Regulated Living

Krishna says in Gita 3.41: “Therefore, O Arjuna, best of the Bhäratas, in the very beginning curb this great symbol of sin [lust] by regulating the senses, and slay this destroyer of knowledge and self-realization.” This verse has often come to mind when I am having difficulty. One reason is because I am usually acting whimsically rather than following my schedule. Like anyone else, I can't help sometimes getting off track, but since I am aware of the many benefits of staying regulated, I try to get back on course as soon as possible.

First of all, regulating the senses elevates us from the bodily dictations. When we do things according to plan, especially when we don't feel like it, we are acting according to our higher intelligence, letting the senses know who's boss. Thus, we become more and more free from the grip of bodily consciousness.

It is an interesting experience, for example, to have the urge to say something at an angry moment, but by putting it off in order to get one's regular activities done first, may change into a far better reaction.

Furthermore, when the senses are regulated, it is easier to remember to do things; it is easier to concentrate and feel the determination to do them, and they get done in much less time than when one is stuck on the mental platform. Otherwise, when there is no plan for the day, one immediately feels spaced out and unmotivated. Stress begins to mount, compounding the problem and, for the inexperienced, making it is harder to become motivated once again.

Besides that, regulated living promotes good health. For one thing, if there is any bodily disturbance it is easier to trace the cause by looking for any recent irregularity in regards to eating, sleeping and so on. It also gives a healthy balance or moderation in daily activities. Otherwise, with the exception of Krishna consciousness, too much of anything is not good. Too much study, for example, wearies the body. Too much eating creates a need for excess sleep.

Here's help for getting regulated:

RISING EARLY
We've heard from the spiritual master dozens of times to rise early and chant Hare Krishna. It's one of the most important things we can do each day for both spiritual and material reasons. First of all, early morning really makes a big difference for spiritual practices. There is less going on and the association with the mode of goodness is prominent. Second, there are health benefits. For example, giving the stomach more time to get hungry and thus creating a better appetite and digestion when breakfast time rolls around. There is time to drink more water, too. Third, rising early helps for avoiding sexual agitation or drowsiness from sleeping too long, as well as ghostly association. And by learning to get up early on a regular basis, one discovers more energy in the morning to get things done.

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Some tips for early rising:
A good morning program begins the night before. An evening routine, such as getting one's chores done, having a evening spiritual program and getting to bed at a decent hour, all help make the following morning much easier to deal with. It enables us to wake up feeling good and therefore better able to chant and continue with our duties. Also Bhagavad gita 6.16 cautions, "There is no possibility of one's becoming a yogi, O Arjuna, if one eats too much or eats too little, sleeps too much or does not sleep enough." Often we are concerned as devotees not to waste time sleeping too much, but we should be just as concerned not to sleep too little. Sufficient sleep makes a huge difference .

To get to bed on time, it helps to be aware of Maya’s distractions throughout the day that waste time and potentially disrupt one's evening routine such as TV watching, overeating, thoughtless talk, laziness, and daydreaming. All these anarthas may take much time to overcome, but when they begin to disappear from a devotee's life, it is a fascinating discovery that one can be very happy without them and have enough time to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Often we don't want to go to sleep because we have projects going on. It helps to think how quickly time passes while sleeping that actually we will be able to get back to our projects very shortly.

It’s a good idea also to eat a light or early dinner, so that we’ll want an earlier breakfast, earlier lunch and thus get to bed early each day. Breakfast and dinner should be sufficient, therefore, so that an evening meal can be light. Otherwise, eating heavily before retiring may increase a need for sleep or promotes a lot of dreaming which may make sleep not as deep as it can be.

Another thing to watch out for is oversleeping. It seems that the more we sleep the sleepier we can get, thus making it difficult to rise early. Better to get out of bed right away. Remembering and offering obeisances to one's guru along with chanting prayers and the Hare Krishna mantra as one awakens and or playing transcendental recordings helps to do this. Some leave their alarm clock at a distance, so that they have to get out of bed to shut it off.  Also putting on any lights, and contacting water by rinsing the face and mouth. Also taking a bath as cool as possible. A cool bath is a devotee's morning coffee.

Next comes the morning program. This is so important because the Lord’s association, by attending a Krishna conscious morning program, further frees one from all traces of fatigue and prepares us for a day of remembering Krishna.

“The desert of material existence has exhausted me. But today I will cast aside all troubles by diving into the lake of Lord Hari and drinking freely of the abundant waters of His splendor. The lotuses in that lake are His hands and feet, and the fish are His brilliant shining eyes. That lake's water relieves all fatigue and is agitated by the waves His arms create. Its current flows deep beyond fathoming." - Mukunda mala stotra, sutra 8

Waking time should be kept strictly regular, even on weekends, holidays and difficult days. If extra tired, it's important to resist "sleeping in" (unless it's very minimal like 1/2-1 hr). It is better to resolve to go to sleep earlier or take short naps during the day instead.  Short naps (10-30 min) are very helpful. After a while one discovers it is possible to sufficiently rest the body without having to fall asleep. This kind of napping simply allows the body to regain energy. Plus, by the bhakti process, gradually we will get used to tolerating fatigue, just like we tolerate hunger pangs while fasting, knowing that they will pass. In the meantime, however, it is best not to shorten sleep artificially. One should sleep as much as they need to, but no more. Some bodily types need more than others.
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So we need to decide. Either we can get up late and feel tired all day and get little done and feel awake in the evening and unable to go to sleep at the proper time, or we can get up early and get a head start and feel awake during the day and tired as night approaches. It is a matter of training the body. Either we suffer physically by getting up early, or we suffer mentally, being disturbed all day by a late start.

Even successful karmis rise early for money. As devotees we may not feel like getting up for these things, but we get up for Krishna. For devotees, it's not just a job, either, the morning program is a favorite form of recreation which gives eternal, as well as material benefits.

SCHEDULE SUGGESTIONS
As mentioned before, it's good to have a morning and evening routine and regulated meals. At least meals, rising and rest should be very regular, acting as the backbone of any schedule. The activities between these times may be much more flexible or variable.

Ideally, early morning is the best for devotion, morning is good for more intense activities such as academic study or physical labor, the afternoon is good for less physical, more sedentary activities or recreation, allowing one to gradually unwind as evening approaches, and the evening should, once again, be reserved for devotion. Regulated recreation means setting a time limit so not to get carried away, thus neglecting other duties.

It helps to do everything as scheduled each day even if an activity must be cut short. For example, on a busy day one may need to shorten an exercise routine. Five minutes of reading the sastras is better than not reading. Or one may take darshan only a few minutes. But those few minutes are better than none.

When you mess up or there are interruptions, just get back on track as soon as possible. It's nice also to have a plan B, a more relaxed schedule to follow for sick days or days when one simply needs to do a lot less.

GOOD HABITS
Good habits are a result of regulated living, and every moment is a chance to reinforce a good habit or a bad one. Along with routines, good habits make a day go a lot smoother. Some examples of good habits would be:

Fixing one's bed immediately after rising.
Putting on tilak after every bath.
Taking darshan at least once a day.
Cleaning while cooking.
Washing mouths, dishes, eating place, pots and entire kitchen without delay after each meal.
Folding and putting laundry away as soon as its taken down.
Picking up and putting a thing back in its proper place after using it
Turning off lights not in use.

It is better to have developed good habits early in life, but for someone with a late start, it is not impossible to improve, since attraction for Lord is so powerful. In the meantime, the order of the spiritual master should give sufficient  impetus to become disciplined.

