A wedding is an exciting, joyful event in any person's life. Yet, in the middle of it all we must take a serious vow, foreboding what is to come and hinting at the importance of commitment in marriage.
"You have observed, when we get young couples married, we get it promised: the husband promises that 'I take charge of your life. Your whole life shall be dependent upon me. I take full charge of you.' And the woman agrees, 'Yes, I also agree to serve you the whole life.' This is marriage." -CC Adi 7.108 lecture, 2/18/6, SF
THE VALUE OF VOWS
In great difficulty many person will gladly take some kind of an intoxicant, but because a devotee takes a vow to the spiritual master, "No intoxication", it is out of the question. What is the result, however, of following that vow? One is forced to face the problem head on. But then comes a realization, "It seemed impossible, but I got through it... I can do this!" Yet nowadays, people don't take their vows very seriously and thus these benefits remain relatively unknown to them.
Keeping a vow belongs to the one essential quality that Kali had not completely broken- truthfulness. Bhismadeva set an important example of this when he was asked to renounce his vow of perpetual celibacy more than once- by Satyavati, Amba and even his own guru- but he said to Satyavati, “Mother, please do not ask me to stray from the path of truth. It can never be as you suggest. The sun may renounce its splendor, water its wetness and the sky its sound, but Bhisma will never renounce truth.” If he had given in to pressure, what example would he have set? Would his name be remembered today as an enduring inspiration? Bhisma realized that breaking a vow means to become a liar, and once a liar- even once (!) - nobody can have faith in that person ever again.
There are many other examples, such as Queen Kunti, whose words could never prove false, but the point is, we have to consider what a vow is and why it must be taken seriously. And more importantly, who we make the vow to. Prabhupada remarked to two of his disciples at their marriage, "Mind that this promise has been made before Rädhä and Krishna. You cannot change all these promises." --wedding, 5/6/69, Boston
Translation: "Divorce is not an option."
“In our society, we get the husband to promise that he takes charge of the girl for life. And the girl agrees to serve the boy for life. There is no question of divorce. So the father hands over the charge to a nice boy. Never mind he is rich or no. That doesn’t matter. He must be a responsible boy, who knows his responsibility. Not that 'Today I marry, and tomorrow I go away. That’s all.' Not like that.” SB1.8.51 lecture
“Grhastha means he (or she) stays in the grhastha life... So many times we see someone’s married for some time then they come up and they say 'Oh! it’s amazing it’s true what’s in the Bhagavatam all these things. It’s miserable, it’s horrible, it’s full of different difficulties'... You didn’t believe it, now you believe it, so then you...want to take sannyas after three months married. No, because you won’t stay a sannyasi ...You’re not fit for that." -HH Bhaktivikasa Swami
ACCEPTING A LIFE PARTNER
Taking the marriage vow, therefore, is more than an empty ritual. It is making a declaration of acceptance for the spouse given by Krishna in this lifetime, whomever they may be, in happiness or distress...at all times.
Prabhupada: What is this nonsense, divorce? There is no such thing in the Vedic civilization, divorce. You must accept whatever God has given you as husband or wife, you must. They had no thinking even, idea of divorce. One may not agree with the husband. That is natural. Sometimes we do not agree. But there is no question of divorce.-Room conversation, 7/7/76, Baltimore
For a woman, especially, chastity is the first and foremost religious principle she is meant to live by. There are many important reasons for it, too:
FOR THE CHILDREN'S SAKE
Prabhupada often quotes Canakya Pandita that, "If the wife or mother accepts another husband in the presence of her husband or son, then, according to Vedic civilization, she is considered an enemy."
This is why, "Women with child, strictly she cannot marry again." -Letter, 9//75, Vrindaban. Also, "I wish that the mother's who have no husband at present should not remarry, but should dedicate their time to seeing that their children are brought up very nicely in Krishna Consciousness. " -letter, 6/14/69, New Vrndavana
For one thing, divorce means the mother and the mother's new boyfriend will often be too busy in their new found relationship to always know where junior is. It may be, therefore, that he is on the street experimenting with his first drug. Bhagavad gita warns: "An increase of unwanted population certainly causes hellish life both for the family and for those who destroy the family tradition."
