In Kali yuga, fighting and quarrel is a fact of life. Early on, Maharaja Yudhistira noticed "All ordinary transactions and dealings became polluted with cheating, even between friends. And in familial affairs, there was always misunderstanding between fathers, mothers and sons, between well-wishers, and between brothers. Even between husband and wife there was always strain and quarrel." SB 1.14.4 In the western world, when husband and wife fight, however, very quickly there may immediately be the suggestion and support for divorce.
In Vedic culture, on the other hand, this fight between husband and wife is considered normal and therefore not a big deal. Prabhupada quoted Canakya Pandita in this regard: "Bambhärambhe laghu-kriyä. Aja-yuddhe, fighting between two goats... Now, they are very serious about fighting, and somebody comes, (claps) does like this, (claps), and they go away. The fighting stops. You see? So bambhärambhe, the attempt is very great, but the effect is little...
"So, of course, in India the quarrel between husband and wife, nobody cares. Nobody takes very seriously. The husband may complain, the wife may complain. Everyone says, 'Yes, yes. That's all right. It will be all right.' They never go to court for divorce. You see? But it is... There is no seriousness. And actually it is fact. I have seen a serious. They are divorced, but still, the husband is anxious for the wife, and the wife is anxious for the husband. The divorce is artificial. The husband and wife, the combination, that cannot be cut off. So one should tolerate these things. If there is some misunderstanding, they should not go to the court for divorce. They should tolerate. These are some of the rules for spiritual advancement." Bg 6.32-40 lecture, 9/14/66, NY
"There was no question of divorce. There was no question of divorce, even they do not like each other, even they fight. Fight there must be, whenever there are two men or women. That is individuality. Therefore Canakya Pandita says... Whenever there is fight between husband and wife, it should be neglected. The formula of Cänakya Pandita is given like this: Aja-yuddhe. When the goats are fighting, as it is very insignificant... If you understand that in the door two goats are fighting, you don't care for it. You see, a goat fight....In the morning if there is thundering sound in the cloud, you should know it will not rain. It will never rain. That thundering may be very loud, but there will be no rain. That means you can neglect. As you can neglect the fight between two goats...as you do not take very seriously the thundering sound of the cloud in the morning, similarly, dämpatye kälahe caiva, similarly, whenever there is fight between husband and wife, you should take like that. Don't take it seriously." -SB 12.2.1 lecture,3/18/68, SF
Of course, with the degradation of the people, such as taking intoxication or keeping bad association, fights can get out of hand, but we are talking about devotees here only, those who are on the path of progressive life.
Prabhupada also advised a disciple: "We should learn to forget and forgive minor incidents because whenever there are two men in a place, there is always some misunderstanding. Such misunderstanding happens even between husband and wife—what to speak of others. But we have to adjust things on the basis of Krishna Consciousness." --letter, 1/11/68, LA
Also: "Another difficulty is that in modern civilization everyone is independent spirited. The girls are no longer very much humble and submissive to their husbands. So you must be prepared to tolerate such whims of your future wife. According to our Vedic civilization, disagreements between husband and wife is not taken very seriously. But the modern age allows divorce even, either by the husband or by the wife. These things are not good. But after marrying, certainly there will be some disagreement or misunderstanding between husband and wife." --letter, 11/26/69, London
In my experience, too, no matter how disturbing at the time the fight may be, it can be forgotten and the other person can be forgiven. It makes me appreciate the saying:
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
That's because, with a little patience, no matter how distant a couple may feel at times, feelings of affection can return. That's how the material energy works- happiness and distress come and go (Bg 2.14), and faithfulness is the path towards understanding what real love is all about. Love doesn't quit.
"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
( 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
WHERE LAKSMI LIVES
In closing, Srila Prabhupada describes how a husband and wife may work together for a simple, prosperous, peaceful life:
" So in the morning, the husband and wife would go to take bath in the Ganges. They would very nicely take bath, and while coming they will purchase some ingredients and then come home. The husband will perform püjä, etc., and the wife will prepare many nice preparations-badä, pakora... this, that. Then he'll take his meals, rest awhile, and in the evening he will sit down...about four or five o'clock. All the preparations his wife had made whole day, and the small shop. And the university students will come up to night, ten o'clock, he'll finish. Nothing will remain. Everything will be... And he'll make at least ten rupees profit, minimum. In those days, 1925, in those days ten rupees means nowadays at least fifty rupees. So, and living very happy. Living humbly as a brähmana, he was having his püjä, going to the Ganges, taking bath, husband and wife, in the morning, and the wife's business is to prepare and his business was to sell. So they'll make at least ten, fifteen rupees profit daily, very prosperous. Living peacefully, husband and wife. There are many such families...
"If wife is very good, then his home is very nice. They cannot be unhappy at any circumstances.... Cänakya Pandita (said): When there is full agreement between husband and wife, cooperation, then the goddess of fortune comes there without application. You haven't got to ask goddess of fortune, "Please come and help me." She'll come automatically. This is Canakya Pandita's instruction....
"There are so many things in India culture for becoming happy and advancing towards the goal of life. Now I am appreciating for more and more, seeing the whole world, what is India's culture. Formerly I was thinking, 'It is custom. To become faithful wife, this is custom.' But when I come outside I see what is wife and what is faithful wife. In India, still, in the village, even there is fight between husband, wife, the wife is faithful. Still. Completely dependent on husband. The husband also, in spite of fighting, is always careful that the wife does not get any inconvenience. It was the culture, now it is breaking...In material world, for peaceful life, there must be peaceful condition between the husband and wife. Everyone requires wife, everyone requires husband. Sex is necessary, so make the condition of sex very peaceful... It is necessary. As eating is necessary, sleeping is necessary, for ordinary man, so sex is also necessary. So make a condition so that nothing will be disturbed, and in undisturbed condition of mind execute spiritual advancement. This is Indian civilization. Aim is spiritual advancement."--8/2/76 New Mayapur farm, France
(photo courtesy of freeimage4u.com)