As for other training courses and support for developing good routines and habits, signing up at FlyLady.net (see link on the right) is suggested (although the website has changed greatly over the years, looking rather..."cluttered").

MORE HELPFUL QUOTES:
“Anyone who wants to make progress in spiritual life, he must be sadäcära. His behavior must be very regulated." --rm conversation, 12/12/70, Indore

DON’T BE KUMBHAKARNA
“Anyone who sleeps more than six or seven hours, he is a Kumbhakarna. Kumbhakarna as the brother of Ravana. He was sleeping six months, and six months he was awake. That means anyone who sleeps half the, out of twenty-four hours, anyone, if he sleeps twelve hours, he’s a Kumbhakarna. So at least I think that one should not sleep more than seven hours utmost. That is sufficient, sufficient, seven hours. So you can sleep six hours at night and one hour to rest in daytime. That is sufficient. But if you sleep more than that, then you are Kumbhakarna. You should adjust things.”--SB 6.3.18 lecture, 2/11/71, Gorakhpur

DON’T BE ARTIFICIAL
Prabhupada: “No, you can sleep till you are refreshed. Somebody’s refreshed by sleeping four hours. Somebody is refreshed by sleeping ten hours.” -morning walk, 3/23/68, SF

“We don't say that "Don't sleep." No, you sleep, but must rise early in the morning for mangala-ärati." -morning walk, 5/30/74, Rome

MORNING BEST FOR SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES
"Spiritual activities performed early in the morning have a greater effect than in any other part of the day.”---SB 3.20.46 purport

THE SPIRITUAL TEST
“One who cannot rise early in the morning, he is not spiritually serious. That is test. Brahma-muhürta, this hour, one hour before sunrise, is very auspicious moment.”- rm conversation, 12/13/70, Indore

RISING EARLY TIPS
“ In the morning, in the early morning hours (known as brähma-muhürta) one should get up and immediately chant the Hare Krsna mantra, or at least 'Krsna, Krsna, Krsna.' In this way, one should remember Krsna. Some slokas or prayers should also be chanted. By chanting, one immediately becomes auspicious and transcendental to them infection of material qualities.”--Madhya 24.331

TOUCHING WATER TO RELIEVE FATIGUE
“I (Narada Muni) felt tired, both bodily and mentally, and I was both thirsty and hungry. So I took a bath in a rive lake and also drank water. By contacting water, I got relief from my exhaustion.” SB 1.6.14

PRABHUPADA'S SUGGESTION
Prabhupäda: People still, in India, those who are rich men, they have got their family temple Deities. One temple is there in Kanpur. The family members, they are very rich. The rule is that if the family members do not come in the temple to offer obeisances to the Deity, they'll be fined... So if somebody misses to go in the temple one day, the priest presents the bill: "Sir, you have been fined five rupees." (Laughter) So they pay. Yes. So we should also enforce that rule. Anyone who is not attending mangala-ärati should be fined. (laughter) And the fine should be that he must sell one Krishna book. (laughter) Is that all right? --SB 2.3.25 lecture, 6/1/72, LA

Ginger Candy

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup of ginger slices, 1/8 " thick.
1 cup water.
1 cup sugar.
sugar for candy coating

DIRECTIONS
1. Boil the sugar and water together about 5 min until the sugar is dissolved.
2. Add the ginger and simmer over medium-low heat about 30 min, until the ginger is translucent and tender.
3. Lift the ginger out of the syrup with a slotted spoon to drain (a colander is good) and cool.
4. Roll the ginger slices in sugar to coat.
These may be stored in an airtight container at room temp for up to a month.

Use the extra ginger syrup to flavor tea, soda water, hot milk or serve with pancakes.

Baby Business Part 1

Of all of Krishna’s earthly gifts there’s nothing sweeter than a baby, a baby with whom you can rediscover all that is wondrous and joyous in life. With every child you can live each day as if it were your first. A child is someone you can grow up with and tell stories to and sing to and tell about Lord Krishna to...In these ways children are treasures. They are the flowers of the world. Life without them would be very dull. And raising nice children for Krishna's service is an important way to satisfy Him.

Srila Prabhupada described his own mother who gave him affectionate care, chanted prayers and mantras for his protection, fed and groomed him, scolded dutifully, and how she “never stopped her duties.”

The Supreme Lord also has mothers whom appear in His childhood pastimes to set wonderful, inspiring, unprecedented examples of maternal love.

PREPARING FOR CHILDREN AND PREGNANCY
First of all, it helps to have good consciousness at the time of conception. The Bhagavatam gives a lot of advice in this regard such as having a home to care for the child, a peaceful life and a settled mind.

"The Vedic literatures are not only full of spiritual instruction but are also instructive in how to prosecute material existence very nicely...Everything needed is mentioned in the scriptures—what sort of house and decorations there should be, what sort of dress the wife should have, how she should be decorated with ointments, scents and other attractive features, etc. With these requisites fulfilled, the husband will be attracted by her beauty, and a favorable mental situation will be created. The mental situation at the time of sex life may then be transferred into the womb of the wife, and good children can come out of that pregnancy...She (Devahuti) wanted him (Kardama) to instruct her in that way, and she also requested that he arrange for a suitable house because the hermitage in which Kardama Muni was living was very simple and completely in the mode of goodness, and there was less possibility of passion's being aroused in his heart....(Also) because she had become skinny, she feared that her body might have no attraction for Kardama. She wanted to be instructed how to improve her bodily condition in order to attract her husband."--SB 3.23.11p

Also many devotees plan for and pray for a child that they can help go back to Godhead, but in my case at least, it's a better idea to pray for children who can deliver us all back to Godhead.

PREGNANCY
Pregnancy is a special time because along with the building of the new baby's body comes a rejuvenation of the mother's entire system, and that's probably what Canakya Pandita meant when he wrote that a lack of sex ages a woman. It's a good time to pamper and take care of yourself, too. Here are some suggestions:

• Try to get some sort of light exercise everyday, especially walking is a good idea. Also check the library for a book about yoga for pregnant women.
• Find a reliable midwife and see what herbs she recommends for an easier labor.
• Avoid protein in the urine by drinking lots of water, which is very important for digesting protein.
• Keep iron levels up by eating plenty of green, leafy vegetables and iron rich foods. Personally, I never had to take any supplements, since my diet was excellent. This impressed my midwife very much when she'd check my iron levels.
• Avoid overly spicy, pungent foods. Srimad Bhagavatam (3.31.7) describes the disturbance this can cause for the child while in the womb.
• Practice relaxation and breathing exercises. Ask your midwife about these.
• Keep always in good spirits. Be careful what you look at, read, whom you associate with, and what you think about. A mother’s mentality affects the child both during conception and while in the womb. Ever wonder why a woman's purity is so much stressed in Vedic culture? Well, there you go. There's a whole science given that physiologists should look into.For example, it's best not to work yourself up in a state of fear or excitement by watching frightening movies and such. This will create more anxiety in a child's makeup. More specifically, a soul is attracted with that sort of passion and ignorance karma, and if you want to attract a child in the mode of goodness or pure goodness, then activities in goodness must be cultivated. 
• Therefore, keep yourself as pure and peaceful as far as possible.
• Read aloud to your baby in the womb Krishna book and so on. This is beneficial for both you and the child, hearing the Lord's pastimes. 

