When a husband is having a hard time, his wife can make it her service to Krishna to tolerate. Looking on the bright side, this is an opportunity to further develop in tolerance and humility. Canakya Pandita said: "You can test a wife in difficulty." Here's some advice gathered over the years to help pass a test:
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
This technique alone can help any black storm to pass more quickly. First of all, realizing that the problem belongs to the other party greatly helps. Then all that remains is the choice whether to fall into the same nasty mood or not. Secondly, nasty or unpleasant means unhappy. Trying to be sympathetic while keeping silent until the anger is defused is therefore a loving thing to do.
"A Vaisnava is personally tolerant for the benefit of others." - SB 4.6.48
LENDING A SYMPATHETIC EAR
If a husband is not super angry but just really grumbling, a good wife can lend an ear without interrupting him, denying his feelings, philosophizing or brushing off his problems, ridiculing him, belittling him, offering him immediate advice, questioning him, defending the other party, pitying him, psychoanalyzing him or just plain trying to fix things. Instead, try listening to what he is saying while, at the same time, trying to understand the feelings behind his words and acknowledging those feelings with empathy.
Empathy doesn't mean having to agree with another's point of view, either. Empathy means trying to see through another person's eyes in order to understand how they are feeling. And the more this is done, the more likely the other person will return the favor.
THE NEED TO UNWIND
It is helpful to realize the need for loved ones to unwind and let down while they are at home. We all try to be our best with strangers and home just seems to be the only place we don't have to be perfect anymore. We should feel safe there. Of course, this is not an excuse for us to be unreasonable, selfish slobs, either. It's just that knowing this helps us deal with one another's less than perfect side.
MAKING OUR RELATIONSHIPS A TOP PRIORITY
When a wife is frazzled by other activities, it tends to make relationships at home much more difficult. "Simplify, simplify, simplify"is advised in order to avoid being spread out too thin by self created duties and to help be our best- eager to serve, readily, willingly and lovingly.
SUFFICIENT REST
Good intelligence demands getting enough rest and taking good care of ourselves physically and spiritually in order to be in the position to better care about others.
" Sleep is also necessary to keep the intelligence in working order. If there is no sleep, the brain cannot work nicely. In Bhagavad-gītā it is especially mentioned that persons who regulate eating, sleeping and other necessities of the body in the proper proportion become very successful in the yoga process."- SB 3.26.30 purport
THE LOVE CUSHION
BEING SQUEEZED
When an orange is squeezed, sweet juice comes out. What comes out when we get squeezed? It helps to remember that input affects output. By filling the heart with Krishna consciousness, chances are we'll react more favorably whenever we're under pressure.
TIME OUT
For those times when we don't feel very tolerant, taking a time out is recommended. That means getting a change of scenery or having a special spot to return to to cool down. Try pinpointing the source of anger by asking yourself questions like, "Why am I upset? What is troubling me? What can I do about it?". A time out helps things to calm down between both parties before trying to talk about a problem.
FORGIVENESS
One of the most powerful cures for anger is forgiveness. This is the teaching of Bhismadeva pointed out in the SB 1.9.27 purport. Srila Prabhupada writes, "One must learn to forgive". One must learn to see the real situation beyond the temporary bodily existence and thus be able to forgive others as well as ourselves.
RETURNING GOOD FOR EVIL
Maintaining sweet words or a soothing tone of voice and manner lets people know we want to work things out, and can cool the anger of others. Humility on our part results from the spiritual vision that everyone is Krishna’s servant. One also realizes that, "The problem is not really between me and them but me and Krishna. Krishna is allowing this to happen to me for a good reason." And, conversely, between the other part and the Lord. In other words, don't take it personally.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
This technique alone can help any black storm to pass more quickly. First of all, realizing that the problem belongs to the other party greatly helps. Then all that remains is the choice whether to fall into the same nasty mood or not. Secondly, nasty or unpleasant means unhappy. Trying to be sympathetic while keeping silent until the anger is defused is therefore a loving thing to do.
"A Vaisnava is personally tolerant for the benefit of others." - SB 4.6.48
LENDING A SYMPATHETIC EAR
If a husband is not super angry but just really grumbling, a good wife can lend an ear without interrupting him, denying his feelings, philosophizing or brushing off his problems, ridiculing him, belittling him, offering him immediate advice, questioning him, defending the other party, pitying him, psychoanalyzing him or just plain trying to fix things. Instead, try listening to what he is saying while, at the same time, trying to understand the feelings behind his words and acknowledging those feelings with empathy.
Empathy doesn't mean having to agree with another's point of view, either. Empathy means trying to see through another person's eyes in order to understand how they are feeling. And the more this is done, the more likely the other person will return the favor.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
THE NEED TO UNWIND
It is helpful to realize the need for loved ones to unwind and let down while they are at home. We all try to be our best with strangers and home just seems to be the only place we don't have to be perfect anymore. We should feel safe there. Of course, this is not an excuse for us to be unreasonable, selfish slobs, either. It's just that knowing this helps us deal with one another's less than perfect side.
MAKING OUR RELATIONSHIPS A TOP PRIORITY
When a wife is frazzled by other activities, it tends to make relationships at home much more difficult. "Simplify, simplify, simplify"is advised in order to avoid being spread out too thin by self created duties and to help be our best- eager to serve, readily, willingly and lovingly.
SUFFICIENT REST
Good intelligence demands getting enough rest and taking good care of ourselves physically and spiritually in order to be in the position to better care about others.
