Updated on September 6, 2020
There are young men who do much austerity serving a guru as a brahmacari, and then they get married and find out the wife doesn't cook, the home is always a mess and she is of no help, but rather like a competitor for work and devotional service outside the home. "I might as well be single", one was saying, "We got along much better".
A valid point when there are fights about the clutter and eating out every day instead of healthy, home cooked meals. And with the current attitude that women must be equals to men in all respects, with no question of traditional gender roles existing in a marital relationship, why not live apart as a boyfriend and girlfriend rather than give each other lifelong heartache?
Since the days of yore, all classes of men were able to find single women for female companionship or to engage them in various services. We’ve all heard of kings who kept harems and or a troupe of dancing girls as well as queens with a supply of maidservants. Also five thousand years ago in sastra there is the example of the prostitutes of Dwaraka whom were described as providing an important service for the upkeep of society. And of course, we know that Lord Krishna danced with his transcendental girlfriends, the gopis, before he settled down and married kings’ daughters. For any further interaction between men and women of the higher classes at least, marriage was compulsory.
So what is it that makes being a wife different from being a girlfriend? What does being a wife entail? And how on earth can a man today, who wishes for a traditional marital relationship, even find her?
In the classic book written for women of high class aspirations, Fascinating Womanhood by Helen B. Andelin, there are two characters discussed regarding what makes wife material. According to Andelin, the lives of two women studied, Agnes and Dora, represent two sides that, if brought together, represent the ideal woman who is dutiful- but also charming. Or as Andelin put it: "Angelic" and "Human". Presented here are both of them also, but instead they are representing the dutiful wife and the charming girlfriend, respectively.
DUTIFUL AGNES
In the classic novel "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, the original source of these characters drawn by and quoted about by Mrs. Andelin as some of her examples of the womanly ideal, Agnes is expert at household affairs in the service of her doting father, a widower, and she acted as both friend and confidante to David Copperfield while growing up in the same community.
Apparently, Agnes was highly disciplined and also reserved. When she shared the news with David, for example, that a despicable character named Uriah Heap was trying to win her hand in marriage by serving her father, she started to shed tears. David was surprised because she was usually very strong minded. And, yes, she pulled herself together soon after the sudden outburst.
In reality, she was demonstrating her devotion to David. She was undoubtedly attached to him, her childhood friend, and she proved her unwavering love because she had a long wait during the rest of the novel before he came to realize that she was more than just a friend and finally married her.
According to Srimad Bhagavatam, in narrating the story of the devoted Devahuti, daughter of King Svayambhuva Manu, Agnes' qualities of sense control, a service mood and love for her father and devotion to David qualified her as wife material: "O Vidura, Devahuti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses, with love and with sweet words." (SB 3.23.3)
On a side note, it seems that Agnes was from a lower classe, since she was allowed to associate with David with no marital arrangement by her parents beforehand. And unfortunately for her, it is not recommended a man marry a woman from his own village. Because of familiarity while growing up together, the man may come to view the young woman as more like a sister rather than a future wife. Nonetheless, she still was fortunate that her steadfast devotion to David never faltered.
But in the meantime, David felt something was lacking. David said to himself, “Agnes, ever my guide and best support. If you had been more mindful of yourself, and less of me, when we grew up together, I think my heedless fancy would never have wandered from you.”
Enter. Dora.
CHARMING DORA
Upon meeting Dora, David said to himself. "All was over in a moment. I had fulfilled my destiny. I was a captive and a slave. I loved Dora Spenlow to distraction! She was more than human to me. She was a Fairy, a Sylph, I don't know what she was—anything that no one ever saw, and everything that everybody ever wanted. I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to her...
"The idea of...doing anything in the way of action, in that state of love, was a little too ridiculous. I could only sit down before my fire, biting the key of my carpet–bag, and think of the captivating, girlish, bright–eyed lovely Dora. What a form she had, what a face she had, what a graceful, variable, enchanting manner!"