CHILDBIRTH

• Bring along your favorite kirtana tapes and other forms of support.
• Labor can be endured by looking forward to meeting your child and the child's release from imprisonment in the womb. Release for the child from the womb and the relief felt by the mother, makes for a joyful day of celebration indeed!

BREASTFEEDING

• Feeding a child breast milk is best for the child. Numerous studies support this.
• Basically nurse on demand and use the breast that feels the fullest. “The importance about making sure that babies nurse long enough to get the hind milk. Let baby nurse on one side until he comes off. Then burp or change him.. If baby still seems hungry, you can offer the other side and let baby have what he wants. Then start on that second side for the next feeding. By nursing mostly on one side per feeding, the baby gets all the calories he needs in less volume of milk. When the mother’ body adjusts to this way of feeding, she only makes milk to replace what the baby takes. So she is more comfortable and less likely to leak. Her baby may be less colicky and often gain weight at a better rate. He is less likely to fight the breast since he is no longer nursing the “fire hydrant” And he may go longer between feedings if he is having a “meal” that includes both the “appetizer” (foremilk) and “dessert” (hindmilk)”--LaLeche League
• Sore nipple? Change the holding position and thereby how the baby latches on. Try the football hold, for example, until the sore spot heals. Also rub pure lanolin on it in between times, but make sure it is removed when baby feeds once again.
• If baby bites while nursing, gently push her head against the breast until she stops biting.
• Drink plenty of water during lactation. Herbal tea is also nice.
• Also pregnant and nursing mothers must take plenty of milk or milk products.
• Continue to take good care of your health, get plenty of rest and be sure to eat properly since your baby depends on it.
• When mother and or baby are sick, mother's milk contains antibodies passed on to protect and help baby recover sooner. The mother may also take some bitter herb at that time to aid the recovery process.
• Do not be quick to wean a baby. Better is to let baby wean himself.
• New mothers (or their relatives) may complain when a breastfed baby fusses, saying that he is “always hungry” (implying that there's not enough breastmilk to satisfy the child). Yet, babies often just want to suck, so the fussing is more about wanting the closeness and comfort of the mother rather than nourishment. Sometimes in the early months especially, a mother may therefore feel like a human pacifier, but it is a temporary phase as children grow up very quickly and begin to take other foods and a mother learns other methods for soothing her fussy baby.
• This is probably the most important thing for successful, full time sufficient milk production- a mother needs to keep herself relatively stress free and not too busy for this very important service (which is so temporary, that soon you'll be wishing for that closeness with the child once again.)
• Many mothers choose to continue as long as possible, up to the age of five. By then breastfeeding is just a quick snack and comforting for the child, but they never forget. Prabhupada says that then a woman's breasts appear motherly to them, making it easier to respect women as mother instead of sex objects.

MORE REASONS TO BREAST FEED

• It costs nothing- no bottles, no formulas...
• It is convenient, especially during the night, and it is always ready to go when traveling.
• Breastfeeding burns up calories which helps one regain her pre-pregnancy figure quickly. You can also eat all you like without having to diet (That is, if you are normally not overweight) .
• It delays the return of your menstrual period.
• It reduces the chance of ovarian and breast cancer
• Breastfeeding is relaxing and provides warmth, intimacy and bonding between mother and child.

"Breastfeeding- your chance to gaze at, stroke, smell and touch your baby, ten-or-so times a day."

LIQUID LOVE

In Vedic culture especially, children are a source of great joy, and so much affection is lavished on the child. Vedic signs of affection include the smelling of the child's head. Another is milk leaking from the mother's breast simply by thinking of her child. In this connection, breastfeeding nourishes children not just physically, but the motherly affection involved feeds the child's heart. I have read from the Ayurveda that drinking the mother's milk gives the child not only strength, but also courage and confidence. It is so satisfying for both mother and child that you'll want to continue for as long as possible, and when the child is grown, you'll look back at those breastfeeding days as some of the most significant in your lifetime.

Contra Contraception

From the moment of their untimely conception, Kasyapa and Diti knew that their children would be born as enemies of the Lord and the peace of all living beings, but they were willing to accept the consequences. Although they had good reason to, they didn’t try to avoid their responsibility by artificial means.

Today many people are not interested in the responsibility of sex. Yet, although they may argue that sex is natural and should not be restricted, a thoughtful person realizes that so also is the conception and birth of children the natural outcome. Trying to stop birth and the responsibilities that go along with it, rather, that is unnatural.

Today's rampant contraceptive use has become the backbone of illicit sex, adultery, feminism, divorce and the risk of unwanted pregnancies, thus sapping the human energy which is ultimately meant for spiritual inquiry and self realization. One cannot avoid responsibility, a.k.a. "karma". Instead one becomes more and more involved in sinful reactions. And the children born from such persons absorbed in the mode of passion and ignorance are considered to be either a source of extended sense gratification or a great burden, neither of which is a healthy consciousness to project upon a child.

KILLING CHILDREN IS UNCIVILIZED
Historically, child sacrifices are regarded with horror, yet today, children are regularly murdered within their mother's wombs. Such is the mode of ignorance and barbarism. Prabhupada wrote in a Bhagavatam purport:

"In Vedic civilization, childbirth or pregnancy is never regarded as a burden; rather, it is a cause for jubilation. In contrast, people in modern civilization do not like pregnancy or childbirth, and when there is a child, they sometimes kill it. We can just consider how human society has fallen since the inauguration of Kali-yuga. Although people still claim to be civilized, at the present moment there is actually no human civilization, but only an assembly of two-legged animals." SB 10.7.4p

HEALTH RISKS
Furthermore, for a sensible person, to interfere with  the natural processes of a woman's body via contraceptive use such as "the pill", seems dangerous, even crazy. We don't often see the results of failed contraceptive use on the unborn child, perhaps because sex is big business, but I personally know a few people that wished they never had used any. One died of breast cancer. Another woman's child was born with a severe deformity and lifelong disabilities. I confidentially inquired whether she used any type of contraception when her son was conceived very early on. Her answer was affirmative. She was not planning to have a child. He was an accident and conceived while she was using such body altering drugs.

Prabhupäda: By violating the nature's law, disease is created.
Brahmänanda: Their whole idea is that they want to violate the law but not suffer for it. That is the whole basis of their research work.
Prabhupäda: But actually they suffer. Actually they suffer. Now, what is this research work? This is suffering, spending so much hard-earned money. So one of the cause of, I can say, one of the cause of cancer disease is this contraceptive method. You can make research on it. This is very dangerous stipulation, to use contraceptives. So they are, one side, discovering contraceptive medicine, contraceptive chemical; another side researching for cancer disease.-morning walk 5/4/73 LA

Being in tune with nature, on the other hand, has its benefits. Canakya Pandita noted that a lack of sexual contact ages a woman. Reproduction, therefore, is the way to good health for the female body, because it is created for it and with every child created, it goes through a process of complete rejevanation. This is evident by how youthful the mothers with many children often look.

Men, on the other hand are advised to retain their semen and utilize it only for procreation. That's because reproduction has the reverse effect on a man. Scripture states the many adverse effects on a man for losing semen unnecessarily. One scientist also expressed that for a man "reproduction is the beginning of death".

