We live in an increasingly impersonal society. To talk to a friend we often use a telephone or email them. To get knowledge we often read a book rather than ask a live person. To relax we watch TV rather than visit our neighbors or family or even to watch a live performance. To get our work done we employ machines at the cost of someone suffering unemployment. Today, the garbage man, service station employee and even the cashier or library checkout, to name a few, has been replaced by a machine. Rather than sing and make our own music or watch a live performance, more often people turn on a radio or listen to a CD or videos.
Along with this distance between human beings, we see an increase in materialism and a disposable consciousness developing. People want things quick and when something is no longer useful or pleasing to their senses, they give it up. Take for example divorce and abortion. The tendency is that as soon as a relationship becomes difficult, just cut it off, disconnect and put a distance from the other person. Permanently. In fact, interactions with other persons can become so troublesome for some people, that the impersonalist paths involving annihilation of personhood and relationships (which is what gives meaning to personhood) are becoming attractive.
Yet, once upon a time, most activities involved personal contact with others. And for a devotee of Krishna, the realization arrives that all of life is based upon relationships, all of which revolve around the topmost relationship with the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Lord Sri Krishna. Relationships may be troublesome, yes, even in the spiritual world they may appear to be so at times, but in relation to Krishna that trouble becomes a source of transcendental bliss.
What's more, we have a great opportunity in this human form of life to learn about relationships via getting married. What great lessons are in store. that can be carried over into other relationships, such as in the workplace or temple. In other words, by successfully living with the opposite sex for many years, one discovers an ability to get along with just about anybody!
Because when the going gets tough, as it must in any relationship, no matter who it involves, instead of giving up on people, we discover that fidelity in marriage (along with the challenge of raising children) increases our patience and tolerance and acceptance of others. We can learn the ways and means to interact with others via learning the ways and means of tactfully handling marital discord.
That said, the following are a few examples of what may be encountered in a husband and wife relationship. Especially in Kali yuga there are many challenges. Let's take a look at some suggestions for handling them, brought to us by those who had such encounters in real life and discovered that Krishna supplies good intelligence how to deal:
PRACTICING CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
Consider this scenario: Perhaps a husband has some notion that milk is unhealthy and therefore orders his wife that she not serve milk at family meals any longer; they will pursue a vegan diet- his children included. Again, Krishna can supply His ever-dependent devotee intelligence how to react to such an order. She may stumble across a passage, for example, in her child's history book about civil disobedience, spoken by Matin Luther King Jr.: “One who breaks an unjust law must do so openly, lovingly, and with a willingness to accept the penalty."
With this idea in mind and knowing that according to Prabhupada opinion, milk is a necessary item in a child's diet, she may choose to serve the milk out anyway, at least to the children, prepared for whatever reaction it may produce (Prior to this, however, it is most important that the relationship with her husband is not suffering. That will only complicate things. Her husband must be convinced that she acts always with his best interest in mind).
Martin Luther continues, "An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.”
SHEDDING THE SUPERIORITY COMPLEX
Question: What should we do when we see that some superior Vaisnava needs correction?
Gour Govinda Swami: We should not try to correct anyone who is superior to us. We must act in such a way that Chaitanya Mahaprabhu will give us the intelligence what to do:
tesam satata-yuktanam bhajatam priti-purvakam dadami buddhi-yogam tam yena mam upayanti te
"To those who are constantly devoted to serving Me with love, I give the understanding by which they can come to Me." (Bg 10.10)
Krishna says, "I'll give you the intelligence." So, if you are a true follower of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, He will give you intelligence. You will be able to act in such a way that the Vaisnava becomes automatically corrected.
You won't need to correct him directly. You should not have this thought in your mind, "Let me correct him." No, no, no, no, no, no! We are not qualified to correct them. Our attitude should be, "trnad api su-nicena taror iva sahisnuna - I am the lowest of the low. (Gour Govinda Swami, original source unknown)
MAKING AN APPEAL
We need to discern what it is we can live with and what it is we can't, and if something in the latter category is troubling us greatly, we may ask Krishna how to go about handling it. This may include speaking to our spouse, and that's when good communication skills become an art worth learning along with depending upon Krsna for the intelligence how to manage one's husband in a respectful way. It's not that we must become a non-entity who has no voice.
For one thing, a suitable time and place when he’s not in a hurry or distracted, but in a normal frame of mind aids success. This isn't an exercise to get one's frustrations out either; there should be forethought. And as far as what one should say, most important is how to say it. A really good rule to follow is "Don't attack if you wish to communicate."
