boys and girls attaining twenty-four years of age and sixteen years of age respectively. There is no harm in coeducation in the schools and colleges, provided the boys and girls are duly married, and in case there is any intimate connection between a male and female student, they should be married properly without illicit relation. The divorce act is encouraging prostitution, and this should be abolished." -SB 1.17.38p
"Boy not exceeding 20 years or 25 years at most, and girl not exceeding 15 years, 16 years, must be [married]. Samskara. This is one of the samskaras…" -Room conversation 7/7/76
"In India the girls are generally married by the age of twelve. The boys, however, are not married before eighteen," end of CC Adi lila intro
"Formerly the girl would be married to a suitable boy at a very early age, say six years old. But although a girl was married early she did not stay with her husband immediately, but was gradually trained in so many ways how to cook, clean and serve her husband in so many ways—up until the time of her puberty. "- letter, 7/28/73
"And it is recommended they should be married at very early age, then the wife will remain always chaste and devoted to her husband. At such young age, from the first night onwards, she can never for a moment forget him, being still child and unspoiled, therefore she becomes the perfect chaste wife." -letter 11/7/72, Vrndavana
"Formerly, in our days, younger days, although the girl was married at an early age, she was not allowed to see her husband unless she is grown-up fully. Unless she has attained puberty, she is not... She lives with her parents. But she knows that 'I have got my husband.' This consciousness is a great pleasure for a women psychologically, that 'I have got husband.' A very nice system. And when the girl grows up, puberty, then again another ceremony is taken. That is almost like second marriage. The girl goes to her husband, to live with her husband. This was the system." -SB 1.8.51 lecture, 5/13/73, LA
"So women were taken so much care by the Vedic civilization. Still they are taken. It is the duty of the father... Until she is married, it is the duty of the father to give her all protection. Therefore the father wants to get her married, to get relief from the responsibility. He has a great responsibility. It is called kanyä-däya. Actually the word is called kanyä-däya. Putra-rna. Rna means debt. If you are debtor to somebody you may not pay it, saying, "Sir, I have no money. Whatever you like, you can do." But däya means a great burden. It must be get relieved of. Däya means a great responsibility. Däya. Däya-bhäk. Just like a son inherits the property of the father... It is called däya-bhäk, law. Similarly, this is the, I mean to say, most obligatory duty of the father, to get the daughter married. And then it is the duty of the husband next. Just like we get... When we perform marriage ceremony in our society, we get the husband promise that he takes charge of the girl for life. And the girl agrees to serve the boy for life. There is no question of divorce.SB 2.3.1 lecture, 5/19/72, LA
"Because young girls, very minor age, they were married, say, ten years, nine years, twelve years. But they're allowed to live with husband, say, after thirteen years or fourteen years, when she has attained puberty. So the system is six months father house and six months husband. In this way, going and coming. But when she is elderly she can remain continually with her... Because after all, she is girl, so she cannot tolerate the separation from father and mother. So six months here, six months.." -rm conversation, 4/12/69,NY
THE DUTIES OF CHILDREN
"Honor thy father and thy mother." is a scriptural injunction taught to every Judeo/Christian child. But can those children today find enough reverence for their fathers and mothers that they would unquestionably accept whatever future spouse their parents arrange for them? There are countless Hindu youth, however, who've not only been taught the same lesson but truly live up to it even in the present day. They have such high regard and trust in their parents, they continue to accept whatever marriage match that is arranged for them.