BASED ON THE BODILY CONCEPT OF LIFE
Feminism claims that the body belongs to the woman, therefore she has a right to sacrifice the child if she feels it to be a threat towards her personal sense gratification. But who's body is it really? Did we make our bodies? Do we have to wind up our hearts each morning to make sure they keeps working? Obviously there are higher powers of maintenance always going on, since one's body often seem to have a mind of its own. Yet the followers of the feminism do not want to believe that the body, and the child's body also, are the property of God. Once again Prabhupada points out this defect in a Bhagavad gita 16.18 purport:

"A demoniac person, being always against God's supremacy, does not like to believe in the scriptures. He is envious of both the scriptures and the existence of the Supreme Personality of Godhead.... He is actually envious of his own self, as well as of others. (Thus)he commits violence on other bodies and on his own. He does not care for the supreme control of the Personality of Godhead, because he has no knowledge. Being envious... he puts forward false arguments against the existence of God and denies the scriptural authority....He thinks himself independent and powerful in every action." Bg 16.18p

ACTING AGAINST THE LAWS OF GOD
The sinful act of contraception and abortion creates great inconvenience for those living entities barred from or evicted from the womb, prolonging their suffering condition in an attempt to attain another body.

"In sexual intercourse, if there is no soul, there is no conception, no pregnancy. Contraception deteriorates the womb so that it no longer is a good place for the soul. That is against the order of God. By the order of God, a soul is sent to a particular womb, but by this contraceptive he is denied that womb and has to be placed in another. That is disobedience to the Supreme. For example, take a man who is supposed to live in a particular apartment. If the situation there is so disturbed that he cannot enter the apartment, then he is put at a great disadvantage. That is illegal interference and is punishable." --letter 1/21/71, Allahabad

"There is a great fault by destroying dynasty. Nowadays people are destroying from the womb, abortion, contraception, destroying. They do not know." (Bg. 1.37-39 London, July 27, 1973)

TWO KINDS OF SASTRIC (SCRIPTURAL) CONTRACEPTION
RESPONSIBLE SEX LIFE:
The more one takes care and responsibility for spouse and children, especially in the matter of their spiritual lives, the more one will think twice about engaging in sex.

"So even if you have legal sex, the mother has to undergo the labor pains and the father has to take responsibility for raising the children nicely, give them education. Of course, one who is irresponsible like cats and dogs, that is another thing. But those who are actually gentlemen, for them it is not painful. Therefore they are avoiding children by contraceptive methods, because they know to raise children is a very difficult job. So sästra's injunction is simply to try to tolerate this itching sensation and you save so much pain. This is real psychology. That itching sensation can be tolerated if one practices this Krishna consciousness. Then you will not be very much attracted by this sex life."

"The sastric contraception means that 'If you cannot educate your sons how to stop repetition of birth, then don't become a father. Don't become a mother.' This is Sästric... 'Don't become a guru. Don't become so on, so on, well-wisher, if you cannot stop.'" SN 6.1 lecture, 7/25/75, LA

Unless one wishes to be the next prajapati, not using contraceptives helps  a thoughtful person  to restrain from sex life:
"If one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life. But one should strictly not use any contraceptive method and at the same time indulge in sex life. That is very much sinful. If the husband and wife can voluntarily restrain by powerful advancement of Krishna Consciousness. That is the best method. It is not necessary that because one has got wife, therefore you must have sex life. The whole scheme is to avoid sex life as far as possible. And if one can avoid it completely then it is a great victory for him. Married life is a sort of license for sex life on condition of raising children. So you should try to understand these principles of married life and use your discretion." letter, 9/20/68, SF

SEARCHING FOR THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH
Another effective means of godly contraception is to become too busy in searching out and establishing one's spiritual relationship with the Supreme, so much so that one forgets all about sex life.
“There is propaganda for family planning, but foolish men do not know that family planning is automatically executed as soon as there is search after the Absolute Truth. Seekers of the Absolute Truth are never allured by unnecessary engagements of sense gratification because the serious students seeking the Absolute Truth are always overwhelmed with the work of researching the Truth. In every sphere of life, therefore, the ultimate end must be seeking after the Absolute Truth, and that sort of engagement will make one happy because he will be less engaged in varieties of sense gratification.” SB 1.2.10p

“A person is a person, no matter how small.” --Dr. Seuss

Bitter Melon

Bitter melon or bitter gourds (aka karela) in some form or another is a very healthy addition to a meal. Here are three ways to prepare them.

Note: a heavy bottomed wok or frying pan for these preparations is very helpful.

SIMPLE BITTER MELON (pictured above)
INGREDIENTS:
3-4 bitter melons, tips removed, sliced into fourths lengthwise and then chopped
2-3 T ghee
salt, as desired

DIRECTIONS:

1. Heat the ghee on high heat and add the chopped bitter melons.
2. Sprinkle on salt 
3. Stir the bitter melon a couple minutes in the hot ghee to help it shrink, soften and brown.
4. Cover the frying pan and lower heat to allow the bittermelon to cook and gently brown and soften for about 30 minutes.
5. Offer freshly cooked to Krishna as a side dish

DEEP FRIED BITTER MELON 
INGREDIENTS
6 bitter melons, sliced into 1/4" rounds, seed intact.
ghee for deep frying.
salt as desired

DIRECTIONS:
This time the bitter melon pieces are deep fried in ghee in a wok.

1. Allow them to cook until a golden brown color. Some prefer them dark and crispy, less bitter, but I think that defeats there purpose; bitter tasting food is very healthful.
2. Drain and then add salt. Offer and serve warm.

STUFFED BITTER MELON

INGREDIENTS:
6 bitter melons, sliced lengthwise and seeded

THE FILLING:

1. about 8-12 T kneaded paneer, enough to fill the sliced and cooked bitter melon shells
2. 1 T ghee
3. a pinch of hing
4. 1/4 t of roasted and ground fennel powder
5. a pinch of roasted ground cumin powder
6. 1/2 t peeled and finely chopped fresh ginger root
7. a pinch of brown sugar or gur 
8. salt as desired

DIRECTIONS:

1. Deep fry the bitter melon shells until browned and cooked. Drain.
2. Chaunce the hing in a little ghee and add to paneer. Add and mix in all other filling ingredients together.
3. Stuff the bitter melon shells. Offer and serve warm.

VARIATIONS: the bitter melon shells also may be steamed rather than deep fried for increasing bitter flavor! Some say to soak them in salt water a while first.

Games People Play

A little about purusa and prakrti:

Jiva or the living entities (that's us), comprise the superior energy of the Lord, also known as superior prakrti (Bg 7.5) labeled alongside the Lord's inferior (unconscious) prakrti (material nature). Both these prakrtis, the superior prakrti, jiva, and the inferior prakrti, dull matter, are meant to serve the energetic or the purusa, the enjoyer, namely Lord Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Yet problems arise when, due to forgetfulness of our actual relationship with Him, the jivas want to become purusas, enjoyers, just like Krsna, thus imitating his position.

Prabhupada stated, "Here in this material world everyone is enjoyer....Not only the man thinks 'I shall enjoy the woman,' the woman thinks, 'I shall enjoy the man.' The spirit is now to become enjoyer, Therefore sometimes the living entity is described as purusa. Actually every living entity is prakrti. Prakrti means enjoyable. So everyone is to be enjoyable, by Krishna. But thinking, 'I am enjoyer.' That is mäyä." SB 6.1.47 lecture, Detroit, 6/13/76

So when everyone wants to be the enjoyer, playing games for exploiting one another for sense gratification, problems arise. There is fighting and competition.