There are good examples for study also, such as the tactful appeal made by the wife of Sudama brahmana. She pointed out how exalted he was to have the husband of the goddess of fortune, Lord Krsna, as his friend and so on. This is significant because she was suffering from extreme poverty. And she addressed her husband out of a genuine concern for his welfare rather than her own. And she was prepared to address any objection her husband may have had regarding her proposal.
Queen Draupadi's technique is a worthy study also. How plainly she spoke! A devotee surrendered to Krishna, however noble, is simple at heart and can therefore speak the facts without duplicity.
After your points have been made, there may be no immediate response, but it's good knowing that you did your part; you gave your spouse something to think about. Now its time to step back and give him time to digest it. Often he will just one day turn around and speak and behave as if the change was made entirely on his own, with no reference to your input.
In other cases, however, he may just have to learn from his mistakes. In other words, the wife's job is to give important input, not to control the final outcome. "One should try his best to execute his duties, but if the attempt fails, he is not at fault." (KB 1) We benefit from all this the most by learning to stop trying to be the controller and to depend on Krishna's causeless mercy.
There is one more important thing to observe: If you become a good listener whenever your husband is speaking to you, by paying attention to what he is saying and making eye contact, the more inclined he'll be when it's your turn to be heard.
BEING SPIRITUALLY SINGLE
In many ways a couple may be unequally yoked- their may be big differences in mentality, upbringing, sense of morality, temperament, and so on. Yet, perhaps hardest of all, is when one may be intensely interested in self- realization and the other is either spiritually complacent or a non believer all together.
Prabhupada wrote, "The word narädhama means "nondevotee."... Anyone who is a devotee is sinless. One who is not a devotee, however, is the most fallen and condemned. It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four principles of sinful activity—namely illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication.
Specifically, if one is not a soul surrendered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband. It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is narädhama, the lowest of men. Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband."
Just watch a few violent movies with bad guys to get an understanding of what a naradhama is. But often this word is misunderstood. It refers to nondevotee men who are not interested in self improvement or self realization. They are only interested in sense gratification and treat the wife and other as such. This is far different from a devotee who may sometimes fall from the standards, but continues to pick himself back up.
REJECTING SPIRITUAL AUTHORITY
Now, what if a woman is having much difficulty with her husband and then one of her spiritual authorities suggests that she get a divorce? Perhaps because so many people complain that "it's just too difficult to follow a husband...because it is now Kali yuga".
First of all, we need to know Krishna's opinion and the opinion of the acaryas to understand where our duty lies. Over and over they say that for women, our duty lies in remaining faithful to our husbands. So, if the wife has carefully studied Srila Prabhupada's books beforehand, under the guidance of self realized souls, she can detect that this instruction of her spiritual authority- even though it is coming from a well meaning devotee- is a deviation and may therefore be rejected. Srimad Bhagavatam supports this - as in the case of Bali Maharaja- that there are times when someone in a position of authority may be overruled.
Besides that, such an instruction is not very sound. It does not take into consideration how, without a husband, a woman may be forced to take shelter of non devotees or she risks losing touch with her dependent children while she is forced to make her own living. Accepting such advice for her, therefore, would be like jumping from a frying pan into the fire. So instead, the woman continues her relationship with her husband as her primary duty. And over time she discovers that that all relationships have their ups and downs. Or that a woman's steady devotion to her husband can bring about many favorable changes in his behavior with her.
GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE
Some marital problem may warrant physical separation, short term or long term, but that does not mean divorce: "If her husband is fallen, it is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and thus indulge in prostitution. If a chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband who is fallen, she should live separately from him. Similarly, a husband can separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description of the sästra." SB 7.11.28p
Prabhupada uses the word "recommended". Some persons are so spiritually strong they are able to lift up their fallen spouses by their enthusiasm and compassion, but most of all their humility, their faithfulness. These persons can remember Krishna in any situation by sincere spiritual cultivation. If a husband is having spiritual difficulty, such a wife will think how she must not be inspiring him rather than waiting for things to be the other way around. She'll be more concerned with continuously working on her own faults rather than his. She is more interested in building tolerance and a loving spirit rather than demanding rights.