" Sleep is also necessary to keep the intelligence in working order. If there is no sleep, the brain cannot work nicely. In Bhagavad-gītā it is especially mentioned that persons who regulate eating, sleeping and other necessities of the body in the proper proportion become very successful in the yoga process."- SB 3.26.30 purport
THE LOVE CUSHION
Building a love cushion in a relationship means going out of our way when opportunities arise, as much as possible, to show our love. This is when the little things really count. So when things get rough later on, we and our loved one have some "cushioning" to ease the "bumps". So relish those loving moments to help weather inevitable arguments to come.
BEING SQUEEZED
When an orange is squeezed, sweet juice comes out. What comes out when we get squeezed? It helps to remember that input affects output. By filling the heart with Krishna consciousness, chances are we'll react more favorably whenever we're under pressure.
TIME OUT
For those times when we don't feel very tolerant, taking a time out is recommended. That means getting a change of scenery or having a special spot to return to to cool down. Try pinpointing the source of anger by asking yourself questions like, "Why am I upset? What is troubling me? What can I do about it?". A time out helps things to calm down between both parties before trying to talk about a problem.
FORGIVENESS
One of the most powerful cures for anger is forgiveness. This is the teaching of Bhismadeva pointed out in the SB 1.9.27 purport. Srila Prabhupada writes, "One must learn to forgive". One must learn to see the real situation beyond the temporary bodily existence and thus be able to forgive others as well as ourselves.
RETURNING GOOD FOR EVIL
Maintaining sweet words or a soothing tone of voice and manner lets people know we want to work things out, and can cool the anger of others. Humility on our part results from the spiritual vision that everyone is Krishna’s servant. One also realizes that, "The problem is not really between me and them but me and Krishna. Krishna is allowing this to happen to me for a good reason." And, conversely, between the other part and the Lord. In other words, don't take it personally.
But, somehow making amends if we were in the wrong is also important.
RECOGNIZING ANGER TRIGGERS:
By regular hearing from sastra we can understand more about our own anger and its sources.
MATERIAL DESIRE
One may be physically present, but the mind is out there... wanting something. By allowing ourselves to daydream or otherwise contemplate the objects of the senses, after a while we realize our real life is not up to par with the dreams, and that's when frustration, faultfinding, etc sets in.
“The more we think of sense enjoyment, the more the mind becomes dissatisfied.” -Bg 17.16p
Thus it is necessary to understand the law of progression given in Bg 2.62-63. Attachment follows contemplation and then lust develops and from lust, anger arises. Knowing this law and keeping the mind always contemplating Krishna's service instead, especially by chanting His holy name is the way out of this material entanglement.
ATTACHMENT TO THE RESULTS OF ACTIVITIES
Things don't always go the way we planned even in Krishna's service. Anger is averted when we stop trying to be the supreme controller, by accepting Krishna's will and trusting Krishna for good intelligence how to handle any difficulty. Again, this is accomplished over time by the training in transcendence given in Bhagavad gita As It Is.
"You have a right to perform your prescribed duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action. Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities, and never be attached to not doing your duty."-Bg 2.47
"My devotee who is not dependent on the ordinary course of activities, who is pure, expert, without cares, free from all pains, and not striving for some result, is very dear to Me."-- Bg 12.16
"That action which is regulated and which is performed without attachment, without love or hatred, and without desire for fruitive results is said to be in the mode of goodness."-Bg 18.23
ILLUSION AND PRIDE
Pride in one's achievements, including austerities and spiritual practices stems from false ego, the original source for our contemplating in the mood of an enjoyer, rather than Krishna's service, and which once again progresses into anger when frustration results. In other words, the law of progression begins with an identification with the material body as being the self, with separate interests from the Lord's interests. We are forgetting that everything we have is borrowed plumes only and that the Lord's mercy is all we're made of, protecting us from being swallowed by the sea of the mighty material energy. Nip this concept in the bud via bhakti yoga and then anger becomes manageable.
Spiritual anger, anger in relation to Krishna's service, would be a whole other topic.
GOOD QUOTES:
"Anger is one letter short of danger."
TOLERANCE
"Akrodha means to check anger. Even if there is provocation one should be tolerant, for once one becomes angry his whole body becomes polluted. Anger is a product of the mode of passion and lust, so one who is transcendentally situated should check himself from anger." Bg 16.1-3 p.
"A devotee engaged in chanting the holy name of the Lord should practice forbearance like that of a tree. Even if rebuked or chastised he should not say anything to others to retaliate. For even if one cuts a tree, it never protests, nor even if it is drying up and dying does it ask anyone for water." CCAdi 17.27
"There were some waves of dissatisfaction in the mind of Jada Bharata due to his being insulted by King Rahugana...but Jada Bharata neglected this, and his heart again became calm and quiet like an ocean." SB 5.13.24
TIME OUT
“If someone insults you, leave the place silently”- Vaisnava Etiquette Handbook by Bhakti Caru Swami
SPIRITUAL ANGER
"The difference between the anger of an ordinary person and that of a liberated person is that an ordinary person becomes angry because his sense desires are not being fulfilled, whereas a liberated person like the Kumäras becomes angry when restricted in the discharge of duties for serving the Supreme Personality of Godhead." SB 3.15.31 purport
DETACHMENT FROM MATTER
“By becoming detached from material activities, we will be freed from fear and anger.” Bg4
ATTACHMENT FOR KRISHNA
"We cannot control the force of our anger. Therefore when we look at material things, we cannot avoid feeling attraction or repulsion for them. But the Supreme Lord is never affected in this way. Although He glances over the material world for the purpose of creating, maintaining and destroying it, He is not affected, even to the slightest degree. Therefore, one who desires to conquer the force of the senses must take shelter of the lotus feet of the Lord. Then he will be victorious." SB 5.17.19