Furthermore, the boy is the representative of the father, someone the mother and her new lover usually prefer to forget, and unless the man is a saint, he'll naturally feel more affection for his own sons and generally favor them over the son of the wife's previous husband. Thus a very subtle struggle in regard to fairness will go on.
But worst of all is when divorce subconsciously says to the child, "Mom got rid of Dad...If you cause her any trouble then...you're next" The child may even test to see if this is so. That further explains the drug experimentation- "Dad wasn't good enough. If I do this, will she still love me?"
Chastity, on the other hand, gives children the security and proper care they need. More importantly, it teaches them something about love and spiritual vision, seeing the whole person, not just his faults. Perhaps the latter is something we all can learn from children themselves, who are relatively free from the disposable, materialistic consciousness that divorce entails. Because of uncontrollable lust, one will find fault with her husband to justify such an action, but a child can only love him.
Yet, children need their fathers. Just the tone of a man's voice produces a greater effect than a softhearted woman's. He is better able to control the son and protect the daughter. Even a weak father is better than no father, or else how will a child ever know what he was truly like and therefore judge for himself? Furthermore, Prabhupada commented that for sons, it is the mother's character that is most important: "So if the mother is good, naturally the son is good. That is Vedic calculation." 7/13/75, Philadelphia
In these ways we can see that a happy childhood greatly depends upon chaste womanhood (Bg 1.40), so that children can have their fathers.
FOR THE HUSBAND'S SAKE
Krishna book chapter 20 says: "During the rainy season, lightning appears in one group of clouds and then immediately in another group of clouds. This phenomenon is compared to a lusty woman who does not fix her mind on one man. A cloud is compared to a qualified person because it pours rain and gives sustenance to many people; a man who is qualified similarly gives sustenance to many living creatures, such as family members or many workers in business. Unfortunately, his whole life can be disturbed by a wife who divorces him; when the husband is disturbed, the whole family is ruined, the children are dispersed or the business is closed, and everything is effected. It is therefore recommended that a woman desiring to advance in Kṛṣṇa consciousness peacefully live with a husband and that the couple not separate under any condition. The husband and wife should control sex indulgence and concentrate their minds on Kṛṣṇa consciousness so their life may be successful. After all, in the material world a man requires a woman, and a woman requires a man. When they are combined, they should live peacefully in Kṛṣṇa consciousness and should not be restless like the lightning, flashing from one group of clouds to another. "
This is interesting because the saying in the western world is:“If Momma ain’t happy, nobody is happy”. But here in this excerpt it basically says just the opposite - if the husband or father isn't happy... This is interesting because the saying in the western world is:“If Momma ain’t happy, nobody is happy”. But here in this excerpt it basically says just the opposite - if the husband or father isn't happy...
"The sex demand is inevitable for everyone, but one who has a fixed wife is saved from the onslaught of the sense enemies. A man who possesses a good wife does not create a disturbance in society by corrupting virgin girls. Without a fixed wife, a man becomes a debauchee of the first order and is a nuisance in society—unless he is a trained brahmacäri, vänaprastha or sannyäsi. Unless there is rigid and systematic training of the brahmacäri by the expert spiritual master, and unless the student is obedient, it is sure that the so-called brahmacäri will fall prey to the attack of sex. There are so many instances of falldown, even for great yogis like Visvämitra. A grhastha is saved, however, because of his faithful wife. " --SB 3.14.20
He'll be very glad to have a faithful wife who stands by him through thick and thin. That is the power of chastity.
A solid, loving relationship based upon shared goals, mutual respect, good communication, and the husband and wife working as a team while also allowing a reasonable amount of freedom for individual expression and desires, usually takes years to develop. It certainly doesn't happen over night. Before a relationship reaches any level of maturity, therefore, one should not expect great sacrifices from one’s spouse. It takes years to develop real love and trust, and to really get to know someone.