THE ILLUSION
Actually, there can be only one enjoyer, Lord Krishna (Bg 9.24), the center and source of all existences, but He created the world in this way in order to fulfill the desires of the naughty living entities, giving them the facility to play God. This is comparable to when a child demands the moon, which is impossible to realistically obtain, but his intelligent mother hands him a mirror by which he may hold a reflection of the moon. "The Lord is the only enjoyer, and all others are enjoyed. The living beings are predominated enjoyers. But the eternally conditioned souls, forgetful of this constitutional position, have strong aspirations to enjoy. The chance to enjoy matter is given to the conditioned souls in the material world, and side by side they are given the chance to understand their real constitutional position. Those fortunate living entities who catch the truth and surrender unto the lotus feet of Väsudeva after many, many births in the material world join the eternally liberated souls and thus are allowed to enter into the kingdom of Godhead."-- SB 1.3.1p

Surrendering to the Lord involves following the design of the Lord. Thus the terms purusa and prakrti are sometimes used also to describe the relationship between man and woman. Devahuti inquired from Kapiladeva "as to the relationship between man and woman and between matter and spirit" (SB 3.25.11). In this regard, man is playing the part of purusa and woman is playing the subordinate part of prakrti. If this understanding is observed there may be harmony, otherwise not. Prabhupada gave the example when it is not:
"Every one of us, we are thinking as purusa, the enjoyer. That is the fight going on. Just like in Western countries the prakrtis--the woman--they are also fighting: 'We must have equal rights with the man.' So this is going on." SB 5.5.2 lecture, 4/13/75, Hyderabad

"We are not purusa. But we are trying to become purusa. Suppose a woman artificially wants to become man. That is very troublesome." -Bg 4.8 lecture, 3/28/74, Bombay

Lord Kapila instructed Devahuti to follow the imperishable path of bhakti yoga or devotional service, by which we can all come to sanity, understanding our actual position as subordinate to the Lord's will, as prakrti instead of purusa. Thus Prabhupada states, "The Krishna consciousness movement is so beneficial that it can very easily counteract the contamination of material nature, which results from one's possessing a material body. Bhagavad-gitä therefore teaches, in the very beginning, that whether one is a man or a woman, one must know that he or she is not the body but a spiritual soul...The soul is sometimes described as purusa because whether one is dressed as a man or a woman, one is inclined to enjoy this material world. One who has this spirit of enjoyment is described as purusa. Whether one is a man or a woman, he is not interested in serving others; everyone is interested in satisfying his or her own senses. Krishna consciousness, however, provides first-class training for a man or a woman. A man should be trained to be a first-class devotee of Lord Krishna, and a woman should be trained to be a very chaste follower of her husband. That will make the lives of both of them happy." --SB 6.18.42p

PLAYING THE PART
Thus in the game called material life, the man is externally given the position of purusa and woman plays the subordinate position of prakrti while internally both should be in the mood of service, subordinate to the order of the Supreme Purusa, Lord Krsna. In other words, we may be pure spirit soul, transcendental, but until we are fully convinced of that fact and steady in our determination, we need to play our roles assigned by Krishna by patiently executing our prescribed duties.

Furthermore, Bhagavad gita 3.10-12 describes the cooperation between man and demigods. When the demigods are pleased by performance of sacrifice, one obtains all necessities. Similarly, there must be a mood of cooperation between husband and wife. Wife performs various services to please her husband and the husband responds by supplying her all necessities of life- apartment, saris, ornaments, food, children, etc. A peaceful life thus ensues, favorable for the purpose of self-realization.

PATIENCE
Premature renunciation cannot help us. Lord Caitanya used Ragunatha dasa as an example when he advised him:

"“Be patient... Don’t be a crazy person. By and by you will be able to cross the ocean of material existence." -CC Madhya 16.237

And Srila Prabhupada further commented:
"Everyone is trying to get out of the ocean of material existence. One cannot immediately reach the coast, but if one endeavors, he can cross the ocean by Sri Caitanya Mahäprabhu’s mercy. One may be very eager to cross this ocean, but he cannot attain success by acting like a madman. He must swim over the ocean very patiently and intelligently under the instructions of Sri Caitanya Mahäprabhu or His representative. Then, one day, he will reach the shore and return home, back to Godhead." -CC Madhya 16.237p

Bhagavad gita 5.11 also states, "The yogis, abandoning attachment, act with body, mind, intelligence and even with the senses, only for the purpose of purification."

And Prabhupada quotes Rupa Goswami: "A person acting in Krishna consciousness (or, in other words, in the service of Krishna) with his body, mind, intelligence and words is a liberated person even within the material world, although he may be engaged in many so-called material activities." --Bg 5.11p

Gradually we come to full realization of this, then there is no longer duty (Bg 3.17-18) "One is no longer obliged to perform any prescribed duty save and except activities in Krishna consciousness." -Bg 3.18

The heart, once attracted to all attractive, all merciful Lord Krishna, plays a different game.

Weed Control

“According to their karma, all living entities are wandering throughout the entire universe. Some of them are being elevated to the upper planetary systems, and some are going down into the lower planetary systems. Out of many millions of wandering living entities, one who is very fortunate gets an opportunity to associate with a bona fide spiritual master by the grace of Krishna. By the mercy of both Krishna and the spiritual master, such a person receives the seed of the creeper of devotional service.” Madya 19.151

This bhakti seed or desire for devotional service planted in one's heart is guaranteed to grow, due to its ever-expanding spiritual nature, but like any other seed or plant, the conscientious devotee gardener must build a fence against offense. In other words, watch out for anything that can trample (offenses or aparadha) it, and weeds must be pulled  that can choke (maya's distractions or anarthas) or else inhibit its growth.

What to watch out for (by Bhaktivinoda Thakura):
1. Four Defects in the Heart
a. attachment to objects unrelated to Krishna
b. propensity to cheat and find faults
c. envy
d. desire for recognition

2. Four Offenses
a. nama aparada (ten offenses to the holy name)
b. seva aparadah (32 offenses to avoid in deity worship)
c. vaisnava aparadha (six offenses to avoid:
1. killing 2. envying 3. blaspheming 4. failing to offer respect 5. becoming angry at 6. not becoming joyful upon seeing a Vaisnava*)
d. jiva aparadha (offenses against any living entity including flies, mosquitoes, dogs, ants, etc.)

3. Thirst for Four Material Objects- (bhukti and mukti)
a. pleasurable sense objects
b. sense enjoyment in heaven
c. mystic powers
d. liberation

4. Four Illusions About Spiritual Wisdom
a. ignorance of one's own identity
b. ignorance about the position of the Supreme Personality of Godhead
c. ignorance about the process of sadhana (64 items mentioned in the NOD) and sandhya (the goal).
d. ignorance about things that are unfavorable to Krishna consciousness.

*"Our joy upon seeing a Vaisnava should extend to practitioners of other genuine spiritual processes, to devotees who have done or said something to cause us grief, and to devotees who have struggled with various types of material enticements." - Skanda Purana

A conversation between Markandeya Rsi and King Bhagiratha:
"Oh King, anybody who makes fun out of the devotee of the Supreme Personality to Godhead, his religiosity, wealth, fame and family members all reach ruination or are destroyed. Any person who kicks a Vaisnava, criticizes him, angers him, envies him, who is not pleased to see him or disrespects him, Mother Nature becomes very angry with him and is not happy with him. They are sent to the hellish planets. These six things are meant for his degradation." -Hari Bhakti Vilasa 10.310,312, from Skanda Purana

Skanda Purana lists six kinds of Vaisnava aparadhas (offenses):
(1) Killing or physically harming a devotee

(2) Criticizing or blaspheming a devotee for
(a) having a body born in a low family (listed in NOI)
(b) having a body with a bad complexion (listed in NOI)
(c) having a deformed body (listed in NOI)
(d) having a diseased or infirm body (listed in NOI)
(e) having traces of sins or imperfectness listed in previous sinful life(s)
(listed in Harinama Cintamani)
(f) having an accidental or momentary falldown
(listed in Harinama Cintamani)

(3) Being envious towards a devotee

(4) Not offering obeisances to a devotee

(5) Become angry towards a devotee

(6) Not becoming happy on seeing a devotee

Half the battle is distinguishing the weeds from the creeper. Then come the weeds that are more like trees, but that's where the help of Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu comes in. By His causeless mercy, even a blind man can cross mountains.