Apparently, David was more interested in sense gratification than a life companion. But not knowing the difference, he married Dora.
DUTIFUL AGNES
In the classic novel "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, the original source of these characters drawn by and quoted about by Mrs. Andelin as some of her examples of the womanly ideal, Agnes is expert at household affairs in the service of her doting father, a widower, and she acted as both friend and confidante to David Copperfield while growing up in the same community.
Apparently, Agnes was highly disciplined and also reserved. When she shared the news with David, for example, that a despicable character named Uriah Heap was trying to win her hand in marriage by serving her father, she started to shed tears. David was surprised because she was usually very strong minded. And, yes, she pulled herself together soon after the sudden outburst.
In reality, she was demonstrating her devotion to David. She was undoubtedly attached to him, her childhood friend, and she proved her unwavering love because she had a long wait during the rest of the novel before he came to realize that she was more than just a friend and finally married her.
According to Srimad Bhagavatam, in narrating the story of the devoted Devahuti, daughter of King Svayambhuva Manu, Agnes' qualities of sense control, a service mood and love for her father and devotion to David qualified her as wife material: "O Vidura, Devahuti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses, with love and with sweet words." (SB 3.23.3)
On a side note, it seems that Agnes was from a lower classe, since she was allowed to associate with David with no marital arrangement by her parents beforehand. And unfortunately for her, it is not recommended a man marry a woman from his own village. Because of familiarity while growing up together, the man may come to view the young woman as more like a sister rather than a future wife. Nonetheless, she still was fortunate that her steadfast devotion to David never faltered.
But in the meantime, David felt something was lacking. David said to himself, “Agnes, ever my guide and best support. If you had been more mindful of yourself, and less of me, when we grew up together, I think my heedless fancy would never have wandered from you.”
Enter. Dora.
CHARMING DORA
Upon meeting Dora, David said to himself. "All was over in a moment. I had fulfilled my destiny. I was a captive and a slave. I loved Dora Spenlow to distraction! She was more than human to me. She was a Fairy, a Sylph, I don't know what she was—anything that no one ever saw, and everything that everybody ever wanted. I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to her...
"The idea of...doing anything in the way of action, in that state of love, was a little too ridiculous. I could only sit down before my fire, biting the key of my carpet–bag, and think of the captivating, girlish, bright–eyed lovely Dora. What a form she had, what a face she had, what a graceful, variable, enchanting manner!"
Apparently, David was more interested in sense gratification than a life companion. But not knowing the difference, he married Dora.
But what a mistake! He soon finds out she can neither cook nor keep house nor have any ability to understand him or sympathize with his daily life. She is so self absorbed, poorly prepared for marital life and emotionally needy that, while he is away on a journey, she takes ill and suddenly dies.
David had to learn the hard way that Dora, although from a well-to-do family, was basically useless as far as managing domestic affairs.
Bhagavan : These girls...can do nothing. They can’t cook, they can’t clean, they can’t sew.
Prabhupäda: All rubbish... they are all rubbish. Therefore they are simply used for sex satisfaction... - morning walk, 5/27/74, Rome
Prabhupäda: All rubbish... they are all rubbish. Therefore they are simply used for sex satisfaction... - morning walk, 5/27/74, Rome
DUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFUL
Ann was capable and Dora feminine. Andelin argues that wife material must be a balance of the two as both dutiful but also beautiful or charming..
Dora is the "girly girl" who doesn't even know how to peel a potato. And with all the propaganda for female independence we now have an upsurge of women who are more like "Agnes to the extreme". Capable but also tough, self-supporting ...even crude and rude, having no submissive, simple, endearing innocence that Dora had displayed- to her credit.*
Margaret D. Nadauld reminisced that “The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need goodness. We have enough vanity; we need virtue. We have enough popularity; we need purity.”