It's like cooking burfi. As you prepare it over and over again, the milk begins to reveal its characteristics. You are able, for example, to leave it on high flame for longer lengths of time without having to hover over it and stir constantly, and it won't burn. It gets easier to deal with. These are the rewards of commitment, and the same can be applied to marriage. A genuine relationship of trust, understanding, sympathy and love takes time to develop, solidify and sweeten. Yes, if done for Krishna, the relationship can actually get better rather than dwindle, as in a mundane relationship. Nowadays, so many relationships are cut short before they are able to produce any fruits. Patience and steadfastness, therefore, represent Krishna among the feminine virtues (Bg 10.34).
FOR THE WIFE'S SAKE
Prabhupada writes of the many benefits of remaining a faithful wife:
"By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power." --SB 9.10.27 purport
"Krishna explained the duty of a woman. He also stressed the point of serving the husband: 'Even if he is not of very good character, or even if he is not very rich or fortunate, or even if he is old or invalid on account of continued diseases, whatever her husband’s condition, a woman should not divorce her husband if she actually desires to be elevated to the higher planetary systems after leaving this body." KB 29
"Because a son delivers his father from punishment in the hell called put, the son is called putra. According to this principle, when there is a disagreement between the father and mother, it is the father, not the mother, who is delivered by the son. But if the wife is faithful and firmly adherent to her husband, when the father is delivered the mother is also delivered. Consequently, there is no such thing as divorce in the Vedic literature. A wife is always trained to be chaste and faithful to her husband, for this helps her achieve deliverance from any abominable material condition...Consequently, husband and wife should not separate under any condition, for if they have a child whom they raise to be a Vaisnava, he can save both the father and mother from the custody of Yamaräja and punishment in hellish life." -SB 9.20.22 purport
On the contrary, there are grave warnings as well:
"For a woman from a respectable family, petty adulterous affairs are always condemned. They bar her from heaven, ruin her reputation and bring her difficulty and fear." SB 10.29.26
"It is considered abominable in society if a woman is unfaithful and goes searching for another man. Such habits will deter a woman from being elevated to the heavenly planets, and the results of such habits are very degrading. A married woman should not search for a paramour, for this is not sanctioned by the Vedic principles of life.” KB 29
FOR SOCIETY'S SAKE
Of course, most people may have already made some serious mistakes, so that is where the mercy of Lord Caitanya comes in, but after receiving the Lord's mercy, the same mistakes should be avoided because divorce and remarriage are terrible sins that affect an entire society.
First of all, remarriage is included in the category of adultery. If a woman is motivated to divorce her husband, for example, in order to marry or seek out another man (thinking there may be another who is nicer towards her, more generous, pleases her senses, etc.) what is the difference?
"The most sinful activity for a wife is to accept another husband or another lover... A chaste and faithful woman must not practice adultery—that is a greatly sinful act." SB 3.23.3
Also regarding a man associating with a man's former wife: "An enemy, who sets fire in the house, administers poison for eating, attacks all of a sudden with sharpened weapons, and plunders away wealth or usurps agricultural fields and entices one's wife is called an aggressor." -SB 1.7.16p
A man's relationship with another man's wife or former wife (since a vow is not to be taken lightly) is like that between mother and son. "If one indulges in illicit sexual relations with another man's wife, that activity is considered identical with having sex with one's mother. This act is most sinful. The same principle holds for a woman also; if she enjoys sex with a man other than her husband, the act is tantamount to having sexual relations with her father or son. Illicit sex life is always forbidden, and any man or woman who indulges in it is punished." -SB 5.16.20p
The main problem is when persons who divorce are not free from lusty desires. As long as that's true, its guaranteed they'll have to try their luck with another partner or some other means of unlawful satisfaction. The real source of their trouble remains unaddressed.
This in turn affects others. When remarriage occurs, virgin women are put into difficulty; there is already a shortage of eligible men. And this is a reason widows are also discouraged from remarrying:
Prabhupada: Tapasya means voluntary restraint. In India, still, the system is followed in conservative families that a widow cannot marry. There is no widow marriage in India.There is no widow marriage in India. They, the… Manu-samhita, the law-givers, the saintly persons, Manu-samhita… Why widow marriage is prohibited? The idea is generally, everywhere, in all countries, the female population is greater than the male population. So the idea is that she has become widow. She was once married. Now if again she is married, another virgin girl, she does not get the chance of being married. Therefore there is no widow marriage according to Hindu scripture. -SB 5.5.1-2 lecture, 9/13/69, London
Many couples might even reconcile after their divorce, given some time to think things over, but because of remarriage, the relationship may never be resumed nor matured, much to the unhappiness of any children involved.