Portable Happiness

SB 3.30.9p states, "The Personality of Godhead Himself certifies the material world as an impermanent place that is full of miseries. There is no question of happiness in this material world, either individually or in terms of family, society or country. If something is going on in the name of happiness, that is also illusion. Here in this material world, happiness means successful counteraction to the effects of distress."

In other words, material happiness is relative. Suppose, for example, someone is drowning, struggling very hard, but suddenly he is able to come up for air- how much relief that person must feel. That's material happiness. Or after a long, hot day, one feels a cooling breeze, or a long lost friend sends a letter, or one eats a delicious meal after feeling very hungry...that's material happiness. Material happiness is dependent upon external circumstances.

Similarly, persons engrossed in the bodily conception of life, derive their happiness from external, yet temporary things such as a spouse, friends or whatever else is available to render relief from the pangs of material existence. Yet, as soon as there is some disturbance or break to that personal sense gratification, they feel morose and frustrated. As a result, they may try to cut that relationship off, fishing for any excuse, and seek happiness elsewhere, not knowing that the dissatisfaction they feel is the flickering nature of material happiness.

Spiritual happiness, on the other hand, has no cause and is therefore independent. It's the ever existing nature of our souls; we just have to tap into it. Dorothy, in "The Wizard of Oz", literally tapped her heels together to discover what she'd been running after, similar to her companions, who each in turn desired courage, love, and intelligence. They discovered they already possessed within themselves those things they'd been searching for.
                           

That's why spiritual happiness is so nice. Since it's part of the ever-existing nature of the soul (sat-cit-ananda), it's portable. We can take it with us wherever we are, wherever we go... even to our next life and in any situation. In other words, our happiness doesn't depend on anybody or anything in the material world, whereas material happiness, as described above, is just the opposite.

Spiritual happiness, therefore, means no more material hankering. We feel completely satisfied with whatever condition of life we find ourselves in. Thus, we feel no more inclination to adjust our external position in order to counteract the inevitable distresses of material life. This ultimately means that we'll have no more changing of bodies; we become liberated from the cycle of repeated births and deaths which was the usual result from hankering for material pleasures.

Krishna describes the source and cycle of this hankering in Gita 2.63 which begins with the desire to be separate from the Lord, to become an enjoyer, contemplating the objects of the senses in hopes of happiness: "While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops, and from lust anger arises. From anger, complete delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost one falls down again into the material pool."

But by regaining our portable, spiritual happiness, namely our loving relationship with Krishna, we can become free from this cycle that fails to satisfy our innermost needs and instead, equal towards the external happiness and distress that continuously comes and goes, find the power to take the advice given by Lord Krishna in Bg 2.14:

"The nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception... and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed."

Gradually, such steadiness in our duties elevates us from the muck of material existence:

"O best among men [Arjuna], the person who is not disturbed by happiness and distress and is steady in both is certainly eligible for liberation."--Bg 2.15

Therefore it is essential, first and foremost, to cultivate our spiritual life and inner happiness, our reconnection with Lord Krishna. By His mercy, we can understand what actual happiness is, and how, as a spiritual being, it is an integral part of our true nature.

You Want Some Tapasya?

a letter found on the Internet worth repeating:

Dear Vaisnavas,

Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada!

Babhru Prabhu wrote:

You want some tapasya? Try sticking to a marriage and raising kids.

Well said! I never had kids, but I know what a tapasya it is to make a
marriage work.

So many of our society's problems can be traced to men and women who dump their spouses for a life of "renunciation" when the gloss wears off, or when things become difficult, or after a couple of kids have been born.

Srila Prabhupada writes:

"These things cannot be taken so lightly, otherwise the whole thing will become a farce. Simply get married without considering what is the serious nature of married life, then if there is little disturbance, or if I do not like my wife or my husband, let me go away, everyone else is doing like that. So in this way the whole thing is becoming a farce." (letter to Madhukara)

"We cannot imitate Krsna, but we can follow Krsna. We can follow His footsteps, how He was living. He was a grhastha. He was not a sannyasi. So our sannyasi is not very great credit. To remain grhastha, because we are going back to Godhead, back to home, the whole, our master, is grhastha. Not only grhastha, He has got so many wives. So to become sannyasi is not very great credit, according to our Vaisnava philosophy. To become perfect house-holder, that is credit. Perfect householder, like Krsna." (Tokyo, Apr 23, 1972)

More:
"Now you are a sannyasi, but do not think it is a great credit for you. It is easy to renounce. The ones performing austerities are the householders." (Srila Prabhupada to Sudama Swami after giving him sannyasa, as told by Sudama Swami to an audience of householders in LA around 1973.)

"Just because no woman will have you, you think no one should get married." (Srila Prabhupada to a Swami disciple. The same can be applied to unmarried women promoting equal rights. They may not be desirable to men, but that doesn't apply to women in general.)

I may not have the exact words to these quotes, but they are pretty accurate.
Your servant,
Umapati Swami

ALSO A GOOD QUOTE IN THIS REGARD:

"Devahüti ...proposed her father that 'I want to marry that gentleman, that yogi.' .. And she was troubled in so many ways because she was princess, daughter of king. And this yogi, he was in a cottage, no food, no shelter, nothing of the sort. So she had to suffer. She never said that 'I am king's daughter. I was raised in so opulent condition of life. Now I have got a husband who cannot give me a nice apartment, nice food. Divorce him.' No. That was never done. That is not the position. 'Any way my husband may be, whatever he may be, because I have accepted some gentleman as my husband I must look to his comforts, and whatever his position, it doesn't matter.' This is the duty of the woman. But that is Vedic instruction. Nowadays, as soon as there is little discrepancy, disagreement-divorce. Find out another husband. No. She remained. And then she got the nicest child, Personality of Godhead, Kapila." -SB 3.28.1 lecture, 6/1/75, Honolulu

Just Say "No"?

Tapasya is made easy by Krsna consciousness:

It may be argued that according to Manu samhita divorce is sometimes allowed. So why did Srila Prabhupada stress to his disciples about sticking together? That's because a Vaisnava knows that this human form of life is not meant to be wasted in the pursuit of sense gratification.

