Once upon a time, a friend explained to me a useful teaching. She said that if a spiritual master gives an order and the disciple does not immediately move from the spot to execute it, it is better that he take birth as an immovable banyan tree. I decided to apply this to the husband wife relationship as well. Thus a new sutra was formed- "Don't be... a banyan tree". It keeps me alert for the proper execution of my husband's daily requests. Here are some things that I try to observe in this regard:
PROMPT SERVICE
Number one is to come quickly whenever prabhu calls. Not that I wait around for him to come and find me. That isn't how we should treat anyone in the position of authority, according to Vaisnava etiquette. Instead I should drop whatever I am doing, and after his request is given, try to carry it out asap. That means being interruptible, available, and always prepared (That's every good girl scout's motto right? "Be prepared.").
A couple examples may be:
Typing from dictation a business letter he needs mailed that afternoon.
Bringing a tool he might need while fixing a light switch.
Helping him find the verse he needs for his next Srimad Bhagavatam class..
LONG TERM REQUESTS
Some requests require long term memory more than others. So not to forget these, I like to make a little list for a quick review now. It may include something like:
Warning him whenever his milk is very hot!
Keeping the front entry way to the house clutter free.
Making sure sons bring in the garbage can immediately after the sanitation men empty it.
Restocking the kitchen before he cooks his regular offering.
PERSONAL PREFERENCES:
Also I like to take note of his personal preferences. Do you know which foods your husband dislikes, his favorite dessert, the clothing he dislikes, favorite colors...?
Some examples are:
Serving fruit the way he likes it -freshly cut and at room temperature, never cold.
Removing all traces of "eyes" from slices of pineapple.
Serving licorice and ginger tea only.
Never serving him raw tomatoes.
SPECIAL REQUESTS
Beyond that I try to keep an open ear for any special requests and make a note of these, too. These statements uttered by him often begin with an "I wish" or "Wouldn't it be nice if...". Some of these can be executed- if possible - and often make great gifts.
THINKING AHEAD
This category is about the unspoken requests. They require thinking ahead on the part of the wife. For example: I notice the chances are great he'll forget his camera before his pilgrimage, so I pack it for him.
On a hot afternoon, I know he likes a quick nap after work, so I turn on the AC in his room shortly before he gets home.
Of course, there have been many days in my life, especially when my hands were ever busy caring for children or other necessary obligations and I had no extended family for help, that husband seemed to be at the bottom of any list. But all the above still remained waiting for execution whenever the opportunity presented itself again.
THE PERSONALIST PATH
I used to wonder how senior devotees or devotees in the position of an authority who are supposed to have no attachment to the material world could have so many requests!
First of all, we are all individuals with different tastes. Individuality is important for any relationship. Variety is the spice of life, right?
But most importantly, by the grace of the spiritual master, a conclusion may be made that it's all because we are learning to become personal, to become persons. Thus it is their mercy to put up with this material world in order to engage their dependents in many, many varieties of service, sometimes in very personal ways, just to awaken the service spirit.
And because we are persons, service doesn't mean always roses and light. There are difficulties in every relationship -no matter who it is. One devotee talked about how stern her guru was with her husband and herself when he was displeased with their service. The interesting thing is that when she described these things to me, both she and her husband were very joyful about it. They looked back at it laughingly; they really loved him.
Their spiritual master was super fussy about his diet, too. When I heard all these things I felt relief, because earlier I thought I was missing out on something by not directly serving my initiating guru. But now I see Krishna had arranged my life so that I was getting the same sauce by serving a husband who was also careful about diet, execution of duties, etc..
Servants of His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada have also told many stories about how heavy our beloved founder acarya could be with his various disciples, as needed. Apparently, it's not fun when one is being chastised, but from a spiritual perspective it means you are intimate with the person correcting you rather than neglected and left with your imperfections. Advaita Acarya, for example, was scheming ways to bring this about in his relationship with Lord Chaitanya. Santana Goswami, too, became unhappy when Lord Chaitanya chastised Jagadananda Pandit rather than him. Srila Prabhuada says about this humble service mood: "Disciple should be always ready to be chastised. He should not think that he has become perfect. That is perfection. So long he thinks that he is not perfect-he's to be chastised-then he's perfect. And as soon as he thinks that he has become perfect, he's nonsense immediately, nonsense number one."
MOTHER IS THE FIRST GURU
Mothers should also both accept service from their children and correct them for the children's well being as well as set a personal example for them. From early on, a child watches and imbibes from his mother's example her respect for and her willingness to serve and take instruction from authority figures such as her husband, mother-in-law, guru and Krishna.
SERVING OTHERS
Whether its supplying milk for the stopover pilgrim, bringing water for the subji walla at the front door, humbly complying with a devotee's chastisement or helping some live ants out of a sugar package, this whole mood of Krishna conscious service is ever increasing. Thus it extends beyond the limits of one's service to husband and family until it includes all living beings. And wherever there is love, others naturally want to reciprocate the same.
There's lots of etiquette to learn, too (a whole other subject), which pleases Lord Caitanya very much
FOR MORE ON THE SERVICE MOOD you may wish to read also:
The Heart of a Servant
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