"When King Rahügana chastised the exalted devotee Jada Bharata with harsh words, that peaceful, saintly person tolerated it all and replied properly. Nescience is due to the bodily conception, and Jada Bharata was not affected by this false conception. Out of his natural humility, he never considered himself a great devotee, and he agreed to suffer the results of his past karma. Like an ordinary man, he thought that by carrying the palanquin, he was destroying the reactions of his past misdeeds." -SB 5.10.13
Furthermore, "The Nectar of Devotion" describes how a devotee who was unable to serve Krishna as elaborately as he desired, was able to do so simply by thinking about it. So our present situation may not be favorable, but that doesn't mean it will be like that always. Once begun, devotional service is guaranteed to grow because that is the nature of spirit. Ever increasing.
"A person who tries to understand Krishna with full knowledge and devotion by following in the footsteps of previous äcäryas conversant with scientific knowledge of the Supreme Lord is praiseworthy. Such a devotee can understand that all conditions of life, favorable and unfavorable, are created by the supreme will of the Lord. And when he has fully surrendered unto the lotus feet of the Supreme Lord, he does not care whether his condition of life is favorable or unfavorable. A devotee takes even an unfavorable condition to be the special favor of the Personality of Godhead. Actually, there are no unfavorable conditions for a devotee. Knowing that everything is coming by the will of the Lord, he sees every condition as favorable, and in any condition of life he is simply enthusiastic to discharge his devotional service." KB 87
And certainly it is possible for one to be spiritually single, but remain married for life. Srila Prabhupada's sister, Pisima is one extraordinary example of this. In Krishna book also, the wives of the brahmanas represent people subordinate to those with underdeveloped faith. And if one is married to a struggling devotee, Rupa Goswami said that it's better to be with a fallen devotee than a perfect nondevotee. Because a devotee is rare, the best of living beings (SB 3.29.28.34)
GAINING AN INKLING OF WHAT "LOVE IN SEPARATION" MEANS
Yet, separation also has its purpose; it can be very helpful if it is possible to do so and necessary. It is said that "separation makes the heart grow fonder". A fallen person has a chance to come to his or her senses and feel impetus to improve in order to revive the relationship with a chaste and faithful spouse. Therefore divorce and remarriage should never be encouraged.
Prabhupäda: So you have agreed that there is no question of divorce in your life? In any circumstances you cannot separate. Is that all right? You also agree? You cannot separate. There is no question of divorce. Even if you fight, you can remain in one temple, he can remain, but there is no question of divorce. So take in mind. That's all. - wedding, 4/6/72, Melbourne
In ordinary times also, some separation is a very healthy part of a relationship. Being apart makes one so much appreciate every little thing one's spouse does. Plus everybody needs time outs, whether physically or due to personal hobbies or interests; we must experience plenty of time for ourselves, time for introspection and for keeping our individual sense of self instead of constant companionship. Kahil Gibran wisely said this blessing: "May there be spaces in your togetherness."
So there may be separation, but there is also loyalty. Loyalty is ... so healing for this loveless world. Loyalty is respected by everyone. Karna was famous for his loyalty to Duryodhana, even when discovering his true identity and claim to a throne and having to face a losing battle. Even though sided with the enemies of the Pandavas, the extraordinary loyalty displayed is naturally respected.
THE POWER OF FIDELITY
Strength comes from fidelity which awakens love, even for a fallen person. Fallen does not mean one must become fallen as well.
"The woman who serves her husband faithfully takes him also to heaven along with her even though he may be a drunkard, or Brahmana-killer and laden with all sorts of sins." -Padma Purana
Whether together or separated, in good times or bad, empowerment comes from commitment and chastity to the husband, not from independence.
Abandoning the husband by divorcing him, therefore, is not an indication of strength, but rather it is a cop out. Prabhupada confirmed this when he commented, "Generally, separation between husband and wife is due to womanly behavior; divorce takes place due to womanly weakness. The best course for a woman is to abide by the orders of her husband. That makes family life very peaceful. Sometimes there may be misunderstandings between husband and wife, as found even in such an elevated family
relationship as that of Sati and Lord Shiva, but a wife should not leave her husband's protection because of such a misunderstanding. If she does so, it is understood to be due to her womanly weakness."---SB 4.4.3P
If we wish to progress spiritually, our occupational duties must never be given up prematurely: "Krishna consciousness helps one to get out of the material entanglement, even though one may be engaged in his prescribed duties in terms of material existence. Therefore, without being fully in Krishna consciousness, one should not give up his occupational duties. No one should suddenly give up his prescribed duties and become a so-called yogi or transcendentalist artificially. It is better to be situated in one's position and to try to attain Krishna consciousness under superior training. Thus one may be freed from the clutches of Krishna's mäyä."
This please the Lord greatly. This is Krishna's program, and faithfulness to it is faithfulness to Krishna.