"Refraining from sensual enjoyment, one should voluntarily accept all sorts of difficulties for spiritual realization. This is called tapasya. An enjoyer of the senses can never realize God, godliness or the science of theistic knowledge."--CC Adi 1.50p

Thus Prabhupada's message to us was always urgent. Don't waste time trying to find or expect that perfect husband or wife. Krishna consciousness is the greatest emergency, the greatest need. This was Srila Prabhupada's mood. Any advice beyond that principle is for karmis. Fix the heart upon getting Krishna instead. We can make this our last life in this material world by accepting whatever is our lot, doing our material duties as far as we must, but in the meantime doing all that we can to execute the real purpose of life:

"By material means, one cannot avoid the happiness and distress unique to his particular body. There are 8,400,000 bodily forms, each destined to enjoy and suffer a certain amount of happiness and distress. This we cannot change, for the happiness and distress are ordained by the Supreme Personality of Godhead, in accordance with whose decision we have received our bodies. Since we cannot avoid the plan of the Supreme Godhead, we must agree to be directed by Him, just as a blind man is led by a person who has eyes. Under any circumstances, if we remain in the condition allotted to us by the Supreme Lord and follow His instructions, we will become perfect. The main purpose of life is to follow the instructions of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. It is such instructions that constitute one's religion or occupational duty...

"The analogy (was given) of bulls moving under the direction of the driver of a bullock cart. The bulls, being completely surrendered to the driver, remain wherever he wants to place them and eat whatever he wants them to eat. Similarly, being completely surrendered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, we should not aspire for happiness, or regret distress; we must be satisfied with the position allotted to us by the Lord. We should follow the path of devotional service and not be dissatisfied with the happiness and distress He has given...

"'In this age of Kali, there is no other way, no other way, no other way for spiritual perfection than the holy name, the holy name, the holy name of the Lord.' Everyone should be given the chance to hear the holy names of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, for thus one will gradually come to understand his real position in life and be elevated to the transcendental position above the mode of goodness. Thus all impediments to his progress will be cut to pieces. In conclusion, therefore, we must be satisfied in whatever position we have been put into by the Supreme Personality of Godhead, and we should try to engage ourselves in His devotional service. Then our lives will be successful."--SB 5.1.15p

A revered Vaisnava sannyasi, whom I admire very much, once commented that if he were to write a book about marriage he'd simply write, "No divorce", "No divorce", "No divorce", on every page. I appreciated his statement, but later I decided that if I were to write a book about marriage it would state the most imperative, "Become Krishna conscious!", "Become Krishna conscious!", "Become Krishna conscious!", on every page. Better yet, it would read, "Chant Hare Krishna!", "Chant Hare Krishna!", "Chant Hare Krishna!", since the superior taste for Krsna's holy name defeats all material desires in comparison. Krsna consciousness and chanting Hare Krsna is so nice that one automatically becomes willing to tolerate so many difficulties in order to continue uninterrupted.

"Unless one is able to relish happiness from within, how can one retire from the external engagements meant for deriving superficial happiness? A liberated person enjoys happiness by factual experience. He can, therefore, sit silently at any place and enjoy the activities of life from within. Such a liberated person no longer desires external material happiness. This state is called brahma-bhüta, attaining which one is assured of going back to Godhead, back to home." Bg5.25p

Otherwise, our effort to counteract material distress, in truth, perpetuates our material existence (SB7.9.17). I knew a lady who was married to her fifth husband. Here's her conclusion she revealed to me: "I should have stayed with the first." She realized that as long as our hearts remain impure, we will never feel satisfied. Unless we learn to tolerate via a higher taste, we will be forced by the laws of nature to seek out another partner (and sometimes even another, and another) or other means for sensual gratification. Superficial renunciation cannot last (Bg 18.8).

Keeping this in mind, marriage is seen in its proper perspective. It becomes a steppingstone toward actual self fulfillment rather than a goal. "All occupational engagements are certainly meant for ultimate liberation. They should never be performed for material gain. Furthermore, according to sages, one who is engaged in the ultimate occupational service should never use material gain to cultivate sense gratification. Life's desires should never be directed toward sense gratification. One should desire only a healthy life, or self-preservation, since a human being is meant for inquiry about the Absolute Truth. Nothing else should be the goal of one's works." -SB 1.2.9-10

This path of tapasya for the sake of spiritual progress cannot be appreciated by those addicted to sense enjoyment and material achievement. The Bhagavad gita calls such persons less intelligent, because even if one has the best case scenario possible in this world, that happiness is temporary (Bg 5.22), and as long as the heart remains impure, one's so called "love" for husband and family is really just a business arrangement which can terminate as soon as the other party fails to match one's expectations.

"According to Bhägavata philosophy, every human being is meant simply for this tapa and for no other business, because by penance only can one realize his self; and self-realization, not sense gratification, is the business of human life. This tapa, or penance, was begun from the very beginning of the creation, and it was first adopted by the supreme spiritual master, Lord Brahmä. By tapasya only can one get the profit of human life, and not by a polished civilization of animal life. The animal does not know anything except sense gratification in the jurisdiction of eat, drink, be merry and enjoy. But the human being is made to undergo tapasya for going back to Godhead, back home." SB 2.9.6p

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...Make lemonade!

INGREDIENTS:
8 cups water
1 c sugar, mishri or turbinado sugar
3/4-1 c lemon juice

DIRECTIONS:
1. Boil the sugar and 1 cup of the water together until the sugar dissolves.
2. Strain through a clean cloth if you are using mishri.
3. Slice and squeeze out the lemon juice to add to the sugar solution.I use a colander to strain the lemon seeds while squeezing. Or use a manual juicer.
4. Add the remaining water and stir. Offer to Krishna chilled.

VARIATIONS: Try ginger syrup . Another addition commonly used is mint leaves or

A FENNEL REFRESHER:
Add four teaspoons of freshly ground roasted fennel seeds to the boiled sugar syrup and allow to cool. Add remaining water and the lemon juice if desire. Strain before offering

"I Was a Guru Groupie"

"My Guru Maharaja is so awesome!" "He is the greatest." "He's in Chile right now." "I can't wait for his return!" At first one may appreciate this pretty young lady's excitement at the preaching center where she was serving her spiritual master, that is, until she continued to speak in that manner, not just one day but every day and often in front of her husband, who seemed to just quietly stand in the background. At one point, while noticing her chatting excitedly with her guru on the phone, one might begin to wonder if her husband got that much attention from her, and whether he ever felt neglected, since their home life appeared to be practically nonexistent. Of course, the motives on her part must have been totally naive, but this entire scene was not without dangers.

Then there's the example of a woman who was very happy when her friends invited her to accompany them to see her guru maharaja who was visiting their nearby temple. Around the same time, however, her husband had become ill and was confined to his bed. She finally decided she'd go to the evening program, and on the way home she could pick up the medicine he very much needed.

Unfortunately for her, she became so carried away by the ecstasy of seeing her GM that afterwards she completely forgot about the medicine. It wasn't until the next morning she remembered it- after her husband's discomfort and temperature had risen enough to require hospitalization. It was then that she asked herself- "If this had been my GM, would i have neglected him so badly?"

Another incident was a lady devotee who was able to arrange a fine car when her guru came to visit, but failed to arrange a cup of milk when her husband apparently wanted some attention from his wife very much.

And then another married woman, who could relate to the above, shared this story:

"I was so excited to meet my spiritual master that around the time of my initiation, even the bullfrog outside my window was chanting, 'Jaya Guru!', "'Jaya Guru!', 'Jaya Guru!'... I aspired to visit my beloved savior every chance I got, thinking about how to take over his most important servants' services, perhaps cook for him, clean his room, do his laundry, dreaming up all sorts of activities...

"Suddenly, my life as a householder became very dissatisfying. I began wishing I could give it up altogether, living instead in the woman's asrama at the temple my spiritual master frequented the most; living a hassle free life that revolved around meetings with him...