“Despite the new (if qualified) emphasis on education for girls, the chief ambition that girls maintain is to be a good wife. Of course, this is easier if they acquire good husbands, and so many of them keep a weekly vrat, a religious fast, to please the god Shiv, whom they consider a model husband. As to the choice of husband, girls leave that up to their parents. Arranged marriages are an iron rule, a rule almost universally accepted as being in the interest of bride and groom. Young women and men are considered too inexperienced in the ways of life to be able to choose suitable marriage partners." - Lindsey Harlan, Religion & Rajput Women
WHEN LOVE COMES AFTER MARRIAGE
"In the beginning, what the child knows about love? No. But they are allowed to remain as husband and wife. They are thinking that 'I have got my husband,' 'I have got my wife,' and as the age increases, the dealings become intimate. Then they become affectionate. That is quality. Not in the beginning there is any quality. It is by the parents' arrangement. That's all. In our day, the marriage was performed when the girl is ten years, twelve years, nine years. Twelve years is very late marriage. My second sister, she became twelve years old. So my mother became so disturbed that 'This girl is not being married. Shall I commit suicide?' Yes. You see? My eldest sister, she was nine years old, older than me, and she was married before my birth. And my mother-in-law was married at the age of seven years, and my father-in-law was eleven years. I was married... My wife was eleven years. So in this age there is no question of love. It is not that the husband and wife lives together, no. Unless the girl is grown up, she is not going to the husband. She remains with the father and mother. Sometimes they meet, and the wife is taught, giving some sweetmeat to the husband-official. Official. The parents of the girl: 'Just go up to your husband and offer this.' So she comes as obedient servant. But gradually they get the connection. In this way the love develops, and when they are fifteen, sixteen years old, they are allowed to live together. Because both of them have already developed that 'She is my wife,' 'He is my husband,' psychologically. And there was no question of divorce. The love is so strong, they cannot dream even that 'I have to leave my wife,' 'I have to leave my husband.' They cannot dream it. They may fight. The husband and wife fighting, that is not unusual. Therefore Canakya Pandita says, 'Fight between the husband, wife, never take it seriously.... it is not very important. Don't take.' Next moment they will again live peacefully. So according to Indian culture, there is no divorce. There is no question of divorce. Both the husband and wife, they cannot dream of divorce. The love was so strong." -morning walk, 11/2/75, Nairobi
Furthermore, Prabhupada gives us the secret that true love is based upon a spiritually progressive relationship. It is only achieved by loving Krishna: "The art of focusing one’s attention on the Supreme and giving one’s love to Him is called Krishna consciousness. We have inaugurated the Krishna consciousness movement so that everyone can satisfy his propensity for loving others simply by directing his love toward Krishna. The whole world is very eager to satisfy the dormant propensity of love for others, but the various invented methods like socialism, communism, altruism, humanitarianism and nationalism, along with whatever else may be manufactured for the peace and prosperity of the world, are all useless and frustrating because of our gross ignorance of the art of loving Krishna. Generally people think that by advancing the cause of moral principles and religious rites they will be happy. Others may think that happiness can be achieved by economic development, and yet others think that simply by sense gratification they will be happy. But the real fact is that people can be happy only by loving Krishna." KB intro
THE CHOICE IS OURS
Prabhupada makes it clear that it may be difficult or not possible to change what people are accustomed to right away, but he never says that the situation will forever remain that way or that it is impossible. It takes time and rests on individuals to take the matter seriously enough to act on it and thus inspire others.
Hari-sauri: But just like in our society we already have so many people who are initiated, but they can't follow the principles very strictly.
Prabhupäda: That's all right. It will take some time. They'll do it.
Hari-sauri: They just have to be encouraged to keep that association.
Prabhupäda: Therefore I stress in every letter, "Chant Hare Krishna at least sixteen times. Follow the principles." That can be done.(?) This simple method will help. Even if he cannot strictly follow, still, whatever he has done, that is his asset. And it will give me more and more chance. So it is not actually lost...
Hari-sauri: So we have to give allowances to such people. We have to give allowance?
Prabhupäda: Allowance? It is not allowance, but give him instruction. It is up to him to follow or not to follow.
Hari-sauri: But we cannot give any compromise.
Prabhupäda: No. This is the way. "But you are not able? All right, take little more time."
Hari-sauri: So, say like one point now that's coming up more and more is that these married couples, the women want a divorce or get another husband.