Such coarser types are more akin to becoming male buddies rather than girlfriends. "Let him get his own damn sandwich", they say. They prefer an office meeting than a home. They'd rather fly on a business trip than take care of children. They much prefer being on a stage noticed in some way or in public places working alongside or entertaining men or doing some big humanitarian work broadcast in the news. They thrive on attention and competition and wilt into some kind of neuroses if their needs are not met. Obviously, traditional marriage and family life are not for them.
But that's OK! It's only when such women marry is when trouble brews because they don't understand Krishna's arrangement for women to serve a husband so that they may progress in spiritual life, a life of self sacrifice rather than personal sense gratification. Following the speculative path of equal rights goes against nature and thus bumbles the whole affair. Well, at least honest people will realize that.
Again, Andelin argued that a wife should be a blend of wife and girlfriend. Dutiful but girly and attractive (rather than burly and bitter) is the ideal.
But to a point.
It makes sense Andelin pursued sense gratification even after retirement, since she adhered to a Christian worldview. But Vedic standards regard marital life as a steppingstone to renunciation. It is not the goal of life. Nature works this way, too. As the wife’s skin sags, Andelin and company did something about it- hair dye, makeup, attractive clothing etc-
to keep the husband interested in their temporal relationship, when actually it’s nature’s sign to become more detached from household life in order to surrender fully to the will of the Lord.
WHAT THE LIFE OF A WIFE ENTAILS
Getting to that point, a good wife is supposed to be helpful to a man: "In the Vedic conception the wife is considered as dharma-patni, religious wife...(She) helps the husband in the matter of his religious life. That is found in, still in Hindu family: the man is worshiping the Deity and the woman is helping arrange the paraphernalia for Deity worship, helping the husband so that he can immediately come into the Deity room and begin worshiping comfortably. So woman should always be engaged to assist the man in every respect in his religious life, in his social life, in his family life. That is real benefit of conjugal life."
It all boils down to two things: keeping the husband healthy and peaceful.
That said, to be a wife is not an easy thing; there is much sacrifice and austerity involved to give the husband such freedom to shine. A man with a good wife taking care of business at home can do the work of two or three men. Prabhupada wrote: "You prefer to be free, but a devoted wife is as good as freedom. "
This is supported further in SB 3.14.19 purport: "O respectful one, a wife is so helpful that she is called the better half of a man’s body because of her sharing in all auspicious activities. A man can move without anxiety entrusting all responsibilities to his wife."
Young women should be taught these things in order to know where one stands: "Do you want to be a man’s wife or a girlfriend (or his burly buddy)? His helper or sense object (or a competitor)?”
This is real freedom of choice for women, to know the difference.
And, of course, for a man wishing to find a good wife, it is also wise to know what to look for.
WHERE TO FIND HER?
Not an easy job in Kali Yuga. One piece of advice is that to find an intellectual, you visit a library instead of the bar. To find a sadhu you visit holy places…And so on. Similarly, a wife may be found dutifully serving her parents, cleaning up after a community get together, cooking for the deities and caring for children. Girls on a stage are best avoided. Also the girly girl who knows nothing but what she’s wearing for the day or who is looking at her. As for the women who dress more like men than women, are harsh in speech, competitive and fiercely independent…you’re probably not attracted anyway.
But the best advice is- Krishna knows what you need to make spiritual advancement. Trust in the Lord that, if needed, you’ll get the wife just suitable for that purpose. In that sense, it doesn’t really matter who you end up with; one can be spiritually single but married for life because Krishna consciousness is so absorbing and self fulfilling, ultimately you won’t care.
*ADDENDUM: Andelin wrote about the ideal wife as being a well balanced combination of both Agnes and Dora. Not overly capable so that the man does not feel unneeded, and she should be attractive, too, for the pleasure of her husband. This entails femininity. Further discussions on this may be found here:
Getting in Touch with the Feminine Side
The Better Half
Getting in Touch with the Feminine Side
The Better Half