"For a short confused while, I caught myself thinking more like a guru groupie than a disciple. And even though I knew I shouldn't, I found myself comparing my GM with my husband. At first, it seemed like comparing a shining moon with a flickering star.
                                           
"I started to reason with myself, however, that in the absolute sense, my husband was just as praiseworthy. There were so many services he had rendered for years and years, surrendering his life to the service of his spiritual master Srila Prabhupada and the Hare Krishna movement. I recalled more than a few times in which he even risked his life to protect devotees.

"With these thoughts, I quickly settled my mind once again and better took to heart the warning in the Caitanya Bhagavata, 'Some persons, trying to compare Vaisnavas, calling one a bigger Vaisnava then the other, commit a grave blunder for which they will soon suffer.' (M 22)

"Amazingly, my guru maharaja understood. The next time he saw me - all wrapped up in my new found zeal as his ardent follower- he very soberly instructed me, with a deep fatherly look in his eyes, 'Take care of your husband.'

"And this instruction I have been trying to follow ever since."

LATER NOTE:
 The following is a response to a long email questioning this post. A writer asked, in a nutshell, "Why would a woman behave this way if she felt loved and honored by her husband?".

One answer is that every relationship has its up and downs and anyone who feels loved and honored by her husband at all times is probably not even real.

But that's not all.

At the same time, in our Hare Krishna movement, we are hearing daily from sastra in various ways that the goal of life is not marital happiness and how we must eventually be fully detached from such so-called love of husband and family and home in order to be fully Krishna conscious.

What gets even more tricky, however, is that unless someone has heard for a long time and has the full picture of what renunciation really means, they may become bewildered when they witness in our present ISKCON society that the majority of women leaders have externally renounced their husbands and seemingly are at an advantage spiritually, over women who have not. 

So this was written just to caution less experienced women because when inevitable difficulties come up in a marriage, it's natural that a wife will experience thoughts like "Why not just quit and give up the husband the way our women leaders do?"

Such is the power of association.

Especially in places where it appears all her needs are taken care of by a well-to-do guru. No more cooking to do or bills to pay or working hard just to survive or no more association with a "less advanced" spouse. Just preach and travel and have a good time. Go on parikrama and associate with the advanced senior men and so on and so on. It looks appealing to the less intelligent or the lazy person or the person who is misinformed or immature about spiritual life.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: You Want Some Tapasya? Stay Married

Don't Be a Banyan Tree

Once upon a time, a friend explained to me a useful teaching. She said that if a spiritual master gives an order and the disciple does not immediately move from the spot to execute it, it is better that he take birth as an immovable banyan tree. I decided to apply this to the husband wife relationship as well. Thus a new sutra was formed- "Don't be... a banyan tree". It keeps me alert for the proper execution of my husband's daily requests. Here are some things that I try to observe in this regard:

PROMPT SERVICE
Number one is to come quickly whenever prabhu calls. Not that I wait around for him to come and find me. That isn't how we should treat anyone in the position of authority, according to Vaisnava etiquette. Instead I should drop whatever I am doing, and after his request is given, try to carry it out asap. That means being interruptible, available, and always prepared (That's every good girl scout's motto right? "Be prepared.").

A couple examples may be:
Typing from dictation a business letter he needs mailed that afternoon.
Bringing a tool he might need while fixing a light switch.
Helping him find the verse he needs for his next Srimad Bhagavatam class..

LONG TERM REQUESTS
Some requests require long term memory more than others. So not to forget these,  I like to make a little list for a quick review now. It may include something like:
Warning him whenever his milk is very hot!
Keeping the front entry way to the house clutter free.
Making sure sons bring in the garbage can immediately after the sanitation men empty it.
Restocking the kitchen before he cooks his regular offering.

PERSONAL PREFERENCES:
Also I like to take note of his personal preferences. Do you know which foods your husband dislikes, his favorite dessert, the clothing he dislikes, favorite colors...?
Some examples are:
Serving fruit the way he likes it -freshly cut and at room temperature, never cold.
Removing all traces of "eyes" from slices of pineapple.
Serving licorice and ginger tea only.
Never serving him raw tomatoes.

SPECIAL REQUESTS
Beyond that I try to keep an open ear for any special requests and make a note of these, too. These statements uttered by him often begin with an "I wish" or "Wouldn't it be nice if...". Some of these can be executed- if possible - and often make great gifts.

THINKING AHEAD
This category is about the unspoken requests. They require thinking ahead on the part of the wife. For example: I notice the chances are great he'll forget his camera before his pilgrimage, so I pack it for him.
On a hot afternoon, I know he likes a quick nap after work, so I turn on the AC in his room shortly before he gets home.

Of course, there have been many days in my life, especially when my hands were ever busy caring for children or other necessary obligations and I had no extended family for help, that husband seemed to be at the bottom of any list. But all the above still remained waiting for execution whenever the opportunity presented itself again.

THE PERSONALIST PATH
I used to wonder how senior devotees or devotees in the position of an authority who are supposed to have no attachment to the material world could have so many requests!

First of all, we are all individuals with different tastes. Individuality is important for any relationship. Variety is the spice of life, right?

But most importantly, by the grace of the spiritual master, a conclusion may be made that it's all because we are learning to become personal, to become persons. Thus it is their mercy to put up with this material world in order to engage their dependents in many, many varieties of service, sometimes in very personal ways, just to awaken the service spirit.

And because we are persons, service doesn't mean always roses and light. There are difficulties in every relationship -no matter who it is. One devotee talked about how stern her guru was with her husband and herself when he was displeased with their service. The interesting thing is that when she described these things to me, both she and her husband were very joyful about it. They looked back at it laughingly; they really loved him.

Their spiritual master was super fussy about his diet, too. When I heard all these things I felt relief, because earlier I thought I was missing out on something by not directly serving my initiating guru. But now I see Krishna had arranged my life so that I was getting the same sauce by serving a husband who was also careful about diet, execution of duties, etc..

Servants of His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada have also told many stories about how heavy our beloved founder acarya could be with his various disciples, as needed. Apparently, it's not fun when one is being chastised, but from a spiritual perspective it means you are intimate with the person correcting you rather than neglected and left with your imperfections. Advaita Acarya, for example, was scheming ways to bring this about in his relationship with Lord Chaitanya. Santana Goswami, too, became unhappy when Lord Chaitanya chastised Jagadananda Pandit rather than him.  Srila Prabhuada says about this humble service mood: "Disciple should be always ready to be chastised. He should not think that he has become perfect. That is perfection. So long he thinks that he is not perfect-he's to be chastised-then he's perfect. And as soon as he thinks that he has become perfect, he's nonsense immediately, nonsense number one."

MOTHER IS THE FIRST GURU
Mothers should also both accept service from their children and correct them for the children's well being as well as set a personal example for them. From early on, a child watches and  imbibes from his mother's example her respect for and her willingness to serve and take instruction from authority figures such as her husband, mother-in-law, guru and Krishna.

SERVING OTHERS
Whether its supplying milk for the stopover pilgrim, bringing water for the subji walla at the front door, humbly complying with a devotee's chastisement or helping some live ants out of a sugar package, this whole mood of Krishna conscious service is ever increasing. Thus it extends beyond the limits of one's service to husband and family until it includes all living beings. And wherever there is love, others naturally want to reciprocate the same.

There's lots of etiquette to learn, too (a whole other subject), which pleases Lord Caitanya very much

FOR MORE ON THE SERVICE MOOD you may wish to read also:
The Heart of a Servant
.