Most importantly, remarriage affects entire families. Nowadays a person may have more than one step-father or mother. Also there are step-siblings, step-cousins, step-aunts and step-uncles and so on from more than a couple of marriages. And its not uncommon that in these relationships, they may become sexually attracted to one another or abusive.
"It is quite clear that according to Vedic culture a woman who accepts a paramour or second husband in the presence of the husband she has married is certainly responsible for the degradation of her father's family and the family of her husband. The rules of Vedic culture in this regard are strictly observed in the respectable families...only the südras are degraded in this matter." -SB 9.3.21p
THE RIPPLE EFFECT
Worse is the bad example that is set for everyone else: "Householders they have so much responsibility; they have the responsibility to lead an ideal life...otherwise they corrupt the whole society just like we see within our ISKCON society it’s almost accepted that divorce is OK, didn’t work out, all right try again. This is irresponsibility. Then everyone else thinks all right it’s OK. Everyone else is doing it; I shall do it. Now this social development conference is going on, but there is no social development as long as this divorce business is going on... there’s no question...of our movement, as Prabhupada said, taking over the world. Who wants to join a society where there’s no stability? That we’re talking high high big big talk but then we can’t even live normal human life. Then people they’ll think very nice books; I like the philosophy in your books but has no meaning if we can’t live according to it.”(--HH Bhaktivikasa Swami)
Studies have shown that divorce may be considered "contagious".
So if all the above does not bring about a concern for others, perhaps the desire of Srila Prabhupada will: "Sometimes I heard Prabhupada was so frustrated. One householder he told if you can't do anything else, just stay together. That's your service to guru. If we can't show human society the basic morality then how we're going to show them higher consciousness? In Vrndavana sometimes they want to talk about very elevated topics, but the basic things we are not even up to the mark." --Jayapataka Swami
Without stable marriages to protect women and children, an increase in other horrors such as teen pornography or a slave trade for prostitutes is seen. What's more, women without their husbands to help take care of the children or without grown children to care about them as they grow older, often become burdens on the government and others.
The Lord's varnasrama program, on the other hand, is all protective. It simply requires a cooperative effort and knowledge of what our duties are within this program. Thankfully, a growing number of women devotees are willing to cooperate and participate for the sake of society as a whole.
December 24, 2001
My dear (name withheld),
Please accept my greetings and the blessings of Srila Prabhupada. Please offer my humble obeisances to your dear husband (name withheld) and give my warmest greetings to all of your children. Thank you for your letter of December 5, 2001.
Perhaps the reason why I am so attracted to your family is because your marriage is such a strong one. My parents were divorced and I suffered greatly. Therefore I am so much supportive of keeping marriages intact. So I very much appreciate the "dharma-patni" internet group that you participate in. Stable marriages are the foundation and strength of our movement.
With this letter I send my prayers on behalf of your family for a
wonderful New Year.
servant of the Servant,
Tamal Krishna Goswami
AN ACTIVITY TO DO:
1. Unless one knows her actual wedding vows, here is a form to print out. Fill names in along with the date, place and other memorable information:
”Will you accept... as your life’s companion, serving him always, and help him to execute his Krsna conscious activities?”
“Yes, I accept... as my husband throughout my life. There shall never be any separation between us, either in happiness or distress. I shall serve him always and we shall live together peacefully in Krsna consciousness.”
Or whatever version one prefers
2. This can be made as simple or fancy as one likes. It may also be decorated with a wedding photos for example or other artwork and inspiring quotes. Here's a couple:
"Some pray to marry the man they love,
My prayer will somewhat vary:
I humbly pray to Heaven above
That I may love the man I marry."
-Rose Pastor Stokes
3. This can be kept in a special place to read as needed, both in happiness and distress.