Prabhupäda: But we should not implicate.
Hari-sauri: So we cannot encourage divorce.
Prabhupäda: No. We do not meddle matters in that way very much. That is a sideline.
-rm conversation, 1/21/77, Bhuvanesvara
" The boys and girls are freely mixing...without any restriction. So we cannot enforce, at least, at the present moment (marriage arranged by parents)." -Rm conversation, 9/24/68, Seattle
"Sometimes jealous persons criticize the Krishna consciousness movement because it engages equally both boys and girls in distributing love of Godhead. Not knowing that boys and girls in countries like Europe and America mix very freely, these fools and rascals criticize the boys and girls in Krishna consciousness for intermingling. But these rascals should consider that one cannot suddenly change a community’s social customs." CC Asi 7.31-32p
"Still, in India, the father, not the, I mean to say, modernized, educated Indians. In villages they are not very much educated. Oh, they must get their girl, I mean to say, daughter, married before fifteen years. Otherwise, it will be a social scandal. The father is responsible for that. So, of course, we cannot introduce that system in your country. It is not possible. But it is up to you, that if you want to utilize your, this very favorable situation of life, get yourself married, live peacefully and execute Krishna consciousness, what is the difficulty?" -SB 5.5.2 lecture, 4/28/69, Boston
CHILD MARRIAGE OR CHILD PREGNANCY?
While recalling his early life, Rasaraja Dasa [aka Ravi Gomatam, Ph.D., International Secretary of the Bhaktivedanta Institute] suggests that the spiritual and philosophical foundations of Hindu society are missing and that...we must bring back this spiritual dimension: "When I was living in the States, someone asked me, "Is it true that in India they have child marriages?"
I said, "Yes, my mother got married when she was eleven."
He said, "Isn't that barbaric?"
Now, this would put most Indians on the defensive. If you are a pseudo-intellectual following one of these shallow Westernized Indian writers, you may even vigorously agree! However, by this time I had just started reading Srila Prabhhupada's books, and could thus come up with a good response. Already in the late 70s they had separate resting rooms in the high schools of Detroit for pregnant schoolgirls. So, I asked him in turn, "Is it true that in America even young girls, 11 or 13 years old, get pregnant?"
He said, "Yes."
Then I asked him, "So which is more barbaric, child marriages or child pregnancy?" The answer was obvious to him.
Indians busy imitating the West want to give up child marriage, but now they will have to accept extra-marital child pregnancies.
"The natural instinct is already there. When the boy and the girl are grown up, naturally the attraction is there, spontaneous. Similarly, he has to be, they have to be brought up in the proper situation. In India, therefore, early marriage is recommended."-SB 2.3.115 lecture
"The first principle is this that one should be completely aloof from all womanly connection save and except his own married wife. In that sense child marriage is most convenient form of morality and there are many examples in the noble life. Mahatma Gandhi was married at the age of sixteen or so and it is said that his wife was elder than him by one year. But see the life of Mahatma Gandhi. Apart from economic considerations, the system of child marriage prevents both the man and the woman falling into immoral connection with the opposite sex. Psychologically both a boy or a girl develops the sex-consciousness at the age of thirteen to eighteen years of age according to different climatic conditions. In such stage especially after the attainment of puberty a woman wants a male and if she is not married within that time and allowed to mix up with boys who have developed the sex consciousness, it is quite natural that there is every chance of fall down either by the boy or by the girl. With the change of social conditions, the standard of conjugal life is also changing but the code of avoiding unholy connection with woman is always there. You cannot indulge in unholy connection with the opposite sex because the social conditions have changed. Because unholy connection with woman is the beginning of all immorality. There are thousands and one examples in the history of mankind as to how a great man fell down simply by illegitimate connection with woman. The highest principle of moral code begins therefore with the codes of avoiding illicit connection with woman." - A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami, "Standard Morality," BTG 1958